I got the robot because you were too slowbot: I have dibs on Claptrap

SucksToBeYou.EXE

It’s really not all that long until Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel comes out, and you’ve already made a grave mistake. You didn’t call dibs on Claptrap. Know how I know that? Because I’m writing this post right now. If you called dibs, I’d be doing something dumb like whatever dumb thing you’re doing in your dumb life this very second.

But you didn’t. I did. For whatever reason, my peers have laid claim to the three characters in the game not worth fighting over. Darren misguidedly called Athena, Chris dun goofed by picking Wilhelm, and Abel most likely got comedically knocked upside the head by a two-by-four just prior to choosing Nisha. Let them; their poor judgment will be their undoing. I have dibs on Claptrap.

He’s a literal killing machine

Borderlands is all about shootin’ and lootin’. There’s a lot of the latter, but even more of the former. Seriously, there’s so much stuff in that game that wants to murder you! Protectin’ yo’ neck is priority numero uno, because nobody likes a co-op partner that constantly needs reviving.

Who better to put behind a metallic vessel of death than a machine that was systematically engineered to kill everything in sight? Okay, maybe that wasn’t in Claptrap’s original design docs, but that’s a firmware patch that probably rolled out at some point. Claptrap’s such a badass that I bet he even auto-updated.

When it’s a matter of life and death, I’m going to opt for the little guy who allows no room for human error. That’s because he’s not human. He’s an infallible harbinger of pain that’ll kill with wit and lead.

Also, he can’t die, because (again) he’s not people. He’s probably just temporarily out-of-commission or something. That’s all theoretical, because I don’t anticipate that ever happening. Wow, you may not have dibs on Claptrap, but you’re damn lucky I’m even entertaining the idea of bringing you along on our journey, Captain Coattail Rider.

No oxygen? No problemo

The Pre-Sequel is all about moons and low gravity. Moon jumping sounds like a ton of fun (as long as it isn’t in Destiny)! It comes with one drawback, though — you only have a limited amount of oxygen.

WAIT! Let me rephrase that. It comes with one drawback for all you worthless human plebes, because Claptrap doesn’t need oxygen.

Claptrap doesn’t have robolungs, so there’s no need for air. Maybe oil, but that’s a completely different issue. That’s right — I get all the benefits of carelessly jumping a million feet in the sky as often as I want, and you’re tethered to a constant concern over your oxygen gauge. Maybe I’ll moon jump on your stupid dead body after you’ve suffocated.

Seriously though, if you love oxygen so much, why don’t you marry it? You probably think there’s only one thing better, and you’re right. But, I’m playing as him because I’ve got dibs, sucka.

Skills for kills, Agent

My little Fragtrap looks innocent enough, but that’s because you’ve only seen him in family photos where he had to be on his best behavior. Really, dude’s a badass and he has the skills to back it up.

His VaultHunter.EXE ability unleashes a random palatable smorgasbord of skills and buffs. There’s no telling what’s going to happen, but most of the time, it’s going to be good. Sometimes it’ll be abilities from previous playable characters in other Borderlands games. That’s so awesome that it’s not even fair anymore.

Oh yeah, and as capstone options, Claptrap can turn into the likes of a disco ball or a pirate ship. The disco ball shoots out every type of elemental damage in an area-of-effect attack. That’s right, enemies just got hit with fire, corrosion, funk, and more.

Are you beginning to see why I called dibs on Claptrap? You might as well snap your disc in half; I just ruined the game for you.

Your character is boring

Unarguably, the most hilarious moments in past Borderlands games belonged to Claptrap. Do you think that’s going to change here? The other three characters are described as “The Gladiator,” “The Lawbringer,” and “The Enforcer.” YAWN.

While everyone else listens to their character drone on about god knows what boring topic, I’ll be treated to unique, comedic dialogue that no one else can hear. It’s going to be great — just Claptrap and me sharing these moments. That giggling in the microphone? Disregard that; it’s just a side-effect of playing as a superior character.

You wouldn’t know, would you? 

Brett Makedonski
While you laughing, we're passing, passing away. So y'all go rest y'all souls, 'Cause I know I'ma meet you up at the crossroads. Y'all know y'all forever got love from them Bone Thugs baby...