Here is my solemn promise to you: I will not write an article about how much it sucks to be single on Valentine’s Day. I am, so I know firsthand that it does. I also know that nobody likes to be reminded of how lonely they are, but (anecdotally) the Internet has really cranked up the V-Day hate over the past couple years. Is 2017 not bleak enough? Can we not just let people do silly romantic things, even if this holiday has been co-opted by greeting card companies? Greeting card writers gotta eat too, you know?
Anyway, Niero (the man who owns this website and keeps messing with the way the front page looks) asked the Destructoid staff for some kind of “singles awareness day editorial.” Since my schedule on this fine Sunday before Valentimes is open, at least until the WWE pay-per-view Elimination Chamber starts, I thought I would take up this task — especially since Niero said it could be as “gonzo” as I wanted. I will hold him to this promise. Normally, I would make a preemptive apology to my editors, but they’ve been working for Destructoid a lot longer than I have; cashing checks that somebody else on this website already wrote is a rite of passage.
So! Here are five video games (or whatever) that might help you either loosen up or redirect that venom towards something else. Also, I don’t want to hear word one from any of you about “game journalism lol” because I do plenty of actual games reporting on this website. Let me have this.
Some might say that Overwatch is one of the ten best games of the year. Those people would be right. Overwatch is a tightly designed hero shooter, with one of the most effective gameplay loops I’ve ever seen in a competitive game. At press time, I’m one hour short of 150 hours spent playing Overwatch. Symmetra is currently my main, although I’ve been experimenting with Zarya from time to time. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a Mike Cosimano Symmetra POTG is all I’m gonna say.
How can you be upset on Valentine’s Day if you’re playing the best multiplayer game available on a PlayStation 4? You won’t be alone, and you can reasonably assume everyone else on the servers on the 14th will be in the same boat. Hell, if you want to go one step further, be social and throw on a microphone so you can try coordinating with your team! And by “coordinating” I mean “yell at Widowmaker to switch to someone who isn’t a sniper, we’re on Attack for Christ’s sake.” I know Overwatch has cute girls and handsome boys, so that might be a potential issue for incredibly lonely hearts, but just remember this: none of them are real!
#2: Calling your dad, just to say hi
Just call your dad! He’s probably worried about you. If you have a bad relationship with your dad, call your mom. If you have a bad relationship with both of your parents, text or call my dad. Lord knows I won’t.
#3: The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask 3D
Normally, I wouldn’t classify Majora’s Mask as a wish-fulfillment game. It’s a relatively grim, offbeat sequel to an iconic game — one I absolutely love, but it’s not really a classic “Singles Awareness Day” game. But think of it this way: if you had the Ocarina of Time, maybe then you could travel back in time and re-do the parts of your life that led you to be alone on Valentine’s Day!
Or you could just pop a Majora’s Mask 3D cartridge into your 3DS of choice and get lost in an absorbing, classic Zelda adventure. I’ve been playing the remake mostly out of curiosity, since Majora’s Mask was one of the first video games I remember playing. I encountered that game primarily in hotels with an N64 controller hooked up to the TV as a special treat, so I never saw it as intended, only as ships passing. And now that I’m a discerning adult with a 3DS cart that doesn’t shut off after an hour like those hotel versions, I can report back with clear eyes the one fact I’ve always known to be true: this game absolutely rules. I think Link Between Worlds is maybe the best Zelda game, but Majora’s Mask is easily my favorite.
That awful grimacing moon and the post-day title cards have become punchlines in a post-irony world, meme’d almost beyond recognition, but seen in their original context they’re still wickedly effective. It’s easy to forget that some things become iconic because they’re memorable, and I have to thank Majora’s Mask 3D for reminding me of that fact. Spending your lonely Valentine’s Day getting lost in a portable game is not a bad idea, and I highly recommend you choose this one.
#4: https colon backslash backslash YouTube dot com backslash users backslash danpoetman
Alone on Valentine’s Day? You could really use an ego boost! Why not watch the weird, depraved “comedy acts” published by one Daniel Songer? This is absolutely a case of “retweets do not equal endorsement, opinions are mine not my employers” ect, ect, ect, because I’m fairly certain Daniel Songer is one of the most offensive (non-Nazi) people to ever actively seek fame in front of a camera. I say “fairly” because half the fucking time I can’t even understand what this dude is saying. Watch my “favorite” “video” produced by this man, Condum Smile — yes, that title is a play on “Gangnam Style” — and see if you can even begin to comprehend what he’s going for. This dude is so far off the rails that you need to forget whatever you think you know about comedic theory to even start meeting him on his level.
Between his looks and his delivery, Songer is like a failed clone of Alex Jones, but instead of spouting conspiracy theories, he thought he’d try his hand at YouTube stand-up. In each video, Songer just goes for it with the kind of gusto you normally see in people that at least have a shred of talent. Watching these videos, I finally understand “carry yourself with the confidence of a mediocre white man.” If you watched some of these videos and came away both confused and horrified, but also intrigued, I highly recommend the short film Follow Me, which follows a similarly untalented aspiring Internet personality. Demi Adejuyigbe stars in it, and that dude is obscenely funny.
It’s so weird that we’ve gamified modern romance, right? Weekend bar hookup culture is now a mobile game with microtransactions. It’s kind of like Pokémon GO, in that your location absolutely determines the quality of your experience. Back in my home town of Buffalo, I got some incredible screenshots of a desolate Pokémon-free wasteland as well as some truly horrific Tinder profiles. People in Buffalo are way into sharing pictures of them with deer corpses, I guess. But out here in Los Angeles, there are plenty of ‘mons and Gyms, and you could hypothetically swipe forever on Tinder! (Unfortunately, in LA, unless you look like this, you’re probably not getting matched very often.)
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, I bet there will be a lot of people in the same position trawling dating sites looking for a person to share in the loneliness. Put yourself out there, see if you can rectify the past year’s mistakes! Maybe when Valentine’s Day 2018 rolls around, you’ll be complaining about how expensive it’ll be to give your boo everything they deserve. Also, take it from my experience: if you’re a straight guy, do not use the Super Like. Pay for unlimited swipes if you gotta, but leave it at that.