Videogame characters whose leg I would hump

Greetings, patrons of Destructoid. It is with a sense of entitlement  great honor that I return to the front page of this fine website, to once again bestow upon you the gift of JOURNALISM. Anthony Burch has chosen yours truly — surely based on my CREDENTIALS — to act as a guest blogger, that I may bring you the following feature regarding a supremely newsworthy topic:

Young ladies of the videogame world whose leg I would like to hump.

Given that I am a certified expert in both videogames and the art of leg humpery, it should come as no surprise that this article has been comissioned. Surely it is due to a NEED for my vast knowledge on these subjects to be shared, and not simply because Anthony and Jim did it and I wanted a piece of that same action. Carry on beyond the jump, dear readers, that I may relay to you which legs in particular are most in need of a vigorous nailing.

It should be noted beforehand that while the following entries are numbered, the featured ladies are not neccessarily showcased in order of leg humpability. Please trust that Geraldo Beedog would gleefully pound away at the lower limbs of each and every one of them.

10. Kagari (Ikaruga)

Pilot of the Ginkei, Kagari posesses both eastern beauty and a spooky-but-not-too-goth appeal. While she does have a tendency to push her partner around, she has shown a willingness to take on impossible odds and stick with her man no matter how insane his endeavors might be. And if she’s willing to hit the sack with a ghastly-looking bastard like Shinra, that pretty much quintuples my chances.

Cons: Bipolar
Hump intensity: Compound fracture


9. Nurse Kyoko (Rival Schools series)

Considering Kyoko’s prowess in the fields of medicine and anatomy — which allows her to snap joints like twigs and inflict outrageous pain in the Rival Schools series — one would only assume that she should be equally as qualified to produce the very opposite result with similar maneuvers, if the intent were to please rather than paralyze. The glasses aren’t an unwelcome touch, either. She knows the body, knows how to flex her authority, and she’s the only character in the game who’s legal, so there you have it.

Cons: Possibly wields the power to issue detention
Hump intensity: Fuck it, she’s a nurse; she knows how to patch it up afterward. Go to town.


8. The Mike Patton

Given, Mike Patton is not a videogame character in the traditional sense. However, he did provide the voice of The Darkness in 2K Games’ 2007 title of the same name, as well as the dude in the new Bionic Commando, and the demonic snarling sounds of the Anger Sphere at the end of Portal. This is certainly close enough in my book, which just so happens to be titled “I want to hump Mike Patton’s leg.”

As for the not-being-a-girl aspect of the situation, let us not be prejudiced in discerning whose leg should and should not be fit for a good humping. If the leg is found to be so deserving, should one not bang it? Geraldo Beedog humps out of respect and admiration, which know no gender. Simply bear in mind that the region of the leg that receives the humping should be low enough to ensure that one’s head does not … graze anything.

Cons: Has, on numerous occasions, expressed a desire to eat your soul
Hump intensity: Hard enough to absorb the genius of The Patton, but lightly enough to not require that either party spend more than five minutes crying in the shower afterward.


7. Faith (Mirror’s Edge)

What better leg to hump than that of a runner? The only Asian beauty this console generation has to offer, Faith has been unjustly moe-fied on image boards by what scientists commonly refer to as haters. There there, sweetheart. I don’t think you look bitchy. Maybe kind of scary, but I like that. I think it’s nice. I think all you need to turn that frown upside-down is a little tenderness and chivalry. Let me be the handsome prince who rescues you from that shitty game you’re in.

Cons: Dumb tattoos; always seeing red
Hump intensity: Harder than you threw your controller while playing Mirror’s Edge


6. Hatsune Miku (Project -Diva-)

Why hello, shimapan.

Cons: Could be an android (they don’t really clarify)
Hump intensity: Techno beat in D major


5. Fio (Metal Slug series)

The only daughter of an Italian zillionaire, Fiolina Germi has time and again proven her skill and bravery on many a battlefield within the Metal Slug series. She fights wars, I liveblog wars; it’s a veritable match made in Heaven. She is often depicted enjoying a sandwich after a tough boss battle, which means that she not only knows how to relax, but also knows how to pack a fine lunch — a trait most sought after by a globetrotting JOURNALIST such as myself. Also, she carries around a teddy bear named Peppino, and that kind of sentimental, girlish adorability pretty much always wins the day.

Any woman who can maintain a playful, childlike personality while hordes of enemy soldiers and hostile aliens unleash a barrage of deadly fire from every direction earns the Geraldo Beedog seal of approval. Which happens to be a thorough leg-humping. Although … she is prone to bouts of spontaneous obesity … but hey, her dad is a zillionaire. Zillion. Also, glasses. And giant robots. And tanks. And while we’re at it, boobs.

Cons: Sometimes turns into a zombie and vomits an endless torrent of blood
Hump intensity: Heavy machine gun


4. GLaDOS (Portal)

As part of a previously mentioned test protocol, the Enrichment Center is required to remind you that Geraldo Beedog will try anything once.

Cons: Deadly neurotoxin emitters
Hump intensity: 1500-megawatt heavy-duty supercolliding superbutton


3. Yorda (ICO)

Darling Yorda. Is there anywhere you wouldn’t follow me? I mean, aside from that separating bridge when we were … I mean, fuck, why didn’t you just jump? We could have been out of there and away from your bitch of a mother if you’d only … oh well, it doesn’t matter now. You’re here and we’re together and we’ve got these watermelons.

Say, those dark spirits can’t get to us on this beach, can they? I’m not crazy about always having to whack the shit out of other guys with a stick because they’re trying to steal you from me, you know. I didn’t go to all that trouble of saving you from those cursed ruins just so you could discard me like other women always do and then vanish. Speaking of which, are you, like … a ghost or something? Not that it would stop me, mind you, but I think I have a right to know.

Cons: Weird smoke monsters constantly trying to get up in your kool-aid
Hump intensity: Depends on whether or not she is a ghost


2. Alyx Vance (Half-Life 2)

Thoughtful, intelligent, caring, and just plain awesome to have around. Alyx Vance has achieved the impossible when it comes to videogame heroines, and that is to be a strong and sexy woman who can take care of herself without being a cunt. Sure, her puns are facepalmers now and then, but she’s smart enough to know it, and all it really makes you want to do is give her a big ol’ hug. Besides, it’s easy to forgive a half-Asian cutie with a love for science who can build her own pet robot.

Not only would you never get sick of her, it feels weird when she’s not there. Yes, that water is nasty, and yes there IS room for two in this HEV suit, miss cheeky. Also, you’d pretty much have the awesomest father-in-law ever. Who, by the way, totally gave me his permission to fill her with babies now that the Combine suppression field is down.

Cons: Um, none. It’s Alyx Vance, dumbass.
Hump intensity: Like an exploding Magnusson Device


1. Fuuka Yamagishi (Persona 3)

Sweet, delicate Fuuka. Always looking out for others, this kindhearted flower displays the sort of selfless nature that womankind is all but devoid of these days. She’s always interested to know how your day was when you get back to the dorm, and probably even baked you something while you were out. Because she missed you. Ever-ready to help out everyone else instead of thinking about herself all the time. 

And Geraldo Beedog does love the shy, quiet types. You’d never catch Fuuka having too many appletinis and losing her house keys or flashing random strangers on the train. In fact, you’d probably do most of your drinking together at home, especially when she can shoot herself in the head and summon a giant spirit who can tell you whether the bar is too crowded before you even leave the house.

Not only that, but she’s adorable and looks great in a kimono. And a swimsuit. And a uniform. And that sweater thing. And presumably, a bee suit.

Cons: Bad voice actress when she’s speaking English
Hump intensity: Geraldo Beedog will max out more than just her social link


I would like to reiterate that none of the ladies listed above is any more or less deserving of my humpy journalistic attention than the next.** I would also like to again thank Mr. Burch for affording me this opportunity to do JOURNALISM and STUFF on the front page of Destructoid once more, and to call him a STUPID BUTTFACE when he’s not looking.

It should also be noted that Chun-Li deserves an honorable mention, but does not make the list. Much as I would like to hump her mighty iron thighs, Geraldo Beedog is of tiny stature and easily crushed. Thank you for reading, and good day.

**Except for Fuuka, with whom I would have filthy, sweaty, acrobatic full sex. Fio too.


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