ESRB Left 4 Dead 2 description reads like a blog post

I have to say, whoever is writing these ESRB rating summaries lately is getting saucy. Following the absurd (and long… and awesome) descriptions of Gearbox’s Borderlands and Double Fine’s Brutal Legend comes this 260 word missive on Left 4 Dead 2.

According to the ESRB, Valve’s sequel will feature “intestines spilling out of abdominal wounds; zombie jibs shooting in all directions; charred innards; and skeletal bits and unclaimed torsos.” The description goes on to put all of this violence into some perspective.

“While the litany of somewhat ‘gruesome’ depictions attest to the Mature rating,” it reads, “the over-the-top onslaught is, in some ways, mitigated by the exaggerated menacing evil (camp?) of the drone-like zombie horde; the genre homage (horror, zombies… cricket paddles) is palpable.”

Really. Well, thanks for the review/critique, guys. My pre-order money has already been handed over. Check out the full description after the jump. 

Infected zombie-like creatures roam the bayous, backwoods, streets, and parishes of a distinctly Southern United States in this first-person shooter set in the aftermath of apocalyptic pandemic. Groups of one-to-four players (i.e., the “Survivors”) work cooperatively to battle the “Infected” zombies and reach safehouses at the end of each round/chapter. Player-Survivors use realistic pistols, submachine guns, shotguns, and assault rifles to kill hordes of zombies throughout the game; chainsaws, machetes, axes, and baseball bats can be used in frenetic close-quarter combat (i.e., melee attacks). In most cases, large sprays of blood shoot out of injured zombies, and they can stain the ground, walls—players’ screen; for example, the “Boomer”-Infected explode in a shower of blood and bile when shot, which clouds players’ view of the impending zombie swarm.

Bladed melee weapons and direct hits from rifles, shotguns, etc., cause decapitation or dismemberment; intense depictions include: piles of the Infected in a pool of blood along the roadside; intestines spilling out of abdominal wounds; zombie jibs shooting in all directions; charred innards; and skeletal bits and unclaimed torsos. While the litany of somewhat “gruesome” depictions attests to the Mature rating, the over-the-top onslaught is, in some ways, mitigated by the exaggerated menacing evil (camp?) of the drone-like zombie horde; the genre homage (horror, zombies, . . . cricket paddle) is palpable. Consumers might also wish to know that the game includes profanity, such as “sh*t,” “as*hole,” and “b*tch”; however, it is the intense violence, the blood and gore that are the primary factors for the Mature rating

Nick Chester