The iRock: Technology at its finest

[Editor’s note: Beyamor brought us the iRock. Now, Enkido has played with it! — CTZ]

[Disclaimer: This blog does not represent the views or opinions of Enkido as he exists in a sane state and he cannot be held responsible for the content expressed in this article. For real, he does technology. Also, cocks.]

Good news everyone, you may have heard from Beyamor about the recently released and hotly anticipated new gadget, the iRock. Well readers, you may be wondering why this is good news. This is simple, prepare to be jealous as I reveal that I have obtained one of these devices for myself.
I can feel your envy. 

Now, good people, you have all heard what the PR department over at Beyamor Technologies has said about this revolutionary piece of technology. I am sure that some of you have been skeptical that such an amazing device could exist in our current time. You are probably dying to hear the reactions of the consumer, the early adopter, the first steps that will influence your decision about obtaining one of these supposed epitomes of technology. Well, I am pleased to inform you that I am here to serve. First impressions are that it is an incredibly impressive piece of modern technology. The much touted “rock-emulation technology” is like nothing I have ever seen. It manages to look and feel like a normal rock in a way that does not at all detach you from the experience; it is as if you are actually using a real rock and even I with my little experience with rocks, found it to be incredibly intuitive.

Not to ignore other statements, it was also claimed that the iRock had true one-to-one motion detection and full 3d right out of the box. In regards to the 1-to-1 motion detection I can happily report that it works flawlessly, as advertised, just as we have come to expect from Beyamor Technologies. However, as for the out of the box 3D I cannot be so sure. It seems that way but apparently due to the laws of physics and light I am only ever able to view one side of the iRock at any given time and so I am forced to trust that the true 3D capability is there. By now you may be wondering, “what of the other iterations of this device?” Well I can proudly say that this product has convinced me to dig into my pockets and shell out for the Supertoxic version of this astounding device. I must say that it works better than I could have ever imagined. It was fairly simple to test, just drop a little in a persons drink and watch the result.


It should also be noted for all those who wish to know, that the Supertoxic version of the iRock also has a surprising form feature. Yes, it appears that the device glows.

Stylish and functional.

All of these features serve to put the iRock at the forefront of our technological age. However, amazing as these features are, it seems that the iRock is capable of much more than what the developers even mention, a testament to its true technological advancement. For instance I have tried and found it to be a most sufficient bludgeoning tool. I have also seen fit to test its ability at a number of other tasks such as eroding and acting as an impromptu paperweight, as shown below.

Although I have had only a limited amount of time to test this feature, I am inclined, based on observed performance, that it would continue to perform this task without fail under normal conditions for as long as I could desire.

The release of this device is truly a landmark upon history and a true testament to the power of technology. However, some of you may have noticed that I have said that I have news, and not new. While this does not mean anything to the normal English speaking person, to the uneducated it would seem that I have implied the announcement of not only one but two or more pieces of noteworthy information. Unfortunately, you will have to settle with only two, as I am not omnipotent. I will not allow you to wait any longer, beloved patrons of technology.

I have successfully cracked the iRock!

Yes, it is true, this wonder of technology has already been cracked, a mere day after it was made available, in one of the greatest upsets in technological history! Forget the person who supposedly hacked the PS3. Where is his proof, how are we supposed to believe him? By now you might be thinking, that I have made such a bold claim and yet I have not offered proof either. Well, ask and you shall receive, my dear technophiles.

The Proof!

What prompted me to do this was the that the technology present in the iRock, although impressive, was still lacking in some instances. For example, by performing this crack I have created an copy of my iRock which I can now share with a friend. This crack has also allowed several other features to be used which the developers have not made readily available despite the systems ability to do them. For instance each copy is constantly interacting with each other at all times with relation to the mass of the original and the copy as well as the distance between the two. This interaction is achieved with a simple formula that I found which goes F=G((m1)(m2))/r^2. As well I have also experimented with stacking the two copies in an attempt to create even more possibilities. An example can be found below. I am not sure what this can offer as of yet but I will continue to play with it and try to find more capabilities.

It should be noted however that this crack does have its drawbacks, as do all of these things, sorry nothing is perfect. In this case, the crack requires you to make a permanent partition in your iRock in order to create the copy. This can have a small effect on both the bludgeoning and paperweight functionality that I mentioned earlier, and the copy, depending on how much you partition, will vary from the original in these as well. I can say however, that it does keep its true one-to-one, 3D, and rock-emulation technology completely whole in both the original and the copy with no loss of function. It is a similar story for the supertoxicity should you go for that model. All in all, I believe the crack to be worth it given the added functionality that it brings and the ability to share this amazing technology with a friend. For those interested the tools I used are shown below. Have fun.

About The Author
More Stories by Enkido