Proving superiority through SCIENCE
Ninja Theory’s redesign of Dante in DmC: Devil May Cry is easily one of the most controversial overhauls in gaming history. Lengthy arguments have been made, explicitly detailing why the new Dante is such a bad character, and yet others vehemently claim Capcom will never get their money again. Opinions are heated.
Opinions are, however, meaningless without me being around to point out the scientifically correct ones. For, indeed, the quality of the new Dante is a scientific fact, not something you can have a so-called “opinion” about. It’s like saying the Sun is cold or that birds can’t fly — you can’t have your say in this debate, because it’s a matter of reality versus fantasy.
The reality is this — new Dante is blatantly better than old Dante. If you disagree, you’re fighting science.
He has black hair
The old Dante was undeniably awful because he had white hair, which made him look like a doddery old Granddad. Oh, be careful with your bad hip, Dante, you stupid old piece of shit. The new-look Dante features black hair in a fashionable style, because he is hip with the times and speaks out to the youth of today. I don’t know about any of you creaking, ancient farts, but I live in the world of the now! I watch televisual shows like Bang Bang Theory and Come on Honey’s Boo-Boo. I don’t have time for some useless old duffer who can’t even pull his trousers up without getting a hernia.
Sorry to break it to you World War II veterans out there, but we’ve moved on from the Devil May Cry that you played before going over-the-top to shoot the French with your bayonet. Pensioners like Old Dante, Old Snake, and Old Sephiroth need to be taken out back and shot. The future is vital, beautiful, black-haired youths. Forever.
He was designed by a Western developer
Japanese game studios just can’t make videogames. I have to agree with Phil Fish on this one. Not a single good videogame has ever been made by a game studio in Japan. The biggest problem is that they draw everything like those silly cartoons they have over there, the ones where women sound like they’re getting fucked by a cactus all the damn time, and everybody has eyes so big they could blink and cause a hurricane. I’m sick of the anime crap found in games like Super Mario Bros. and Silent Hill, with all the spiky hair, pretentious prattling about love, and flashy bright backgrounds that are used as a gauche substitute for artistic talent.
Fortunately, we have loads of artistic talent in the West, which is where the new Dante has been designed — thank you, The One True Christian (not Shinto) God. Not only did Ninja Theory fix the hair, it gave him updated and sensible clothes — the kind of clothes regular joes like me wear all the time. He no longer looks like some big-eyed, spiky-haired, squealing anime girly-girl, which is what every single character drawn by a Japanese “artist” looks like.
Especially that Shigeru Miyamoto character — who the fuck drew him?
His jacket is a better shade of red
The original Dante’s jacket was more of a Fire-Brick shade of red. A decent shade of red, I’ll grant you, but it’s not in my top ten shades of red. If you’re really asking, the ten best shades of red are as follows:
- Electric Crimson
- Venetian Red
- English Red
- Persian Red
The new Dante’s jacket is more in a Venetian Red shade, which is smack-bang in the middle of my top ten. Meanwhile, Fire-Brick is probably ranked 12 in my list. This is proof that the new Dante is better.
He won’t fill your dark soul with light
In other words, he won’t pull this shit:
You know, they say there’s a lab somewhere, where researchers show this scene to rabbits, and the rabbits laugh. That’s right — bunny rabbits, unable to grasp the very concept of humor or irony, have been shown to spontaneously grow awareness of the hilarity in that scene, and start making noises approximate to laughter. It’s like a series of short, wheezing sniffs. This scene is such a joke, and old Dante is so fucking ludicrous, that not even rabbits respect him. That’s not even me saying it, that’s the research!
I’d let him fist me
I’m sure we all have a shortlist of people who, in the right context, would be welcome to fist us should the desire be brought up. Now, it’s never a long list (we’re not animals), but it is out there, for every single one of us. The new Dante is on mine, because, well … look at him. Show me the person who can resist that, and I’ll show you someone who’s clinically dead.
The new Dante is about ten times sexier than the old one, and I think we’ve all learned by now that the hotter a character is, the better it is overall. Videogames have taught me that if I don’t want to stick my penis and/or vagina in something (or have something stick its penis and/or vagina into me) then I can’t connect with it on an emotional level, and therefore cannot play the game. This is why I can barely get five minutes into Ico, but have spent a cumulative thirteen years playing Ridge Racer.
Old Dante is to new Dante as Gary Busey is to the Sistine Chapel. He can fill my dark hole with white, if you catch my drift (anus with semen).
He’s better written
One might argue that you cannot judge the entire characterization of a protagonist based simply on a few trailers. You can’t, but you can do something even better — simply assume things, and then judge the entire plot off the basis of what you just made up.
Based off of my extensive assumptions, I’ve concluded that DmC: Devil May Cry is a better written game with deeper characterization than any of the other Devil May Cry titles. There’s this particularly excellent scene where we find out that the new Dante has struggled for most of his adult life with acute gout, and this has been responsible for most of his unpersonable behavior. He breaks down and admits his condition in a tearful scene, just after he’s rescued adult actress Penny Flame from the clutches of Vampire Billy the Kid, before that woman from Murder She Wrote wakes up and reveals it was all a dream … or was it!? Then Penny Flame shows us all her buttered scones.
Isn’t that an awesome scene I just imagined? Proves my point entirely!
I mentioned the fisting bit, right?
It’s worth mentioning twice. Up to the shoulder, son.
Resident Evil 6
Really, after Resident Evil 6, would YOU trust Devil May Cry in Capcom’s unbound hands? I wouldn’t. Resident Evil 6 has been proven Official Bad, as demonstrated by the fact that some people on Metacritic said so. In fact, if you discount all the positive reviews, a damning 100% of all reviewers HATED the game and wants it go GO AWAY VERY QUICKLY FOREVER. We can’t afford to just ignore those kind of diabolical statistics, guys.
Ninja Theory, meanwhile, has only ever produced successful masterpieces. If we apply the same standards we applied to Resident Evil 6, Heavenly Sword currently stands at 100% on Metacritic, as does Enslaved: Odyssey to the West. Simple probability algorithms states in plain black-and-white that Ninja Theory is a better studio than any developer managed by Capcom. Again, don’t get mad at me, I’m just reading off the unbiased facts.
The stats don’t lie, and nor do I — DmC is blatantly better than any other Devil May Cry. The new Dante is the best videogame character ever, and if you disagree, you’re a dogfucker.