Feelin’ the pangs for some more Lo Wang
Since returning to Earth after traveling the voids of space for the Kidney Stone, the secret eighth Infinity Stone, and rescuing the world from very painful urination, I’ve settled back into giving away games. Sure, I could have kept my lifestyle as a playboy Space Pirate, traipsing from galaxy to galaxy with my whimsical misadventures and wanton promiscuity — but then who would give you guys free stuff? I didn’t exactly have a choice in the whole thing.
Well, in my travels I met a shaman who gave me keys for Shadow Warrior 3. I’m not sure what a space mage was doing with video games from Earth, or how he knew my exact pants size (even the length!), but either way, I can’t use ’em so I figured you guys would like them.
Did you watch the video above? There was a giant demon chicken thing and I’m a little confused. Not because they’re super uncommon or anything, but because the magic lady had some Rita Repulsa hair going on there. Weird!
Suffice to say Lo Wang did it again, people. This time he unleashed an ancient dragon and now must stuff it back into the to-go box from whence it came. It’s not as easy as folding down the sides and sitting on top of it until it squishes down enough to close the latch, mind. Something about a dead god’s mask, a dragon egg, and maybe an old Kenny G vinyl. They don’t have boxes for these anymore so it’s hard for me to cheat off the back of it, but I’m pretty sure all of those are right. I’ve also put some bullet points in case you clicked on this article needing to be sold on a free $60 MSRP video game.
- BRING A KATANA TO A GUNFIGHT
Conduct a symphony of death with each encounter by mixing overwhelming firepower with devastatingly precise katana strikes as you dash in and around the demonic hordes.
- FANCY FOOTWORK
Flow between nimble movement techniques including air dashes, wall running, double jumps, and the fancy new grappling hook busts your combat and movement options wide open in every battle.
- EXECUTE THEN ANNIHILATE
Execute spectacular finishing moves to claim a piece of your conquered foe and unleash its powers back on the horde in a burst of unstoppable fury and powerful magic.
- DYNAMIC COMBAT ARENAS
Each environment is lined with hazardous structures and devices that can be activated to add another layer of creative choice to the offensive strategy.
- NEO FEUDAL JAPAN
Trek across a mythic Asian land infused with the magic and technology of ancient samurai, now overrun by the demonic yokai from Japanese folklore.
- FUNNY BUSINESS
Brace for expertly delivered one-liners from Lo Wang, pointed banter with Zilla, and an intense thrillride of absurd predicaments on the way to turning doomsday into a new day.
To enter to win your copy of Shadow Warrior 3, comment below telling us your preferred platform and just what the shit this thing is. Seriously, what am I looking at? Every time I think I’ve got an idea of what’s happening, I notice something else and the puzzle pieces just scatter all over the table again. Based on the subject matter I’m pretty sure it’s a demon, but…why? Space has less strange creatures. I’ve been, as you’ll recall.
We have five copies each for PS4 (NA accounts only), Xbox One, and Steam to give away; please make sure to tell us which platform you’d like in your comment. I missed that part last time, and I paid dearly. Also be sure to watch your notifications, as I’ll respond to the winners directly in the comments. I’ll think about pulling winners around this time next week, but no promises are I’m seriously jetlagged at the moment. Also I have to find the motivation, which is always the worst part of doing these. Interested interns, send your resume to [email protected] to do all my dirty work. For free, of course. The games are free, and so is the labor!