TGS 2007: Microsoft press conference: Microsoft to exploit phantom vaginas

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The above video is footage of the extremely recent Microsoft press conference from this year’s Tokyo Game Show. In the thirteen minute clip, it is revealed that MS will be giving Japanese gamers a plethora of items long available in the United States, such as the Xbox 360 Elite, the Messenger and (hopefully) bags of cash to convince the Japanese not to fear their gaijin ways.

Of course, none of the above tactics are going to draw the kind of excitement Microsoft caused with the announcement of a pink Xbox 360 controller (coming soon to every Japanese home in existence).

If there’s one thing I know about Japanese gamers, it’s that they’re all almost entirely asexual, but have strong effeminate leanings that drive them to squeal in glee at anything cute like the women that they only desire in the figurative sense that a Buddhist would desire a shotgun. In short, the entire population has vagina envy, and by filling their homes with items of a ‘kawaii’ nature, they can eventually roll their into tiny apartment into an adorable katamari in lieu of actually having to go out and meet members of the opposite sex with an eventual goal of procreation. The boys in Redmond have always subscribed heavily to my bizarre ether-induced thoughts on base sexual psychology — and trepanation — so this new paint job comes as no surprise.

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Earnest Cavalli
I'm Nex. I used to work here but my love of cash led me to take a gig with Wired. I still keep an eye on the 'toid, but to see what I'm really up to, you should either hit up my Vox or go have a look at the Wired media empire.