Slightly more dangerous than Strangle-Me Elmo
Expressing disbelief in how a product like this ever made it past the testing stages, the chairman of the US Consumer Product Safety Commission said today he will never allow the Destructoid Cockeyes VR headset to reach store shelves.
“In the two years I’ve been the head of this commission I have not seen a product more recklessly dangerous than this so-called entertainment device,” Doug Turner said in statement released this afternoon. “During the brief time we’ve spent with the Cockeyes, four of our product testers had to be institutionalized due to madness. Another two haven’t stopped crying since they put it on and one man has convinced himself he is God.”
Turner says he believes these incidents of mental scarring were caused by the included titles Extreme Rapid Strobe Effect Simulator and The Ludovico Technique. When not fighting fits of anguish or melancholy, those testing the product say they were constantly worried the device would kill them. According to the statement, on three separate occasions the VR helmet exploded without anyone touching it. During one testing session loose wires in the headset caught the user’s hair on fire.
“If I’m being honest, I’d rather strap two poorly made hoverboards with leaky batteries to my children’s heads than let them use this,” Turner said in a brief interview after the statement’s release. “Plus, the thing is like 40% lead and I’m pretty sure there’s asbestos in it.”
The Department of Health and Human Services also issued a statement on the Cockeyes, slamming the device for the damaging eye and neck issues users will experience. Perhaps most damning, the HHS statement said prolonged use of the headset has a 100% chance of turning the user into one of those douchebags who keeps saying “that game is so much better in VR.”
In response, the makers of the Cockeyes have vowed to reclassify the headset as a food product because there ain’t nothing the FDA won’t allow us to shovel into our mouths.
