Veteran wows great-grandkids with story of receiving loot box on the beaches of Normandy (Fauxclusive)

Historically accurate

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Slack-jawed with eyes of wonder, the great-grandchildren of World War II veteran Clyde Hussley listened closely as he recalled his time with 29th Infantry Division and the day his life was saved thanks to a loot box. Hussley, who was just 19 at the time, explained to the kids that his life would have likely ended on D-Day had he not spent the $3.99 beforehand.

“It was a cold and wet morning,” he said, his voice cracked from old age. “The noise of the battle is indescribable. As we got off the boat and stormed the beach, I watched as my best friend Johnny was shredded by Nazi artillery fire. I would have died too, but thankfully my loot box parachuted down which doubled my armor and gave me a flamethrower. You should have seen the kill streak I racked up with that bad boy.”

At the end of that battle, where more than 4,400 of his brothers in arms died, Hussley said he honored their sacrifice with the traditional practice of tea-bagging his enemies.


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CJ Andriessen
Editor-at-Large – CJ has been a contributor to Destructoid since 2015, originally writing satirical news pieces before transitioning into general news, features, and other coverage that was less likely to get this website sued.