Okay, so this last tarot prediction entry is running late, but we still have weeks of streams so we’re mostly safe. My life has been in positive upheavals with minor injuries. Sprained wrists, red wine, broken pinky toe, rose incense, rugburn, neat Etsy stuff, and breaking the next toe over. That last one was this morning.
My life has been an Alanis Morissette song as I’ve tried to get these summer stream tarot readings done. No, not that one. It’s “Hand in My Pocket.”
Punished Nietzsche asks: Will that rumored Marvel fighting game by Netherrealm studios show up?
Cards drawn: Eight of Strength, Six of Charisma, Nine of Charisma reversed.
The Eight of Strength, like a Belmont at the stairs to Dracula’s throne room, suggests a group of heroes has neared the end of their quest. They’ve grown strong, moving from strength to more strength — like Hard Drive continuing to dunk on Elon Musk.
They’ve done the right things, fought the good fight and a Six of Charisma says they’ve returned the grace and generosity others have shown them with much gratitude. Now the princess must be saved.
But with the goal in reach, a beautiful pirate queen pulls them off-course. She’s hiring, you see. She’s seen them in mortal combat. She’s witnessed their deeds and thinks they would be a great addition to her crew. They agree and forget about the princess since the pirate queen pays better.
The reversed Nine of Charisma can be about getting distracted and materialism, so that tracks.
If a Marvel fighting game was happening, you’d think they’d fight DC heroes. Lots of licensing and copyright issues, though, which is why there’s now a hero named after Gomer Pyle’s catch phrase and Red Sonja doesn’t hang out with Spider-Man anymore.
NetherRealm is probably sticking to Mortal Kombat.
Sam van der Meer asks: Pikmin 4?
Cards drawn: Queen of Charisma, Three of Intelligence, Ace of Intelligence reversed
The Queen of Charisma welcomes you home to a warm, hearty meal. Pies, fruit, cool ranch potato wedges, mead, coffee… it seems she also has whatever snack or beverage you’d like on-hand.
But the Three of Swords is a woodland nymph at the table and she weeps because those potato wedges and grapes were once her friends. She has memories of planting them, cultivating them, going on adventures with them, and telling them stories at a campfire with her space-dwelling friends Olimar, Minsc, and Boo.
She looks on in horror as the drunken wizard — or reversed Ace of Intelligence — asks for more cool ranch potato wedges and mead before passing out.
Pikmin is on the minds of and in the hearts of many, but it may also be a Diablo Immortal situation. An enjoyable, technically sound pseudo-sequel that goes mobile and then exploits what you love for more money and attention.
Lawman asks: Metroid Prime 4 and a new F-Zero.
Cygnus Rush also asks about Metroid Prime 4.
Cards drawn: Justice, Knight of Strength reversed, Eight of Wisdom
Justice has arrived on the scene. Long have we waited for news of Metroid Prime 4 and it seems that patience will finally be rewarded. The bounty hunter returns!
But the Knight of Wands tripped up and fell. This may be announced too soon. A delay into spring 2023 may happen and we get a Metroid Prime remaster to tide us over.
Drizzle Duder at the end here, the Eight of Wisdom, knows just as the sun is hard for him to look upon, the truth can hurt and still be beautiful in the end. This is why 5e gave dark elves and kobolds sunglasses as the old, racist light-sensitivity rules were dumb and sucked.
The overall reading says to be patient. Please understand.
As for F-Zero, Drizzy says hold on to hope.
Occams asks: Will my beloved Shadow Hearts ever get a chance to shine in the sun again?
Cards drawn: Seven of Intelligence, Eight of Charisma reversed, Judgement
The Seven of Intelligence is a shifty one. Full of secrets and those secrets have secrets and also lies. And maybe some obfuscation as a treat. If he told us anything it would be to trust no one, him especially. He does look like a plausible Shadow Hearts character, though.
So we’re gonna ask the reversed Eight of Charisma. She’s hit the gym a lot, and pumped lots of iron so she can pound iron and steel better than anyone at the forge. In between her protein shakes we asked her about a new Shadow Hearts and she said if such a thing they’ve kept it under wraps and are waiting until it is perfect, like her secret project, the Sword of Supreme Buffness +10. Or “The Amazon’s Caress,” as she calls it.
Judgement seems to be the only one willing to confirm anything, but he looks like The Spectre and tells us to look within and reflect, for the answers are inside us. That’s actually a very Hierophant thing to say but the Hierophant would also make you study to enrich your spirit. This guy just says he works for the gods but doesn’t pay taxes, so I find that advice suss.
Seymour asks: Will we hear Uncle Phil (Spencer) or God Howard trot out the phrase “We know you’ve been waiting to hear more on Starfield…”?
Cards drawn: Ace of Charisma, The World, Queen of Intelligence
Familiar faces from our Explosion reading! And though I know this arrives late, I pulled these cards well before the conference.
What you’re asking is definitely going to be something Todd Howard says if the Ace of Charisma is any indication. The World agrees and stands by the dwarven Ace. The Queen of Intelligence has little to add but Starfield will be on Gamepass, which seemed obvious.
She also saw me messing with Dall-E Mini and asked it what Phil Spencer and Todd Howard looked like, so here’s the results.
Vesalius asks: Any word on a new Rocket Jockey or Nightmare Creatures?
Cards drawn: The Emperor, Three of Charisma, Four of Strength
Couldn’t get anything from the cards on Rocket Jockey, though I looked into it. To be fair, they weren’t into the Star Wars pod racing games, either, so rocket-powered demolition pole-dancing was off the table.
So on to Nightmare Creatures.
A new adventure for Nadia and Ignatius? The Emperor thinks this is an ambitious choice, but the Emperor may or may not be Activision since they were the original publisher. A monkey’s paw situation given they also sit on things like Tenchu. The authority of the Emperor isn’t always a great thing.
But the bard on the Three of Charisma sings of an opportunity for roguish critical hits! He also is a Dark Souls fan and gushes that From Software could do Nightmare Creatures justice! But every FromSoft fan says that about anything, even Burger Time.
Four of Strength, being another teamwork card, chimes in as FromSoft fanboys, too. They are now going to consider and advocate FromSoft for Nightmare Creatures and also Burger Time.
Nightmare pickles and ketchup await.
Welshmetalhippy asks: Why is Bayonetta 3 not here already?????
Cards drawn: The Star reversed, The High Priestess, King of Strength reversed
The reversed Star responds, “Why don’t you ask your mom?” Then it blocks you on Twitter.
The High Priestess looks at you with serenity and calmly tells you to ask your mother. Then she says to “flock off.”
The reversed King of Strength sits dejected in the dark in front of an astral projection of some fit drow ladies modeling bathing suits as he sips on a mug of cheap beer.
Reminds me of Dad after the divorce, actually.
You want to ask the king about Bayonetta 3 but he narrows his eyes and you know you should just go ask your mom.
Muersault asks: How can NFTs be real if our eyes aren’t real?
Cards drawn: Death reversed, Ten of Strength, Six of Charisma
An inverted Death card speaks of fear and an inability to accept things as they are. If sight orbs were not a thing, how would a beholder be a thing? If that demon wasn’t real, how did you feel its fire? Eyes are real and so are NFTs, it’s just eyes are not a scam.
NFTs annoy like imps on a dwarf’s back. They exist, but we don’t like NFTs.
A reverse Six of Charisma is about greed, being taken advantage of, and sowing anxiety and doubt. It’s about the FOMO hustlers out to trick you into buying a lethargic monkey they want nothing to do with. Unless you’re Seth Green, then you will buy your stolen apathy orangutan back for $300k.
Tarot cards are a thought exercise or storytelling device at the very least, even if you don’t buy into the divination side of it. And you get neat cards to collect! Professional wrestling is scripted, but the athleticism is real as is some of the pain — it’s just the outcome is fake.
NFTs are real, but so are baseball cards. At least you can wipe your ass with baseball cards without right-clicking. I use Curt Schilling if I’m running low on TP.
Robo Panda Z asks: Will Tactics Ogre: Reborn be a reboot, a new title, or an eldritch abomination?
Cards drawn: Eight of Intelligence, The Magician reversed, The Hermit reversed
The Eight of Intelligence suggests feelings of confinement, like when you have pissed off your spider goddess and you’re now doing your best impression of The Hanged Man while you’re trapped in her web — but you’re still the Eight of Intelligence.
Reboots can be confining, too. Instead of finding new potential, you’re sometimes stuck starting over or catching newcomers up. The Magician turned upside down doesn’t care much for that, he aches to do something new or different.
But reversed Hermit feels it has been so, so long. He’d take anything. Long has he waited for a Tactics Ogre: Bicycle Race/Fat Bottomed Girls, Tactics Ogre: Bohemian Rhapsody, or even Tactics Ogre: Under Pressure! There hasn’t been a proper entry since the Tactics Ogre: Let Us Cling Together remake!
There just aren’t many franchises that reference Queen. Holographic Freddie Mercury needs his tribute!
Anyway, that’s it for this year. Or is it? I guess we’ll see what the cards have to say…