Wolfenstein, Prince of Persia, Softporn II: 2,400 MS-DOS games playable free in-browser

The short-lived adventures of pornman and porngal

The Internet Archive has added to its archive with nearly 2,400 MS-DOS games that are all playable right in your browser, right here.

I’ve flitted between between Prince of Persia, Donkey Kong, and Aladdin within minutes, mostly abandoning them after remembering that I hate playing platformers with a keyboard. Also, what. This Donkey Kong is messed up.

I also checked out Softporn II as soon as I read the name. The lewd, 1985 text adventure is meant to set you up with, “the female of your choice” (ahh, yes, the female) whom you give commands like “have her lick my rod.” There are even 22 endings, including the 1 true ending wherein “you get rich.”

Unfortunately, after naming myself, the male, “pornman,” and the woman, “porngal” (black hair, brown eyes), I was immediately stumped by Softporn II. It asked for porngal’s bust measurement and wouldn’t accept, “hell yeah,” “big” or “tits.” I entered a number at random, completely unaware of what it would translate to in real-life proportions, and did the same for the waist and hip measurements. The game responded, “If you want a freak show, go the circus.” Rude. I have no idea what these numbers should be and I can’t find a guide anywhere. Old games are hard. 

I Google’d “correct bust/waist/hip” measurements and was able to proceed with 36, 24, and 36, but got uncomfortable when the game asked if porngal was older than 18 or not (of course she is). And then again at “deep red, granite hard nipples.” What an odd game. Plus, porngal did not want to slip away for banging to a TGI Friday’s bathroom. Rude. I actually formally lost when I couldn’t pick a correct place to go. Tip: “your house,” “home,” “car,” “alleyway,” “TGI Friday’s bathroom” are all no-go. Probably should’ve went with hotel but, c’mon, they’re expensive.

Anyways I’m going to stop playing this game now, but please tell me if you get any further with porngal (or the female of your choice). 

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Steven Hansen
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