Wait a minute, how’s Young Conker know that’s a couch?

Microsoft once again trots out Conker’s corpse

Here is a claim made in the video for Young Conker, one of the three pieces of software that comes with Microsoft’s $3,000 HoloLens (that’s development kit prices, not necessarily for public consumption, come its March 30 release): “Conker’s a much beloved property that has a huge following.”

Here is my counterpoint: No, that’s not true.

More people are probably familiar with Gex than with Conker and the foul-mouthed rodent hasn’t even starred in a game in 15 years (or 10, with the Xbox remake; 1 if you count that Project Spark…thing).

But I don’t think Microsoft is selling reality along with its $3,000 hat. It’s just hilarious the tone of this video, which stylistically apes, say, a Pixar behind the scenes. I actually laughed in the first 20 seconds with the “Wait a minute, how do you know that’s a couch” line cutting to a title card and upbeat music like we’re supposed to be impressed by goofy-ass augmented reality tech.

Or like we’re supposed to be impressed with this weird corpse of Conker — a dated, one-game-wonder mascot character — Microsoft trots out anytime it needs to sell some dumb idea or remembers it owns Rare. It doesn’t even look like Conker. And good lord, I get Muppet Babies or Tiny Toons or even Scrappy fucking Doo, but how unearned is “Young Conker,” conceptually? No one really wants another Conker, let alone a spin off. Just make a new cute mascot if you must.

This doesn’t even look like Conker anyways. Everything about this feels like something Conker would actively mock. On the other hand, if I ever get my hands on a HoloLens and some free time, it will be funny (and appropriately juvenile) to watch Young Conker platform his way over anal beads and nipple clamps at a sex shop.

Steven Hansen