WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW: Reviewing the new Burger King games

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As we all (especially this dude) know, the three Burger King games came out this week. Considering all three are reasonably priced ($3.99 each with the purchase of a Value Meal, and you only have to buy one meal to get all three), are they worth your dough? Or, will you meet an inevitably swift and violent end at the hands of The King by not buying them?

 Hit the jump to find out.

Writing a review of these three games isn’t as easy as one would think. On the one hand, all three games have limited features, lousy controls, and shallow gameplay. On the other hand, at four bucks, nobody’s expecting Halo 3; additionally, the titles often make up in style what they lack in gameplay. Therefore, instead of giving each of the games an all-encompassing letter grade, each will be graded on both “gameplay” and “style”.


Pocketbike Racer



In the first of the King’s games, you–surprise–race on pocketbikes. There are five courses and about a dozen pocketbikes to choose from, which can be unlocked as you progress through the different difficulty levels. In regards to characters, you can play as one of the more recent BK mascots (The King, Subservient Chicken), a generic, politically-correct teenager of varied race or gender, and…bikini model Brooke Burke. I haven’t the slightest idea what she’s doing in the game, and your own opinion as to her attractiveness will vary, but she’s about a hundred times hotter than she used to be for allowing herself to be put into a game that includes a boy shaped like the Whopper. You can also make your own character, but why bother?



As far as gameplay goes, it’s pretty much like Diddy Kong Racing, but with worse controls. By driving through small gates you fill your powerup meter, which unleashes more powerful attacks depending on how full the meter is.

There’s nothing particularly special about any of the powerups–or anything else in the game, for that matter. It’s fun to hit the “taunt” button as The King, and always satisfying to hit someone in the butt with an airborne missile, but there’s nothing here you’ve never seen before.

Still, it’s pretty solid at what it tries to do: while the controls are at times sluggish, the later pocketbikes handle much better and you can still have reasonably fun multiplayer matches. Assuming you can find anyone else to play such a weird-ass game with you, that is.


STYLE: 5/10 (+ 1 point for addition of Subservient Chicken) 

Big Bumpin’


The second title consists of several different minigames revolving around bumper cars, which actually turns out to be more fun than it sounds.

Again, you can choose from a cast of characters (including Brooke Burke, again) or make your own. Whoever you choose ends up being a moot point, as the camera is zoomed out really far and the only way to differentiate yourself from the other players is by the color of your bumper car.

The modes of play are Hockey, Last Man Standing, Own the Puck (kind of like king of the hill, but instead of staying in one place you’re trying to keep the puck under your possession for as long as possible), Power Surge, and a sort of Hot Potato mode, with about half a dozen different maps total.

Each game pits four characters against each other in a battle of supremacy, making the game feel like Mario Party or Fuzion Frenzy on bumper cars. The controls are pretty tight, the graphics are passably nice, and the minigames are fun with other people: gameplay-wise, it’s definitely the best of the bunch.

It’s also the most accessible: again, assuming you can get somebody to play the game with you, you just move with the left analog stick and turbo with the A button. All in all, it’s a simple, fun party game that anybody can enjoy.


STYLE: 3/10 


Sneak King



This is it. This is the game you want. This is the game you need. Gameplay wise, it’s unabashedly the worst of the trio, but Jesus H. Christ in a chicken basket, it’s one of the most hilariously weird games ever made.

Actually, “weird” isn’t the word. It’s more like “creepy.” Sneak King is the single creepiest game ever made.



You play The King, in all his glory. His subjects are hungry, and, like any ruler worth his salt, The King decides to give the people what they need. Directly. And, for some unexplained reason, covertly. The entire game consists of sneaking: whether you’re tiptoeing behind people, hiding in bushes, or sitting in a trash can, ready to pounce, Sneak King is a sort-of stealth game. I say “sort-of” because this is the first stealth game I’ve ever seen where you tiptoe behind an old lady, surprise her with a Whopper Value Meal (TM), and then play a timed button-press minigame to determine whether or not The King dances in place.

Gameplay-wise, the title is just plain bad. You move too slow, the maps are poorly designed, and the missions are repetitive.

 But none of that matters. I say this because the entire time you’re playing, you cannot help but be simultaneously terrified and hysterical at everything the game has to offer. Whether it’s The King’s fantastic motion capture as he dances , the High-Definition shine on his mask, or the way his gigantic head peeks out of trash cans as he lies in wait for his next victim, I’ve never seen a game that manages to be hilarious and downright terrifying at the same time.



Every time you surprise a character, The King always pulls some trademarked Burger King meal out of his coat. Each time, he makes the same motion and each time he comes out with food, but I swear to god that every single time he reached into his coat I was goddamn positive that he was going to take out a knife, or some other bladed object. Then, as his perpetually smiling face leaned in for the kill, he would begin to stab. And stab, and stab, and stab.

It also doesn’t really help that the game includes the single creepiest first-person mode in history: by clicking on the left analog stick, the camera goes inside The King’s mask. You can only see out of two small eyeholes, and the only sound you hear is the constant, deep, loud breathing of the man inside: after you’ve stared at someone through this mode for a good ten seconds, it’s impossible not to think that The King is going to rape somebody, and he’s going to rape them soon.



In conclusion, if you only buy one Burger King game, make it this one. It’s the kind of thing you want to show to other people just to gauge their reactions to it, and the sort of thing you take ironic pride in adding to your 360’s game collection.


STYLE: 10/10 


Well, that’s it for that. Questions? Additional reviews? Statements of loyalty to The King? Use the comment button. 

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