11 herbs, spices, inches
It’s not enough to sell us foods laden with saturated fats, covered in buckets of sodium, and drenched in fried grease. No, KFC — and really, the fast food industry at large — have much loftier goals in mind. They’re going straight for our stomachs, for sure, but now they’re targeting our hearts (and not in the way that makes them explode from malnutrition, as they traditionally have).
There’s now a dating game where you can date The Colonel, and it’s being published by KFC itself. They’re getting way, way too good at this.
Because the world makes so very little sense, I Love You, Colonel Sanders! A Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator is currently in development on Steam. You play as a young culinary student who finds themselves in class (taught by Professor Dog, a scholarly corgi) with none other than a hot-young-anime version of The Colonel himself. You must use your skills in the kitchen — and in the bedroom — to defeat your rivals and woo the pioneer of pollo into choosing you as his personal sous chef.
You know, they’ve always said their chicken was finger lickin’ good, but they never specified whose fingers. I’d always assumed it was your own, but now I can see it. It’s a warm spring day, and you and The Colonel are taking a nice, leisurely bike ride through the park. You stop and get a soda pop from a food cart, and Senpai Sanders looks at you with that gleam in his eye. Not as a man would look at a lover, but as a man would look at a delicious piece of southern-style fried chicken. He whisks you home. He dips your fingers in his secret recipe, each one delicately. Deliberately. Desperately. He pulls your fingers toward his mouth, opens the bearded cave of his gaping maw, and licks your fingers, one by one, tasting each and every herb and spice. The Colonel is yours, and you are his forever.
…shit! I just gave away the secret ending to the game! Sorry, KFC.