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Ten golden rules of online gaming photo
Ten golden rules of online gaming
by Jim Sterling

[Destructoid turns 7 next week! Here's our most popular article from January 2009, one of Jim's first features. Check out more of our earlier works in our Golden Archives. -Niero]

People have been hunched over their PCs, firing rockets into the faces of their friends since Doom. The ability to play a game against real human opponents via a network changed the face of the industry and helped shape the scene we are now a part of. Over the years, we have seen the world's largest network, the Internet, expand to phenomenal heights and with it, gaming too has grown in ways that were once never thought possible.

Gaming over the Internet is now a major part of the hobby we all hold dear, and as titles like Halo rose to bring more and more mainstream attention to multinational fragests, we have seen online gaming become one of the most integral facets of the industry. With mainstream attention, it has also brought with an influx of new, fresh-faced gamers who have logged on with wanton abandon, unwitting of the rules that we have held dear as digital war veterans for millenias untold. At least outside of the PC universe, online gaming is full of people who perhaps do not understand the ettiquete and courtesy that comes with the territory. 

For these people, Destructoid has the answer. If your copy of Halo just hit your mailbox, or even more urgently, if you started playing online years ago and have never even been through basic training, this is the guide for you. Hit the jump to finally learn how to be an online gamer with these crucial rules. A doorway into a world of elite playing pleasure is yours for the opening.

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The Call of Sarkeesian  photo
The Call of Sarkeesian
by Jim Sterling

I have of late been subject to some strange occurrences. Some may even say ... frightening ... circumstances. Indeed, the things I have seen make me so very grateful for the inability of the human mind to truly understand our universe in all its vastness. We strive, in our small way, to know. We want to know everything, but we know merely a sliver, and should we ever expose ourselves to more, we may all go mad. 

This much, I do know. This much, I do understand.

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3:00 PM on 03.07.2013

Jimquisition: Emotions, Polygons, and Ellen Page

This week, Father of Dreams and visionary game director David Cage hosts the show and tells us all about emotion. Emotion. Emotion. What is it like to feel? What can videogames learn from film? How well does David know Ellen Page? Watch this soul-scorching video and prepare to be impressed. Emotion.

Jim Sterling



The perfect Mortal Kombat movie cast, CONFIRMED photo
The perfect Mortal Kombat movie cast, CONFIRMED
by Jim Sterling

Mortal Kombat has another live-action movie in the works, and it's probably not going to be very good. That doesn't mean it has to be awful, though. The right blend of actors can turn any film, no matter how cynical, into a classic worthy of the Oscars. Yes, even a videogame movie!

As a budding Hollywood producer, I have slaved over hot data and juicy demographics with my crack team to scientifically distill a perfect Mortal Kombat movie cast -- the actors and actresses qualified above all else to bring this classic fighting game franchise to life. Including our conceptual mockups, we hope to present this to George Lucas himself, so he may give us his almighty blessing. 

Behold, the perfect Mortal Kombat movie cast!

[Original Wallpaper source for our opening Willem Dafoe mock!]

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Six sinister things about Super Mario photo
Six sinister things about Super Mario
by Anthony Burch

[Destructoid turns 7 on March 16, 2013! I'm celebrating early by repairing some of my favorite articles from our Wordpress days. You'll be able to browse this original collection soon -- "Destructoid's Golden Archives" is hereby instituted to preserve the best work of our former editors. It's also nice to see Burch on the home page again. -Niero]

Hot on the heels of Faith's article on the layered evils of Viva Pinata, this article serves to educate the average reader on the numerous moral trespasses and hidden agendas of Super Mario, and his ilk. 

Will you have noticed some of these things before? Undoubtedly. But have you noticed ALL of them? Unlikely.

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PSA: Don't preorder a game based on a preview, ever photo
PSA: Don't preorder a game based on a preview, ever
by Niero Gonzalez

Games journalism criticism is a young field of business. As with any emerging practice it often likes to talk about itself, not because games writers are pretentious masturbatory bastards, but because we care to do the best job possible for those that patron our publications (that's you). We're also in the business of perfectly aligning our critiques with the commercial successes of games, otherwise we're big fat liars who stole your money. Wait, what?

In this latest episode of game dudes over-scrutinizing our craft, I present you three fascinating pieces of contemporary literature: A writer accusing the gaming press of a cover-up conspiracy (seriously?!) to preaching widespread embargo apocalypse, an editor-in-chief semi-apologizing for previews that may wasted his readers time, and a peculiar piece on Buzzfeed on whether or not sites like Destructoid are capable of ever truthfully assessing a product. The latter, of course, was received with a brutal tongue-lashing from his brighter contemporaries.

The entire argument at its core, if I may be blunt, asserts that gaming consumers are morons easily led astray by the gaming press because we are optimistic about our hobby. If you agree with this, I'd like to bite your face.

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6:45 PM on 02.14.2013

Reddit uncovers the PS4 controller's true functionality

Priceless. [Artwork by Farrow on NeoGaf. Thanks, Cybii]

Niero Gonzalez







How Nintendo breaks hearts with the D.E.N.N.I.S. System photo
How Nintendo breaks hearts with the D.E.N.N.I.S. System
by Jim Sterling

Earlier this week, Nintendo's Shigeru Miyamoto claimed his company had failed to "communicate the value" of the Wii U to consumers, a turn of phrase that struck me as quite amusing. As a fan of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, all I could think of was the first stage of Dennis Reynolds' system of seduction, the D.E.N.N.I.S. System, whereby he "demonstrates value" to sucker a woman into falling for him. 

After thinking about it (and reading the Destructoid community's reaction to the Nintendo/Dennis connection), I started to realize Nintendo and Always Sunny's lecherous sociopath have way more in common, and that the D.E.N.N.I.S. System may well be applied to the company's business strategy in its entirety.

Nintendo might be taking lessons from the show as it perfects the art of seducing fans and breaking their hearts for its own sordid gains. 

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Is BioShock Infinite the worst box of all time? photo
Is BioShock Infinite the worst box of all time?
by Allistair Pinsof

There are few boxes as anticipated as BioShock Infinite, the long awaited box to prequels BioShock Limited Edition and BioShock for the PlayStation 3.

Irrational Games, known as 2K Boston during BioShock's release, made waves in the industry with critics and boring, ordinary game-playing people alike, in 2007. BioShock was everything boxes didn't dare to do at the time: It was bold, beautiful, and it had a message. You looked at that box and it spoke to the soul. It said, "Open me, stick me in your game box, and have a randy dandy time." We gaming folk finally discovered what true art is and why it's worth talking about all the dang time on NeoGAF.

After getting several hours of eyes-on ophthalmic exploration of Irrational's much anticipated follow-up, I have to say that BioShock Infinite is not the box we deserve.

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Wii U is blatantly better than PS3 and Xbox 360 COMBINED photo
Wii U is blatantly better than PS3 and Xbox 360 COMBINED
by Jim Sterling

The Wii U has had a chance to settle in North America, and just recently hit shelves in Europe. The question on everybody's lips is, of course -- is the Wii U the best home console in the world, and should I throw away every other expensive electronic device in my house out of pure spite?

The answer to both those questions is, of course, yes. Smash it all. Including your television. You won't need that anymore, because the GamePad basically is one. 

More importantly, you must know the Wii U is better than the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 combined, because its release has been and always will be a gigantic pissing contest. It's not just better, in fact -- it's blatantly better. Find out why. 

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10:00 AM on 11.16.2012

How Xbox Live is blatantly better than PSN, animated

Thomas Truong, the man responsible for the excellent New Adventures of Podtoid, has been working on another project, and it's quite glorious. He's gone and taken a section of an old article I wrote, How Xbox Live is Blatantl...

Jim Sterling

12:15 PM on 10.31.2012

Review: Halo 4: King of the Hill Fueled by Mountain Dew

I'll admit to not being the world's biggest Halo fan, so it took me by surprise to find out that Microsoft had changed Halo 4's name since I last saw it at E3, deciding instead to call it Halo 4: King of the Hill Powered by M...

Jim Sterling



The Wii is blatantly better than Barack Obama  photo
The Wii is blatantly better than Barack Obama
by Jim Sterling

This year, two reigning incumbents are looking to win themselves a second term of power. I am, of course, talking about president-elect of the United States, Barack Obama, and president-man of the eighth console generation, the Wii home entertainment gaming family device.

Really, the difference between the two situations is practically non-existent. Both became world leaders from humble and unlikely beginnings. Both have won praise and criticism for their unorthodox ways. Both have great marketing departments. Also, Obama said "videogames" once a few years ago, so he is totally videogame-related and that makes this post okay.

Anyway, the point is, this upcoming election is not about Obama vs. Romney. It's clearly about Obama vs. the Wii U, and I urge you all to cast your vote for Nintendo this November. Why? Because the Wii's reign was blatantly better than Barack Obama's reign, and the Wii U shall logically run America better.

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DmC's new Dante is blatantly better than old Dante photo
DmC's new Dante is blatantly better than old Dante
by Jim Sterling

Ninja Theory's redesign of Dante in DmC: Devil May Cry is easily one of the most controversial overhauls in gaming history. Lengthy arguments have been made, explicitly detailing why the new Dante is such a bad character, and yet others vehemently claim Capcom will never get their money again. Opinions are heated.

Opinions are, however, meaningless without me being around to point out the scientifically correct ones. For, indeed, the quality of the new Dante is a scientific fact, not something you can have a so-called "opinion" about. It's like saying the Sun is cold or that birds can't fly -- you can't have your say in this debate, because it's a matter of reality versus fantasy.

The reality is this -- new Dante is blatantly better than old Dante. If you disagree, you're fighting science. 

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What we want in Mirror's Edge 2 photo
What we want in Mirror's Edge 2
by Jim Sterling

Electronic Arts has repeatedly assured fans that Mirror's Edge as a series will not die, that one day we'll get the sequel of our dreams. Nevertheless, folks remain skeptical that we'll ever see Mirror's Edge 2. The original game didn't perform spectacularly and had a few issues that kept the mainstream from paying attention.

Nevertheless, the game had a strong cult following, and fans continue to hope for a new installment.

What would such a game entail? What would we even want from Mirror's Edge 2? After much soul-searching and discussion with fans, I've drawn up a must-have list of all the things we could want in a sequel. If you're a real follower of Faith and her adventures, you're bound to agree.

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How Xbox Live is blatantly better than PSN photo
How Xbox Live is blatantly better than PSN
by Jim Sterling

Since medieval times, humanity has debated, argued, and sometimes even fought over the eternal question -- which company is better, Sony or Microsoft? Angry diatribes have been written and blood has been spilled, but neither man nor beast have found the answer.

However, each side can score points in less encompassing criteria, and it is on these smaller battlefields that the war is being waged in earnest. One of the greatest war zones, the realm of online services, is the most hard-fought, but it's clear who is winning -- Microsoft. Yes, Xbox Live is blatantly better than PlayStation Network.

If you don't believe me, you better shut your stupid mouth before I slap it off your gormless face. I have facts backing me up, you little idiot. What have you got? Sit down, shut up, and listen to the truth that's literally growing out of my head like hair.

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