Produced by Kyle MacGregor
Netflix is reportedly making a live-action television series based on The Legend of Zelda.
The news immediately sent the country, nay the world into mass hysteria. Some folks expressed unfettered glee. Others were upset, their minds drifting back to 1993 with repressed memories of the Super Mario Bros. movie seeping up through the floorboards of their tortured psyches.
Anyway, let’s suppose it’s true. Such a production will need a cast. Let’s put together another one.
Ryan Gosling as Link
Gosling is the perfect leading man. He’s a total crowd-pleaser, blonde, handsome, and already has the silent protagonist thing down pat. Did you see Drive? It was great. Gosling stood around looking pretty for about 100 minutes and hardly said a word. What more could you want in a Link?
Willem Dafoe as Ganondorf
Dafoe is a fan favorite around these parts, and I’m clearly not above pandering to my audience. Just think of the potential for cross-promotion with the Dafoeverse. Think of the possibilities! He’s also a skilled actor, you know, one adept at playing the villain. It’s truly a match made in heaven.
Aubrey Plaza as Zelda
Good lord, this needs to happen. Plaza is just the best. She’s not going to allow herself to be damseled either. She’s liable to lock Gosling in a broom closet somewhere before proceeding to gallivant around Hyrule, rolling her eyes and spewing deadpan, sarcastic one-liners all the way.
Horse as Epona
Look, we’re already over budget and it’s not like Mister Ed (or more updated reference) is going to add all that much to the production. Any old horse will do. I’d even be okay with a pony.
Morgan Freeman as Navi (or other sidekick)
Okay, let’s take that cash we skimped on Epona and splurge on Link’s sidekick. Since it’s probably going to be something supernatural, we’re really only looking for voice talent. This makes Morgan Freeman is the only logical choice. Let’s put it this way: If the man can send shivers down my spine by saying “More people go with Visa,” then just imagine what he can do with “Hey! Listen!”