Why the PSP is blatantly better than the DS

It’s an established fact that if you like one thing, you must hate everything else. You cannot enjoy two of any similar item in this world, which is why bisexuality has been scientifically proven not to exist. With this in mind, I have had to choose between my PSP and DS, and with the decision made, I promptly tossed my DS in the trash where it belongs, because the PSP is best.

Don’t believe me? Of course you don’t, because you’re a biased fanboy, which makes you worse than a racist and a murderer combined. Fortunately, I am the Chef of Righteousness, feeding you truth soup with a spoon fashioned out of pure fact, so I invite you all into my Kitchen of Not Being Wrong About Videogames so that you might get your fill of delicious correctness.

Read on to earn the wisdom you need, and accept that the PSP is blatantly better than the DS.

The PSP’s had four redesigns, the DS has only had three:

The first and most obvious point is that the PSP is simply better designed than the DS. While the DS has had only a mere three redesigns (the DS, the DS Lite and the DSi), we lucky Sony fans have had the PSP 1000, the PSP 2000, the PSP 3000 and the PSPgo, each one more brilliant than the last. With one more model than the DS, this means that Sony’s handheld is one better than Nintendo’s paltry, under-designed machine.

Sony has had four attempts to perfect the PSP, meaning it’s slightly closer to perfection (and therefore, closer to God), than the DS will ever be. A constant redesign is the most important thing a portable system needs in order to succeed, far more important than trivial things like games. Nintendo needs to get its priorities straight if it hopes to stand a chance against the mighty PlayStation Portable.

DSiWare is shit:

When the DSi launched, everybody fell over themselves with glee over DSiWare, believing this would be the innovation to turn the DS’ fortunes around and finally make it better and more successful than the PSP. As usual, however, the fanboys were wrong and the PSP is still champion while the DS is a CHUMPion, which is the opposite of champion actually. DSiWare is shit, and only has downloadable clocks on the service. PSP Minis, on the other hand, is better, because it will probably have less clocks on it which proves it’s superior. 

Just to show you all that DSiWare is crap, I looked at some of the games that the Nintendo loyalists were claiming made DsiWare worth having. Of course, they were lying and when I saw the offerings they had, I laughed so hard that a bit of red came out with my urine all week, which I’m assuming is normal when you’ve laughed a lot. Here are the supposedly “best” games that the DSi has to offer:

  1. Flipnote Studo: I can already make animations by drawing on paper and waving it around in front of my face while making ghost noises. I do it regularly, in fact. I don’t need to spend money on this, whatever it costs (probably fifteen bucks)
  2. Mario vs. Donkey Kong: Minis March Again: Sonic is blatantly better than Mario. Hmm, maybe there’s something to that …
  3. Mighty Flip Champs: All puzzle games are shite, and people who say they’re good are just pretending out of fear of looking stupid. Well, I’m not afraid to look stupid and I say puzzle games can go to Hell! Unless it’s Lumines of course, which is good because it’s on the PSP.
  4. WarioWare Snapped: More like WankioHair Crapped!

PSP is better supported with Firmware:

The PSP is the better supported system. You know a publisher truly cares about you and your continued enjoyment of a product when it releases new system updates every two weeks that don’t appear to do anything in particular and force you to be unable to play your games until you’ve wasted ten minutes downloading and installing it. When you want to play a game on the bus for a quick fifteen minutes and are instead having to install new Firmware, you can breathe a sigh of relief in knowing that Sony is making things better!

How many DS Firmware updates have been had since Nintendo released that stupid little machine? Hardly any! Wow, real great customer service there, Nintendo, or should I say Stupidtendo!? The DS is barely supported, which means it’s bound to be full of bugs, glitches, and all sorts of other garbage that Nintendo just hasn’t bothered to fix. Meanwhile, Sony’s PSP is the most robust, perfected and bug-free system in the realm. Instead of making shitty games that nobody cares about like The Legend of Zelda: Spirit CRAPS, perhaps Nintendo ought to work on first making a handheld system that doesn’t fuck up all the time, like the DS obviously probably does!

PSP is more secure:

Those who mock the Firmware updates do so without any sense of logic whatsoever. I, however, am very logical, almost like Mr. Spock from Star Wars, and can tell that the Firmware helps make the PlayStation Portable one of the most secure machines on the market, more secure even than the computers that control the government. If Nintendo updated its system software more often, maybe things like piracy wouldn’t happen to it all the time!

The R4 Cartridge Chip Thing has made the DS the most pirated system on the planet. Its game library has been completely devalued to the point where the system is known more for its so-called “homebrew” than anything else. By contrast, the Firmware updates to the PSP have made it virtually impossible to crack. I have never played a pirated game on my PSP, which means that no pirated games exist. Can Nintendo boast that? Nope, not by a long shot. That’s what they get for not encouraging customer loyalty like Sony does. 

The PSP battery life is shorter:

Many would argue that the PSP having a shorter battery life than the DS is a negative point. However, those people are IDIOTS and now I’m going to find a way to explain why I’m right.

Videogames take a strain on the eyes, and it’s great that Sony cared enough about its consumers to make sure that we’re not hurtling toward blindness by playing on the PSP for six hours straight. The PlayStation Portable barely being able to last an international flight is a good thing because it reminds us to take our eyes off a flickering screen and therefore prevents epilepsy. If the PSP did not do this, half the nation would be like Michael J Fox or worse, Stevie Wonder. Not that being them is a bad thing, of course. They’re differently abled, not disabled. It’s just, y’know … I’d be mortified if I were all fucked up like they are. 

Anyway shut up you don’t need to play videogames for six hours straight anyway, you loser! Why don’t you get a girlfriend or a job or something for God’s sake!?

You can watch Advent Children on the PSP:

It has often been said that Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children is the greatest story ever told. In fact, several Islamic churches (Synagogues) are using Advent Children to replace the Koran because it is so much more relevant and true. It really is among the most influential and inspiring cinematic marvels of our time, joining such celluloid classics as Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, Cool Runnings and Critters III to become an icon of film. 

Guess what? The PSP has it, and the DS doesn’t! Committed forever to UMD, the PlayStation Portable is the only way to enjoy this terrific movie, allowing fans to watch their favorite scenes again and again, no matter where they are. Before this movie was released in portable form, I used to get cold sweats whenever leaving the house, knowing that if the urge took me, I could not watch Tifa fighting that mentally subnormal guy in the Church while I was shopping at Walmart. Knowing I’d be separated from this life-changing movie would sometimes cause spontaneous crying fits and I’d shake uncontrollably until my wife injected stabilizing chemicals into my thigh. 

Now that I can take Advent Children with me wherever I go, I feel more secure and safe. The DS is a bucket of cow shit and has failed to provide me with the same solid foundation upon which I base my life. 

PSP has better graphics:

Seriously, what good is a well-made game if it looks like shit? The DS is incapable of producing good looking games, with most titles looking like they were made on a Sega Genesis or something. That’s not what people want from their videogames! They want graphics. The PSP has ten hundred more graphics than the DS, making it the technologically superior system. Just compare Coded Arms to New Super Mario Bros. I think we can all agree which is the better looking, thus better playing, game (it is Coded Arms).

If you think that gameplay is somehow better than graphics, you really need to stop being so shallow. I am sick of gameplay whores who think that things can look like shit so long as they have clever mechanics, tight controls and fun ideas. That’s certainly not what I got into gaming for, and anybody who truly cares about games being taken seriously as an art form would agree with me.

The PSP could cause crippling arthritis:

Most PSP games can severely hurt one’s fingers with extended playtime, and I’m fairly certain that if somebody plays with the system enough, they could cause themselves long-term and possibly lasting damage to the bones and tendons of one’s hands. This is brilliant news, because if you cause enough harm to yourself, you’ll be unable to work a real job and thus, go on welfare. Free money!

The PSP will literally pay for itself once it gives you crippling, irreversible arthritis and bestows upon your life the gift of incapacity benefit. Can the DS boast the same kind of financial aid with its so-called innovative control system? I thought not. 

Riiiiidge Racer:

The PlayStation Portable is single-handedly responsible for one of the funniest and best jokes the games industry has ever witnessed. Do you remember that time during the 2006 Sony E3 press conference where Kaz Hirai deliberately said “Riiiiiidge Racer” really awkwardly and the audience joined in on the joke by remaining absolutely silent and pretending to be embarrassed for him? How FUNNY was that!? In many ways, Kaz missed his true calling as a stand-up comedian, but I’m glad he did, because he’s been a gift to the games industry. 

With the PSP as his prop, Kaz Hirai took E3 by storm. Everybody was talking about the brilliant press conference afterwards, packed with such high-class gags as Riiiiiiidge Racer, Giant Enemy Crab and the PS3 costing $599 dollars. All of it was classic comedy, expertly performed by the gutbusting ribticklers at Sony, and appreciated by gamers all over the world. Even funnier were the people who somehow didn’t get the satire, and believed Sony was being serious with its hilarious press conference. Those idiots were the true joke in the end. The PS3 doesn’t even cost $599. It costs $299, and Sony only launched the PS3 at six hundred bucks as a joke! I can’t believe people fell for it!

The PSP was a big part of the laughs that night. For that, its place in videogame history is assured.

You can store vast quantities of porn on it:

Honestly, what more do you need?

About The Author
James Stephanie Sterling
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