The walls of my outpost in ARC Raiders are laden with some of the game’s deadliest guns. I have cupboards filled with the most expensive trinkets in the Rust Belt. My wallet weighs heavy with hundreds of thousands of coins in hand and another million worth of trinkets.
And I still can’t find a goddamn cat bed.
When I started ARC Raiders last week, I knew it could be trouble. I’d watched enough friends frantically running from Bombardiers to know the ARCs were dangerous, and the often vague wording on quests meant I’d have to play with guides by my side. But no one told me this type of thing could happen.
I need one cat bed to upgrade Scrappy, my rooster in ARC Raiders. He passively generates crafting resources for you, with higher levels getting you more resources. He wants Olives, Prickly Pears, and a single cat bed. How bad can it be?
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I drop into Buried City for the first time. Grandioso Apartments is supposed to be a good spot for cat beds, or so the internet says. I walk through the small, dimly lit hallways looking for anything that can contain loot. Nothing.
I go to the neighboring Santa Maria Houses, but all I find is dust. Lots of ARC overhead and not much luck on the ground. The clock is ticking, so I sweep Plaza Rosa and come back without my prize.
“Maybe I’ll have better luck in the Village in Blue Gate,” I tell myself after another internet search. I load in outside Pilgrim’s Peak. Tempted by the promise of higher-tier loot, I abandon my quest for a few minutes, vacuuming up all sorts of items. When I get to the Village, it’s already looted. “No big deal, I can just try again.”
So I stop by the Village once more. This time, all containers are sealed tight. I’m picking through trash like a rabid raccoon, going through drawers, wardrobes, and anything that could remotely fit a cat. I fill my bag with valuable knick-knacks, but I’m still one cat bed short. No big deal, it’s still Wednesday and the PvE test runs until next week.
I drop into Buried City for the tenth time. The Bird City event is on, which means a lot more trinket spawns, but sadly zero cat beds. No luck either, but I get enough cash to buy some inventory slots. I can fit so many not-cat-beds in there now.
I go to Blue Gate for the twentieth time. It’s night outside, I think. Might be Thursday. The map has been picked clean, so I do the walk of shame to the Village. The Lucky Hatch in the north of the area is taunting me. There is no luck here. I stock up on the precious goods left in the village ruins, including some gold-rarity trinkets. Combined, they’re well over 50 grand, but none of them are nearly as precious as a cat bed.
I consider leaving the PvE lobbies. The regular servers should have more containers, maximizing my chances to find my White Whale. But I can’t. At this point, it’s personal. It’s not even about Scrappy anymore. Sorry, buddy, but this is bigger than you. I need to do this, on behalf of all the cat-bed-less people out there.
It’s the weekend, probably. My friends are online. I give them some of the goodies I’ve hoarded, almost like I’m trying to bribe them for a certain utensil. “If you see a cat bed, please, I need one,” I tell them, timidly. I know they won’t find it. There are no cat beds here. “Don’t worry, I don’t mind if we don’t get one,” I say out loud, hoping I can use reverse psychology on a video game. It’s not the smartest plan, but I’m running out of options.
We crush quests on different maps, including a couple of visits to Pendola Pass. We get valuable materials to upgrade our outposts, take on higher-powered ARCs like Bullies and Rocketeers, and knock out a bevy of objectives. It’s a fun night, a good farewell to the PvE test.
It’s Monday. Dawn of the final day. At this point, I think I have a sixth sense for when Bird City will happen. (Yes, I know it’s like every three hours, but I’d rather attribute it to otherworldly powers than to the ways of this plane of existence. I stopped believing in the laws of the universe 50 runs ago.)
Bird City is on for the millionth time. I log in, defeated. I spawn by Grandioso Apartments, where it all began. Celeste tells me to look for the flooded panels outside, but she doesn’t mention I need to bring Wires and a Battery to fix them. I decide to check Santa Maria Houses before I leave, more out of habit than anything. And I finally find it.
I can’t believe my eyes. A cat bed hidden in the attic. I rubbed my eyes, thinking this was a hallucination brought on by too many cat-bed-less days. I immediately put it in my safe pocket, with just enough time to take one screenshot for posterity. I’m gonna tell my grandkids about this someday.
I return to Esperanza. I walk into my outpost, trophy in hand. I upgrade Scrappy, finally giving him the trophy he deserves. I did it. We both win today, buddy.
Except it’s not the final Scrappy upgrade. He still needs Very Comfortable Pillows. And not just one of them, because this small rooster apparently requires three full-sized pillows. For humans. I sigh, defeated. At least Bird City is on.
