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A light-gun shooter without the light-gun; a cover shooter without cover; a first-person QTE simulator; an awful life experience – Rambo: The Video Game is all of these things and more. Teyon’s infamously bad 2014 release attempts to authentically recreate the first three films in Sylvester Stallone’s so-so action series, but instead I was left feeling like I’d spent the day covered in leeches while dangling chest-high in a shitty bog.

A bizarre mish-mash of incomplete gameplay styles, Rambo: The Video Game is a rail-shooter first and foremost, but bravely attempts to add depth through awkward, cumbersome, and mostly superfluous mechanics. These include a shoddy cover system, a largely irrelevant weapon selection, an incongruous skill tree, and copious amounts of insta-death quick-time events… I’ve pushed more cops over more office desks lately.

Here’s Co Bao on a riverboat… Look how they massacred my girl…

Contributing to this chaos are repetitive character models, fuzzy voice samples ripped straight from the movies, and a bizarre framing device in which Col. Trautman basically eulogises Rambo through what must be a seven-hour long funeral service. By the time the credits rolled, my arms were aching, as if my brain was sending pain impulses to my fingers to discourage further interaction. Regardless, it’s still a more authentic Rambo experience than Last Blood.

I pushed it. And it gave me a war I couldn’t believe. I’ll never get that £1 (inc. shipping) back.

While I drown out the death screams of a thousand soldiers, (or, more accurately, the same three soldiers over and over again), let’s hear how you spent your week when it comes to all matters gaming. You know how this works, just drop us a message below and fill both us and our beloved community in on the digital escapades that have been keeping you cheery.

Have a safe and pleasant weekend, from all of us at Destructoid.

About The Author
Chris Moyse
Senior Editor - Chris has been playing video games since the 1980s and writing about them since the 1880s. Graduated from Galaxy High with honors. Twitter: @ChrisxMoyse
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