Bob ends ‘100 day protest’ after a month, trashes his room, lies on floor crying

I was looking forward to providing regular updates on Bob of Bob’s Game fame as he continues his 100 day protest. As you may know by now, Bob locked himself in his room, claiming to isolate himself from society for 100 days or until Nintendo heard his pleas and gave him a license to officially publish his game on the DS. After a mere month, Bob has been found lying twitching on his floor, having surrendered.

Nintendo sells all these games about “doing your best” and “being the hero,” telling kids “you can do it if you try,” but in the end that’s just a story, a marketing lie that sounds good,” declares Bob. “That’s business. That’s the real world. In reality, if Link approached the castle gate, a guard would just throw him out. It doesn’t matter how much courage he has. It doesn’t matter how talented he is with his sword, or how pure hearted he might be. He’s wearing a dirty tunic and he has no credentials. ‘Get out of here, you stupid kid.’ The evil kingdom of Ganon (Or should I say ‘Gantendo’) spreads across the land, Zelda dies, and the credits scroll. Game over. That’s the real Nintendo, I guess.”

“… I really tried my best. Show’s over. It’s just not going to work. Sorry, everyone. I just can’t stay in here. My head won’t stop pounding. I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s like I’m splitting in half. I keep seeing these posts that I apparently wrote, but I can’t remember writing them. I’m afraid I’m becoming someone else entirely.”

Maybe Bob never really locked himself in his room. Maybe Bob never even made a game. Maybe this was all a sham. Maybe, however, maybe everything that happened was actually true. All we know now, is that there’s a rather funny GIF of him lying on the floor (thanks for that, Pedro).

My head hurts, so I’m ending this post. Sorry, everybody. Whatever. Why does this HURT so much?!  :'{“

Goodbye, Bob.

Jim Sterling