Video games journalist is total big shot at high school reunion (Fauxclusive)

Because it’s the best job in the world!

Students attending the Monroe High School Class of 2005 10-Year Reunion say the most memorable aspect of the night was neither the catering by In-N-Out Burger nor the Wolfmother cover band. No, these students say the thing they’ll remember most about Saturday night’s event was the presence of writer Phil Thompson. Sources say Thompson, who dressed in the finest clothes available at K-Mart, was constantly surrounded by curious classmates interested in the lavish lifestyle of a video game journalist.

“He said he gets paid about 25 cents for every 1,000 views, which sounded a bit low. But then he explained that those thousands of views start to add up quickly. He must get millions of people reading his stuff everyday because he is clearly doing well for himself,” said Rico King, confirming that Thompson had omitted the fact he works two other jobs to pay for the studio apartment he platonically shares with a professional Smash Bros. player.

Standing next to the table of In-N-Out hamburgers eating what can only be described as his first full meal in several months, Thompson reportedly downplayed any part of his job that might make people realize writing about games isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, such as the terrible pay, long hours, constant harassment, and having your credibility questioned on a daily basis. Instead, he dazzled his former classmates with details of all the fringe benefits that come with writing for a major gaming website.

“I didn’t really regret going to law school and getting hired at one of the top firms in Chicago until I heard Phil talk about this one time Ubisoft gave him a free Nexus 7 when he reviewed Watch Dogs,” said Stacey Parks as Thompson discreetly filled zip-lock bags with as many hor d’oeuvres as he could. “Plus, he gets to go to E3. I would literally kill the next person I see for even a chance to go to E3.”

Unfortunately for Thompson, the night could not go on forever. Amid a flurry of applause and well-wishes, he left the reunion in the 1987 Toyota Tercel he convinced everyone was a loaner from a relative. As he turned the corner and sped off into the night, class valedictorian Doug Rider put into words what everyone there was thinking.

“I’ll be the first to say that I’m completely jealous of the guy,” Rider said. “I mean sure, I have a job that pays $300,000 a year, provides full benefits, all paid holidays and three weeks of paid vacation a year; not to mention my five bedroom house, Porsche collection, and a side piece that my wife is totally okay with. But he gets to play The Phantom Pain a month before anyone else. Next to that my life is nothing.”


CJ Andriessen
Just what the internet needs: yet another white guy writing about video games.