On the last episode of Podtoid, we were asked a very thought provoking question. It was put to us that our mother had been kidnapped by a terrorist, and the only way to defeat the terrorist was to eat it with our hands and teeth. We then had to choose which videogame character that terrorist would be.
This got me thinking about eating videogame characters, and which ones would be the most delicious. As a master gourmet and also a bit of a fatty, I am in the best position to discuss the gastronomic appeal of videogame’s famous faces. Not that I’d eat the face. Unless it was Kirby’s face.
I’ve avoided obvious food based characters like Dizzy the Egg and the burgers from Burger Time, aiming instead to broaden the culinary horizon and root out less obviously edible folk. Remember, these are characters that are probably delicious, not ones we already know would taste fantastic.
Read on then, as we discuss videogame characters that are probably delicious.
From: Kirby series
Probably Tastes Like: Strawberry Jam
We start out our culinary adventure with an obvious choice, Kirby. The little pink puffball is famous for eating, but I believe the tables ought to be turned with tasty consequences. While he looks like he might be a heavy source of trans fats, I believe that Kirby would make an excellent dessert, or could be ground up and put into a cake mix.
The benefit of eating Kirby is that it takes very little preparation. With no teeth or evidence of bone, all you’d have to do is rip out the eyes and tongue and you have yourself a ready treat. Ideal for kids on the go!
From: Oddworld series
Probably Tastes Like: Shepherd’s Pie
If the Glukkons though Mudokons were delicious, who are we to argue? Abe’s Oddysee and Abe’s Exoddus were all about the titular hero saving his species from being turned into various edible products. Mudokon heads are apparently very tasty when skewered and turned into “Mudoken Pops” while their tears and bones are the primary ingredient in “Soulstorm Brew.” Sounds great, let’s have some.
Mudokons are weak little shits, which is why cooking is a breeze. Just a quick punch in the gut, catch their tears in a petri dish, and remove the head as you see fit. You’ll then have enough food and drink to last the harsh winter months.
Name: Spyro the Dragon
From: Spyro series
Probably Tastes Like: Flame grilled steak
I have no idea what dragons taste like, but the fact that there are none around today informs me that they were hunted into extinction thanks to their overwhelming yumminess. This can be the only reason.
Since he’s a small dragon, and his very mortality seems to be controlled independently by a dragonfly, you should have no problem with Spyro. As an added bonus, you can break his neck and have him cook himself.
Name: Ecco the Dolphin
From: Ecco the Dolphin
Probably Tastes Like: Ecco the Dolphin
There’s a reason why tuna is such a popular fish, and that’s because of the delicious dolphin that gets mixed in with it. Some would call that barbaric, but if God had not meant for us to eat dolphin, he would not have given us TV shows like Flipper to tell us how rubbish they are.
Capturing Ecco wouldn’t be a big deal. You just stick a net into the water and wait for him to be attracted to it, since apparently any meshed material is like a magnet to those fuckers. You’ll be chewing on Ecco steak before you can say “really shitty Genesis game.”
From: God of War
Probably Tastes Like: The Marshmallow Man
He might be some hot-shit Spartan badass, but to me, Kratos looks like he’s made out of marshmallow with a raspberry ripple streak. I have concluded that he is full of sugary loveliness, and that David Jaffe also sounds a bit like Jaffa Cakes, which is also a delicious form of confection.
I admit that Kratos is definitely the most difficult foodstuff to put down, but this is why he’s managed to survive in ancient Greece, despite the fact that he is clearly made of tasty marshmallow. A lesser mallow man would have been skewered and held over a campfire long ago. I can’t give any cooking tips for Kratos, but I imagine that the one who finally gets to eat him will have tasted ambrosia. Mallowy ambrosia.
Name: Mother Brain
Probably Tastes Like: Beef Jerky
Hannibal Lecter may have been a bad prat, but he was onto something when he was having a bit of a munch on Ray Liotta’s brainbits. I imagine that brain makes for a rather chewy, savory treat, and the mother of such a tasty snack to be even better.
Cooking Mother Brain is relatively easy. All you have to do is sit it down in front of a Jeff Dunham DVD. Like any reasonably intelligent brain, you’ll find that within twenty minutes, it’ll be utterly fried.
Name: Nurse Demon
From: Silent Hill series
Probably Tastes Like: Skittles
Nurses are definitely creepy in Silent Hill, but I still get the sense that under that shiny shell, there’s a delicious fruit-themed soft center. I prefer to think of them not as demons, but as Imagination Candy. Tasty, lovely Imagination Candy.
Of course, we’ve all seen how easy these ladies are to dispatch, so you shouldn’t have any trouble. I just refuse to believe that with all the creatures James Sunderland crushed underfoot in Silent Hill 2, he didn’t bend over and lick at least one.
From: Final Fantasy series
Probably Tastes Like: Take a wild guess
Okay, so a Chocobo is kind of obvious, but since this article has already alienated Chad, I might as well upset Colette too. Chocobos are giant walking chickens, so one could naturally assume that they are just as tasty and versatile as their smaller brethren. I recommend boiling with sage & Onion Knight stuffing before cramming a Gysahl Green up its puckered yellow arse.
Killing a wild Chocobo is difficult since they can be quite vicious, but if you can capture and tame one, you’ll find it’s a lot more compliant. Just become friends with it, make it trust you, feed it greens and take it for rides in the forest. Then when nobody’s looking, grab its head and kick it in the throat.