Theyāll have you seeing red
After ruling the home console roost for almost a decade, the mid-nineties were a turning point for Nintendo, and not in a āthey finally quit cocaine and got their act togetherā kind of way. After creating their own worst enemy by screwing Sony in an effort to make a CD expansion for the Super Nintendo, they were struggling with getting their own next-generation console to the market. A lot of other companies were touting their fancy 32-bit monstrosities, and Nintendo needed something to convince people that they were still on the cutting edge. Otherwise, they might turn to Phillips, Atari, or 3DO to satiate their need for extra bits.
So, they turned to the inventor of the Game Boy, Gunpei Yokoi, had him put a bow around that virtual reality thing he was tinkering with, and shoved it out to market. The hardware wasnāt ready. Developers werenāt ready. The public wasnāt ready. Nintendo wasnāt ready. So, the Virtual Boy was swept under the rug in less than a year, and we were all politely asked to forget it ever happened.
But then, there are jerks like me who wonāt let undetonated warheads lie. We have to just keep poking them, waiting for the safety mechanism to fail. We pull it apart, trying to see what makes it tick and if we can make it tick again. Itās in the name of science or something, I donāt care, letās just light this candle.
So hereās a list of the top 10 North American releases on the Virtual Boy. You may be asking, āthere were more than ten games?ā Yes, but only barely, so this should be easy.
10. 3-D Tetris
3-D Tetris belongs to the category of Virtual Boy games that were novel ideas that didnāt work out but no one had the heart to cancel it. Tetris is fun, cubes are great; on paper, everything should be pastries and gravy. 3-D Tetris almost works, and it even has a great aesthetic with some ātuded up tetrominoes watching you from the sideline.
The main idea is that rather than just building solid Tetris walls, youāre filling in a cube. This is a fine idea, but it fails in a few key areas. First, the controls take a lot of practice. Tetris succeeded in its easy-to-learn, difficult-to-master gameplay, so telling someone to manipulate blocks on three-axis is a big ask. Second, while the added depth helps with figuring out where your blocks are going to land, the fact that the tetrominoes fill as you set them down means youāll never be given a full view of the gaps in your structure. This slows things down substantially and makes it very difficult to course correct after making a mistake.
Iām not sure the formula ever had a chance to work, but it was a reasonable experiment. Iāll stick to Tetrisphere.
9. Mario Clash
We, unfortunately, never got a true Mario platformer on the Virtual Boy. Instead, there was Mario Clash, which was sort of like the original Mario Bros. arcade game if it was single-player and had the obligation to have an X-axis. You ascend a tower, floor by floor, eliminating baddies to proceed. The enemies are all impervious to Marioās boots, so you need to first jam some koopas back in their shells, then fling them at their more resilient comrades. Some can only be knocked out by hurling the hapless lackeys into the foreground or background, making use of the 3D depth.
Mario Clash isnāt a bad game, but it suffers from a problem youāre going to see a lot on this list: itās insubstantial. There are 99 levels, but they all play out essentially the same. When you clear them, youāre sent back to level 1, but the enemies are faster. I canāt imagine having the attention span to burn through the entire tower, let alone replaying it. While itās fun for a while, it wears thin long before you get to the penthouse.
8. Vertical Force
Another category of Virtual Boy is the āwhy is this even on the consoleā game. Vertical Force is a fine example of that. Itās sort of like Star Soldier, another of Hudsonās shoot-āem-ups. And, thatās it. Itās like Star Soldier. The end.
Okay, what I mean by that is that itās a vertical shoot-āem-up. Itās extremely basic, aside from the fact that you can move into the foreground and background. Itās not even a particularly exciting shoot-āem-up, nor is it a good showcase for the Virtual Boy. 1995 saw the release of Capcomās 19XX: The War Against Destiny in the arcade, and you want to tell me that this is the best the Virtual Boy can do?
Just to top off the disappointment, like custard instead of whipped cream, Vertical Force is extremely short at five levels.
7. Red Alarm
Speaking of ānot bad, but insubstantial,ā Red Alarm is one of the games on this list that actually feel like a complete concept. You fly your ship through wireframe corridors, shooting down enemy wireframes. The fact that objects arenāt filled in by solid textures can make it difficult to figure out what is a hole and what is a wall, but overall, it generally works fine. The problem is that there are 6 levels, and they all take about 5 minutes to complete. Math was never a strong subject for me, but I imagine if you put those numbers together, they donāt make a very big one.
6. Nesterās Funky Bowling
Bowling is a fun sport since you can usually do pretty well without being in shape. Athletes shouldnāt have all the fun. Nesterās Funky Bowling is a decent-ish representation of the sport, but thereās not much to it. While thereās a 2-player mode where you hand the crimson goggles back and forth, thereās no progression, career, or even a tournament mode to keep you hooked. The bowling pin physics are also rather underwhelming, and the bowling itself is pretty basic. Itās not the worst bowling game Iāve played, but far from the best.
5. Marioās Tennis
A Mario Kart game would have been a good fit for the Virtual Boy, but we never made it that far. Instead, Marioās Tennis would add a new sport to Marioās proficiencies. Like Nesterās Funky Bowling, this isnāt a bad approach to the sport. Using a sprite-scaling Tennis court, Marioās Tennis gives you a behind-the-back view of all the ball smacking, which makes good use of the Virtual Boyās stereoscopic depth.
However, tournament mode is your only feeling of progression, and theyāre incredibly basic. Once again, there is no career mode. There arenāt even various cups you can win across different terrains. Itās another game that just doesnāt have enough content to make it look like anything other than a tech demo. It does have the excuse that it was packed in with the console, which is something these other games canāt hide behind.
4. Panic Bomber
Originally released in arcades in 1994, this is technically the only time Panic Bomber was released in the West. Thatās unfortunate, but at least it isnāt the only way to play the game. Panic Bomber is a rather solid match-3 puzzle game with a Bomberman twist. Thatās about it. I enjoy it for what it is, and Hudson did try to use the 3D effects to jazz up the graphics a bit. Still, it really doesnāt benefit from added depth. However, in terms of puzzle games, this one rules the roost on the Virtual Boy.
3. Jack Bros.
Itās said that Jack Bros. is the first game of the Megami Tensei series to be released outside of Japan. Before you get too excited, itās a pretty unrelated spin-off. You can play as Jack Frost, Jack Lantern, or Jack Skelton, and their goal is to go through a series of mazes collecting keys. Itās nice to have a more adventurous game appear on the list, but Jack Bros. isnāt very compelling. The only use the depth has here is displaying the next level below the one youāre on. Itās better than nothing, but itās not something you couldnāt find on Game Boy.
2. Teleroboxer
Now we get to the first game on the list that Iād actually recommend. Teleroboxer is, as the name implies, a boxing game. However, it stars giant robots. Of any game released, itās the one that makes the best use of the hardware. The graphics keep the headset in mind, giving you a first-person perspective on the combat. Meanwhile, the movement makes use of the Virtual Boyās unique controller, having you manipulate your fists with the symmetrical d-pads.
Itās actually a great little title, packed full of personality. Something of a mix of Punch-Out!! And Battle Clash. The only problem is that itās very difficult. To date, I think Iāve only barely cleared the third fight. Maybe thatās for the best since there are only seven battles. On the other hand, there are only seven battles. Still, itās worth checking out for the unique control scheme and fun personality.
1. Virtual Boy Wario Land
The fact that Nintendo has never re-released Virtual Boy Wario Land is criminal in the most uncool sense of the word. The Wario Land has never really stuck to one particular convention of gameplay since its start as the third Mario Land title on Game Boy. This is the nearest continuation of that introductory title. However, itās more focused, expanded, and while it could be done without the 3D effects, it does make the effort of utilizing the Virtual Boyās unique features.
Itās also as tight as a pair of leather pants and as solid as a Christmas cake. Itās perhaps not the most unique platformer on the plantation, but itās polished to a mirror sheen. Plumbing the levels for treasures feels great, and Warioās unique mannerisms shine through. Itās one that shouldnāt be missed, which makes its exclusivity to the Virtual Boy nothing short of frustrating.
However ā and maybe you can predict this shortcoming ā itās very short. It still feels like the most feature-complete and well-rounded product in the Virtual Boyās limited library, but at 2-3 hours, itās the shortest in the Wario Land series.
Published: Jan 12, 2023 12:00 pm