Warning: Girlvania is not a very good Metroidvania

More bits than bats

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When I see the faux suffix “vania” at the end of a word, I have a Pavlovian reaction. Visions of whipping flying decapitated Medusa heads in mid-air, exploring a Victorian mansion that defies all concepts of sound architectural structure, collecting bizarre relics that allow me to traverse otherwise unreachable areas, all fire in my head in unison like a row of lovingly arranged Christmas lights, wrapped around an otherwise bare fir tree. 

Imagine the sadness that tree would feel if instead of being decorated with lights, some jerk covered it with breast implants and rubber asses. That’s how I felt when I first saw Girlvania, the highly pornographic, not safe for work or most other places in the world videogame for computers

There is no jumping or Medusa heads here. There may be whipping, but not in the traditional Castlevania sense. I guess you could think of some of these encounters as “boss fights”, as they involve using specific items to finish off giant woman-like doll creatures, but instead of being spooky in the “maybe there will be a giant blood sucking bat!” way, they’re spooky in the “why is this plastic humanoid naked and why is she sucking on that?” way.

There is also scissoring, which like Frankenstein’s Monster, is more gothic science fiction than science fact. Though logic would dictate that you can link the parts of different human beings together and make them work as a cohesive whole, in reality, they’re just left cold and lifeless. At least in my experience. Maybe some of you have managed to successfully scissor and/or bring a flesh golem to life. If so, good for you, though please forgive my skepticism. 

It’s not usually fair to judge a game based on what it isn’t, instead of just looking at what it is, but when you name your game in a way that builds expectations in your audience, you better deliver on those expectations. If someone makes a game, pornographic or otherwise, called Ass Ass ‘N Creed, then it’d better deliver on the running around a city and jumping into hay bales thing, regardless of how much ass it has.

Sticking lollipops in your character’s buttholes is no replacement for traditional action/exploration/platforming game design. That’s the main thing I learned from Girlvania

About The Author
Jonathan Holmes
Destructoid Contributor - Jonathan Holmes has been a media star since the Road Rules days, and spends his time covering oddities and indies for Destructoid, with over a decade of industry experience "Where do dreams end and reality begin? Videogames, I suppose."- Gainax, FLCL Vol. 1 "The beach, the trees, even the clouds in the sky... everything is build from little tiny pieces of stuff. Just like in a Gameboy game... a nice tight little world... and all its inhabitants... made out of little building blocks... Why can't these little pixels be the building blocks for love..? For loss... for understanding"- James Kochalka, Reinventing Everything part 1 "I wonder if James Kolchalka has played Mother 3 yet?" Jonathan Holmes
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