Ubidays 08: Six previews of Ubisoft’s Games for Everyone lineup

Every station at Ubidays was packed full of journalists and bloggers. Every stations except for the Games for Everyone stations that is. I should have known better. I figured I had some time so I’d check out what Ubisoft was offering with their casual games.

I think I lost some of my manhood after I finished hearing about My Secret World for the Nintendo DS. You would too if you had to hear about a game that’s nothing more than an electronic diary for more that ten minutes. If you’re smart, you’ll completely avoid this preview post. If you’re feeling brave (or bored), all I can suggest to you is that you have Fleshbot ready to go in another tab so you can cleanse your soul after you’ve read everything. 

First of all, none of these games should be considered Games for Everyone. All of these games are targeted towards little girls. 

Petz Dogz Wii: 

Actually, Petz Dogz for the Wii is the only exception here as little boys could enjoy this game without making their fathers worry about their sons fututre as a potential cock chaser. Now then, all you little boys and Electro Lemons pull up a seat and let me tell you all about Petz Dogz.

In Petz Dogz, you get to pick between 18 different breeds of puppies and raise them as if it was a real dog. If you’re stuck having to play with puppies on a videogame though, it probably means your parents don’t love you enough to get a real dog. In fact, their love for you is as real as the dogs in Dogz

You’ll be able to teach your dog over 20 different tricks and you can go do activities like play fetch or race your puppy against other dogs. You’ll also be able to customize your puppy with different hats, clothes, masks and OH MY GWAD THE PUPPY SNEEZES ALL CUTE LIKE WHEN HE PUTS ON A MASK! YOU’RE SUCH A CUTE LITTLE PUPPY! YES YOU ARE! OH YES YOU ARE! … 

Er, anyway. The game will support up to four players where you can compete against each other and trade dogz with your friends. No word on any Red Rocket mini-games.

Imagine Girl Band DS:

Now it’s time for all the girl games. In Girl Band, you play as a girl in a band. You’ll have the option of playing with drums, guitar, bass and the keyboard. Playing the instruments is exactly like Guitar Hero. Press, strum, the instruments in time with the colored icons that scroll by the screen. 

You play dress up with your characters and earn money to become more popular and land record contracts. The game, however, won’t show the dark side of rock stardom that’s filled with drugs, alcohol, and meaningless sex. Little girls are going to play this assuming they’ll become a popular rockstar only to have their hearts broken years later as they fall from stardom and are stuck sucking their dealer off for another fix.

One actual awesome feature in this game is that it has four-player support. Each person and DS can be playing one of the instruments, forming a band like Rock Band. This game would likely have done better if this was targeted towards both sexes and had more focus on the music. 

Girl Band will be out in July. He, look at that Mr. Activision CEO. It’s another game that beat your full band experience. Jinkies!

Imagine Fashion Model DS:

Fashion Model lets you design clothes and live the life of a Fashion Model, all without the anorexia. The end.

Babies Party Wii:

Babies is another little mini-game aimed for kids who hate their younger siblings and can unleash their anger by abusing the babies in Babies. You’ll have over 30 mini-games that up to four-players can play.

Babies is just like Dogz. In fact, real babies are just just like dogs in real life. You have to feed them, clean up after them when they poop, and entertain the little monsters. If they’re still to annoying after all of that, you just dump the kid off with your mom and go to the local high school to check out all the fresh jailbait. Oh yeah ladies, I’m single.

Babies is also a secret way to tell if your friends are racists and/or homosexuals. If your friend goes straight for the white baby, then obviously he’s a racist. If your friend immediately picks the black baby, then it’s obviously just a cover to show you he’s not really racist, but in fact is. And then there’s the whole fact your friend is picking a boy in the first place. Obviously he has some feelings for boys.

Of course, only people with immature minds would be thinking like this. I am a very mature person. 2 plus 2 is 4. See, told you.

Imagine Teacher DS:

Imagine Teachers has your little girl playing the role of a teacher. Why on Earth would any little girl wish to deal with other people’s retarded kids and the shit pay is beyond me. Anyway, you’ll start off with four kids in your classroom (two girls, two boys), and the better you do, the more kids you’ll be allowed to teach. You’ll be teaching your kids through mini-games and helping their development along the way.

Now see, this is really a bad idea. All girls hate other girls (except lesbos). It’s a natural fact of science. Any girls that play this game will purposely fail the female students. Not to mention that girls under ten will also fail the boys because of cooties. Girls over 10, however, will make sure the boys get perfect scores no matter what in the hopes that the boys show their digital pee-pees to the teacher. Hey, it’s not wrong when a older female “molests” younger boys. That deserves a high-five.   

My Secret World DS:

Before I begin, I’d just like to thank Ubisoft for inviting me to Ubidays. With that said, THIS IS THE WORST “GAME” EVER CREATED. It’s a diary. It’s a God damn electronic diary. That’s all this is. 

You’ll have 150 pages max, tons of distraction items like stickers, quizzes and a multiplayer mode where everyone can take quizzes together. There’s some other shit about this game, but I’m done. Superman 64 is better than this. Why would a girl waste their time buying this? You can’t even write in it (you have to use a keyboard, can’t actually write with the stylus). 

Wal-marts have diaries, journals and paper on sale all the time! Even more infuriating here is that this has voice chat support over Wi-Fi. Yeah, you can talk over the Internet in this game. Games that could actually benefit from this feature, like say maybe Tetris, has no way for you to talk to others, but this crap does?

Lucky for you Ubisoft, no little girls read Destructoid. You’ll sell plenty of these titles to mindless impressionable little girls and continue to milk these Casual games until the end of time.

*sigh*, Time to visit Fleshbot.   

Hamza Aziz