What games are you never ever ever getting back together with?

Never say never

Are there any games or series out there that you gave a chance and really tried to like until they inevitably broke your heart, as many boys games do?

Sometimes you might even still have feelings for the games, or even love the time spent together, but you just know they aren’t for you now. The following are thank-you notes I’ve written the games that I’m never, ever, ever getting back together with. Feel free to write your own in the comments.

Thank you, Mortal Kombat X,

For driving the final nail in the coffin of secret characters. I now accept that unlockables, especially in the form of hidden characters or outfits, are dead. 


Thank you, League of Legends,

You kept me company when I was all alone, sometimes for up to eight or more hours a day. I’m sorry that you started seeing other people; people who mostly spout garbage and toxicity. I’ve heard you’ve cleaned up recently, but I’ve moved on. 


Thank you, Words With Friends,

For ripping off Scrabble and capitalizing on it. I actually enjoyed our time together until I started getting text messages — on top of your already plentiful notifications — telling me it was my turn. 


Thank you, Mario Kart,

We had such fun times together on the Nintendo 64, back before you were all about micromanaging parts of karts and had far too many items. Back before you needed a spreadsheet to pick your karts, there also used to be dedicated balloon battle arenas. Those were the days.


Thank you, Sega,

You were a large part of my childhood. Golden Axe, Sonic the Hedgehog, Ristar, and others were my jam. I’m glad you never remade Golden Axe or made a game where Sonic the Hedgehog is a werehog with stretchy arms or kisses a human. I’m so not in denial.

Jed Whitaker