ESRB: Mass Effect 2 has alien pole dancers, future-blouse

The ESRB has worked its hilarious rating magic once again, providing a brilliant summary for Mass Effect 2 that makes it sound absolutely delightful. Among the many content warnings that the ESRB provides are details about excessive references to drugs, alien pole-dancers and — amazingly — the unzipping of what has been called a “future blouse.”

Seriously … a future blouse! Here’s what the ESRB has to say about the game’s sexual content:

During the course of the game, players may enter a bar where alien pole dancing exists (choreography highlighted on big-screen monitors) or hear suggestive comments such as “krogan sexual deviants enjoy salarian flexibility” and “if this is just about sex, maybe you should just f**king say so.” [Italics added] Players can also choose to have “romantic encounters” with the alien/human henchmen characters; this involves watching a guided cutscene in which two characters flirt, kiss, and/or embrace: clothed alien/human characters may prop a partner on top of a space console, clear away the clutter from a bed-slab, unzip a future-blouse, or just talk it out. Though an alien/human may gyrate her hips while on top (fleeting—one-to-two seconds), actual sex is never depicted—the camera cuts away to space furniture and ceilings.

“Unzip a future-blouse” may threaten to replace “flexed gluteus” as my favorite ESRB-inspired sexual phrase. Whether or not you agree with the North American rating board’s sometimes heavy-handed displays of power, one thing we can all agree on is this — whoever writes these summaries is a bloody genius!

Hit the jump for the full content descriptor.

In this action role-playing game, players’ objective is to defeat an alien enemy that is silently abducting entire human colonies. Players must assemble a team of henchmen, command a space ship, and travel to distant planets across a futuristic galaxy.

At its core, the game involves a combination of conversation/interaction with characters, and ground-based (i.e., “run-and-gun”) space battle: Players use assault rifles, submachine guns, shotguns, and pistols to kill humans, robots, and aliens in the frenetic third-person firefights. Some enemies emit large splashes of blood when shot (particularly with “head shots”); several enemies lie stagnant in pools of blood—factors for the Mature rating. Henchmen are able to freeze and shatter enemies, engage in melee attacks, set robots on fire, and use telekinesis to disable aliens.A handful of cutscenes depict dramatic interrogations in which human characters are threatened, punched, kicked, and shot (in the leg) by alien creatures.

The game contains themes of illicit drug use, addiction, and trafficking—often focal points to the branching storylines; for example, “Morinth likes dancing while on a drug called Hallex,””Narcotics flooded my veins when I attacked,” and “The asari injecting so many drugs into me was terrifying.”

During the course of the game, players may enter a bar where alien pole dancing exists (choreography highlighted on big-screen monitors) or hear suggestive comments such as “krogan sexual deviants enjoy salarian flexibility” and “if this is just about sex, maybe you should just f**king say so.” [Italics added] Players can also choose to have “romantic encounters” with the alien/human henchmen characters; this involves watching a guided cutscene in which two characters flirt, kiss, and/or embrace: clothed alien/human characters may prop a partner on top of a space console, clear away the clutter from a bed-slab, unzip a future-blouse, or just talk it out. Though an alien/human may gyrate her hips while on top (fleeting—one-to-two seconds), actual sex is never depicted—the camera cuts away to space furniture and ceilings.