[Editor’s Note: We’re not just a (rad) news site — we also publish opinions/editorials from our community & employees like this one, though be aware that it may not jive with the opinions of Destructoid as a whole, or how our moms raised us. Want to post your own article in response? Publish it now on our community blogs.]
In case you’ve been living with Buddhist monks in the mountains of China for the past few months, there’s a clusterf*ck down in the Gulf of Mexico involving an underwater oil well erupting and polluting the water. Experts are having difficulties stopping it, but never fear, celebrities like John Cusack and Oprah are working around the clock in a secret underground base to save us all. Even James “I’m King Of the World” Cameron has an idea — he suggests fixing the problem by stuffing a few billion dollars he got from Avatar DVD sales into it, then pray to the Tree of Souls and wait for the rhinos charge the evil oil tycoons and their army of oil mechs. Anyway, it’s a long story, so just click here if you’ve been out of the loop. Everyone else, read on.
Since everyone seems to have an idea on how to stop the massive leak, I figured, why not ask a few video game celebrities if they would like to throw in their two cents?
Kirby’s Plan
I’ll go underneath the ocean, put my mouth over it, and suck in the rest of the oil. I’ll then lap up the rest of oil in the Gulf, as well as the oil that’s covering the animals. Once I’ve got all the oil I’ll go over to King Dedede’s palace and won’t that fucker be surprised. Meta Knight will then come at me, but I’ll swallow some of the oil and spit globs of it at him. Not so badass when you’re covered in dinosaur sludge, are you?
Kratos’ Plan
I’ll start out by taking a fleet of ships with a thousand men into the Gulf. I shall then descend into the heart of darkness itself, killing any oil soaked fish demons who get in my way. There is a chance I may find the dreaded Black Oil Humpback whale, but do not be afraid — by using the head of Medusa I can turn them to stone and break them easily. Once I reach the dreaded gusher of Hades himself, I shall trap it in Pandora’s box and unleash it upon those responsible. No longer shall the ocean be stained with black sludge. It shall instead run red with the blood of those who have defiled her, and the blood of the cursed ducks and baby seals I had to slaughter. Alas, I shall not find peace. Therefore I will drown in the blood ocean myself, so that the memories of my family’s death will cease to haunt me.
Also, at some point I have a threesome with two Florida University student volunteers.
Mario’s Plan
I’m-a thinking I can-a use some Goomba carcasses to fill up the opening. Then me and-a Yoshi can swallow all the animals and-a shit them out clean, providing they-a don’t suffocate. Then I-a take a break — union-a rules. I use-a annoying talking water cooler to clean ocean of-a sludge, and then kill-a all the squids who be-a polluting water. Peach can stand-a by on shore and pick some of those-a freaky turnips with faces we can eat afterward. And-a Luigi can… uhhh… play-a second player. Also, this-a gonna cost you twenty hundred red coins, plus extra for the-a rubber bands, gum, and-a paper clips I used.
Ekans’ Plan
[Note: Please use Google translation to read this part of the post. Pokémon is located between Arabic and Gopher.]
Ekans Ekans, Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans– Ekans Ekans — Ekans Ekans. Ekans, Ekans Ekans Ekans, Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. EkansEkans Ekans. Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans: Ekans, Ekans Ekans, Ekans Ekans, Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans, Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. EkansEkans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans, Ekans, Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans. Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans Ekans.
Wrex’s Plan
We Krogan live for hundreds of years, so I’ve seen hundreds of spills in my life and a few of them were oil. I can’t swim, but I could jump into the ocean and sink to the bottom. Then I can eat all of the animals, I don’t mind if they’re covered in oil, that just makes them slip down the throat easier. In fact, whenever I eat an Asari, I like to put a little oil all over her body and then lick up the excess so that she gets nice and tender. Oh, wait, that sounds dirty, sorry. Anyway, I might be able to plug up the leak with some Drell. Hey, Thane, you got a sec?
Dr. Gordon Freeman’s Plan
I could whack it with this crowbar. Or maybe I could use the Zero G something, something Gun? Oh, I know, we could… Awww who am I kidding. I’m not a scientist, I’m a fraud. I got this degree online, oh God Lamarr hold me!
Bobby Kotick’s Plan
If BP buys three thousand Guitar Hero game/controller packs (Guitar Hero games now ranging from only $59.99 to $60!) they can use them to plug the hole. However, there will be a monthly subscription required for continual use, about $15 a month. We can then station modern soldiers to guard the oil well, that too will cost $15 a month, plus a few dollars to keep the soldiers alive. Remember, Activision supports our men and women in uniform. Hey, Mike, how much food do our brave defenders of freedom need to survive? That much, huh? OK then, cut that in half and tell the senators to have them out tomorrow. Oh, where was I? Oh yeah, let’s build a Tony Hawk skate park so the poor animals and volunteers have a place to hang out and relax. There will be a $20 entrance fee, plus $10 for the optional exit fee. So what do you say? How about we sign the contract now.
