Promoted from our Community Blogs!
[Dtoid community darling Handy channels a most AMAZING ex-Dtoid staff member in his E3 predictions post. Want to see your own blog appear on our front page? Go write something! –Mr Andy Dixon]
For many years, Chad Concelmo wowed us with his E3 prediction posts. But Chad moved on to bigger and better things, and while we’re all very happy for him, a void was left in our hearts. I am by no means able to fill that void, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still enjoy ourselves in the run-up to E3. And so I present to you my personal attempt at the 2014 E3 predictions post!
While the Big Three gear up for petulant videogame warfare, an even more pathetic struggle rages behind the scenes, as three titans of prediction battle it out to determine the one true phony fortune telling device. Let’s meet our contestants!
Challenger #1: A Coin
Returning competitor from the 2012 predictions, The Coin is back for revenge. And while the actual cost may be low but the stakes have never been higher in this grudge match of the decade. This particular coin is a €2 piece with a harp on the back, denoting it is of Irish origin, and was acquired as change when I ordered pizza last week. The coin’s method of prediction uses pure mathematical probability as its weapon: yes or no, 50-50, chaos theory, Lawnmower Man… who knows what numerical horrors the coin could unleash.
Challenger #2: Tarot Cards
Some believe the cards are guided by spirits. Others believe they tap in to the collective unconscious. The only certainty is that these cards are out for blood — even as an impartial mediator I was subject to numerous paper cuts. First appearing in the late 14th Century, tarot cards have been used as a divination method for hundreds of years. But can the old ways predict the new? Can they foretell business decisions in the tech heavy gaming sector? Or will they think “Oculus Rift” refers to the space between my eyes?
Challenger #3: The Magic 8-Ball
Conceived in the ancient era of 1940, the Magic 8-Ball’s first incarnation was born in The Three Stooges short “You Nazty Spy” (no, seriously). A decade later, some enterprising gentlemen of the Alabe Crafts Company decided that yes, a hollowed out pool ball filled with goop and dice would make a great tool of the mystical arts. The 8-Ball can give a variety of answers and, as you will see, can be quite the fussy foreseer.
The Method
The question will be divided into four categories: Microsoft, Sony, Nintendo and General. I will ask each device a series of yes or no questions pertaining to this year’s E3. For the coin I will take Heads for yes and Tails for no. For the cards I will use only the major tarot, draw one card and interpret the meaning based on what that card represents and whether it’s in the upright or reversed position, which can completely change the meaning. The 8-Ball is designed to give yes or no answers; however, it also has a series of “neutral” responses in which case is will simply ask again, which will happen a lot, because the 8-Ball is a drama queen.
Three companies, three contestants, fifty questions, let’s go!
Microsoft
Microsoft has been embarrassing themselves on stage for the last few years, but this year they assure us it will be “all about the games” and less about the suits. Will they make good on this promise and focus on what core gamers want?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Death, Reversed – resistance to change, unable to move on – NO
8-Ball: “Yes definitely” – YES
With the recent announcement of Kinect being sold separately from Xbox One, will we finally be free of the flailing beast at this year’s press conference?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Moon, Upright – illusion, fear, anxiety – NO
8-Ball: “Concentrate and ask again” (I do so) “Yes” – YES
Will they have celebrities or sport personalities on stage?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Hanged Man, Upright – restriction, letting go, sacrifice – NO
8-Ball: “Reply hazy try again” (I do so) “It is decidedly so” – YES
Will there be extended talks about TV, sports, television, TV, Mountain Dew, and so on?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Hermit, Upright – soul searching, introspection – NO (let’s give them the benefit of the doubt)
8-Ball: “Outlook not so good” considering the topic, that means – YES
We know Halo 5 is coming, but what about other exclusives? Will we see the next Gears of War?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Tower, Upright – disaster, upheaval – NO
8-Ball: “Concentrate and ask again” (I do so, again) “It is certain” – YES
What about Sunset Overdrive? Will we see that?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Wheel of Fortune, Upright – good luck, karma – YES
8-Ball: “My reply is no” – NO
Will we see Quantum Break in either its game or TV incarnation?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Tower, Reversed – avoidance of disaster – YES and it won’t be terrible or – NO we won’t see it at E3, but it will be terrible
8-Ball: “It is certain” – YES
Will there be any Titanfall related announcements?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Fool, Reversed – naivety, recklessness – YES but it will be something dumb
8-Ball: “Concentrate and ask again” (I roll my eyes and do so) “Don’t count on it” – NO
Will Call of Duty continue its relationship with Microsoft with a new trailer or announcement of timed exclusive DLC?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Star, Upright – hope, renewal, serenity – YES
8-Ball: “Yes, definitely” – YES
Last year’s E3 was something of a disaster for Microsoft, but since then a lot of the controversial features of the Xbox One have been removed or scaled back. Do you think Microsoft has realized their mistakes and changed enough to have a strong showing this year?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Temperance, Reversed – imbalance, excess, lack of long-term vision – NO
8-Ball: “Yes definitely” – YES
Sony
Sony has a propensity of throwing rather dull charts, graphs, and sales numbers at our face during E3. Should we fear more of that this year?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Emperor, Reversed – domination, rigidity, inflexibility – YES
8-Ball: “Yes” – YES
With Jack Tretton’s departure from Sony, will the replacement speaker be able to live up to the vast legacy of being mild and inoffensive enough to “win” E3 by default of not being terrible?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Wheel of Fortune, Upright – good luck, life cycles – YES
8-Ball: “Better not tell you now” (getting real tired of your shit, 8-Ball) “Outlook not so good” – NO
Last year we were reintroduced to Final Fantasy Versus 13, now branded as a full-on Final Fantasy entry. Will we see a release window, a trailer, or anything at all this year?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Devil, Upright – bondage, addiction, sexuality, materialism – um… YES?
8-Ball: “As I see it, yes” – YES
Will we finally see the Last Guardian again? Is it still real? Was it ever real?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Hierophant, Reversed – restriction, challenging the status quo – YES (assuming the status quo is that it’s been missing for years)
8-Ball: “My sources say no” – NO
After a lukewarm reception, will The Order: 1886 prove to be anything more than “just” another third person shooter?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Empress, Reversed – creative block, dependence on others – NO
8-Ball: “Reply hazy, try again” (yet again, I do so) “Ask again later” – FUCK YOU, 8-BALL
How about the new Uncharted? Will we see that?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Death, Upright – endings and beginnings, change, transformation – YES but it’s a kart racer now
8-Ball: “As I see it, yes” – YES
Will they show support for the Vita, or will it forever remain the stretch goal that Kickstarters stop before reaching?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Star, Reversed – lack of faith, discouragement – NO
8-Ball: “Concentrate and ask again” (this fuckin’ guy) “Yes definitely” – YES
Will Sony keep trying to make the phrase “PlayStation Nation” happen?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Tower, Upright – disaster, upheaval – YES
8-Ball: “You may rely on it” – YES
Will they be focusing on Morpheus, Sony’s new VR technology?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Judgement, Reversed – self doubt, refusal of self examination – NO
8-Ball: “Better not tell you now” (the coin never gives answers like this) “Most likely” – YES
The big one for many people: will Project Beast be revealed at Sony’s conference?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Justice, Upright – fairness, truth, er… justice – YES
8-Ball: “Most likely” – YES
Nintendo
As people have no doubt been asking for years now, will Nintendo announce a new entry in one of their beloved B-tier franchises such as F-Zero, Star Fox, or Metroid?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Strength, Reversed – weakness, self-doubt – NO
8-Ball: “It is decidedly so” – YES
Will we see Monolith Soft’s “X” this year?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: ZA WARUDO – MUDAMUDAMUDAMUDA – WRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
8-Ball: “Outlook Good” – YES
How about Smash Bros? Will we get any new character reveals?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Emperor, Upright – authority, structure, solid – YES
8-Ball: “Cannot predict now” (I shake the ball a little more than necessary) “Cannot predict now” (I shake the ball violently) “Don’t count on it” – NO
What about Shin Megami Tensei X Fire Emblem? Will we get any new information on that?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Hierophant, Reversed – restriction – NO
8-Ball: “Yes, definitely” –YES
Last October, word was mentioned that a Wii U Zelda game may be on the way. (Possibly just a prelude to Hyrule Warriors.) Could there be a new, proper, Zelda coming our way?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Hermit, Reversed – withdrawal, isolation – NO
8-Ball: “You can count on it” – YES
The 3DS has been doing excellent but there doesn’t seem to be much on the horizon. Will there be any new announcements?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Star, Upright – hope, renewal, inspiration – YES
8-Ball: “Very doubtful” – NO
Is it possible Nintendo will make a bold move and just announce a new console altogether?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: The World, Reversed – lack of completion, lack of closure – (possibly referring to the Wii U) YES
8-Ball: “Outlook not so good” – NO
There will be an open-to-the-public Smash Bros event taking place across America during E3. Does this mean gaming websites are seriously going to have to dispatch people to Best Buy for hands-on previews?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Chariot, Revesed – lack of control – NO
8-Ball: “Very doubtful” – NO
General
Ubisoft made waves the last few years by springing last minute surprises on us at the end of their conferences, will they do it again this year?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Priestess, Upright – intuition, mystery, subconscious – YES
8-Ball: “Yes definitely” – YES
Will said surprise announcement be way too early and end up getting pushed back two years?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Hermit, Upright – introspection, inner guidance – YES (I’m interpreting this as Ubi looking inside and realizing “Oh shit, we announced this way too soon again”)
8-Ball: “Most likely” – YES
Will there be a new MGS5 trailer?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Magician, Upright – skill, action – YES
8-Ball: “Very doubtful” – NO
Will we finally get a real look at Persona 5? (Note: Chad asked this question on my behalf to a peccary in 2010. That peccary was a filthy liar.)
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Lovers, Upright – love, union, relationships – YES
8-Ball: “Reply hazy try again” (I need this, 8-Ball) “YES” – YES
Do you think by any chance there is perhaps maybe a small possibility that Call of Duty might conceivably have a presence at E3?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Death, Upright – change, endings and beginnings – NO? (though it may refer to a change within CoD, not our exposure to it)
8-Ball: “Outlook not so good” – NO
Is the new Mass Effect to be revealed this year?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Magician, Reversed – poor planning, latent talents – NO (it’s coming along, but not ready for E3 — perhaps just a vague teaser)
8-Ball: “As I see it, yes” – YES
Will Mountain Dew and/or Doritos have an embarrassingly large presence this year?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Temperance, Reversed – imbalance, excess – YES
8-Ball: “Signs point to yes” – YES
Will we finally get a look at the next Fallout game?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Judgement, Upright – judgement, rebirth, inner calling – YES
8-Ball: “You may rely on it” – YES
Will Shenmue 3 be announced or do I have to keep sacrificing these goats?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Emperor, Reversed – rigidity, inflexibility – NO
8-Ball: “Ask again later” (sure thing, we’ve only been waiting THIRTEEN YEARS for this!) “Outlook Good” – YES
Does Ubisoft seriously have the balls to announce two mainline Assassin’s Creed games at the same time?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Moon, Upright – illusion, fear, insecurity – sounds like a YES to me
8-Ball: “Don’t count on it” – NO
We all know the answer already but, as is tradition: will a Final Fantasy VII remake be announced?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Death, Reversed – resistance to change, unable to move on (starting to feel like this card is referring to me asking the question rather than answering it) – YES ANYWAY (#GoldenSaucer4Life)
8-Ball: “Very doubtful” – NO
Will Beyond Good and Evil 2 be announced?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Priestess, Reversed – hidden agendas, refusal to listen to oneself – NO
8-Ball: “Outlook good” – YES
Will Platinum Games announce another revolutionary genre-defining masterpiece that will get overlooked by the gaming press once again?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Devil, Reversed – breaking free, power reclaimed – YES
8-Ball: “Ask again later” (goddamn prima donna 8-Ball) “It is certain” – YES
Will David Cage be present and will he say “h’emotion” more than three times?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Empress, Reversed – creative block, dependence on others – (sounds like David Cage to me) YES
8-Ball: “You may rely on it” – YES
EA just announced that they would have six new games to show off at E3. Will even one of them be a new IP?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Hanged Man, Upright – suspension, restriction – NO
8-Ball: “Signs point to yes” – YES
Will Half-Life 3 be revealed, followed by world peace, genetically modified flying pigs, and free milkshakes?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Temperance, Reversed – imbalance, lack of long term vision (seriously?) – NO
8-Ball: “Very doubtful” – NO
Rumours abound of Resident Evil 7, but I think what we’d all really like to know is if the critically acclaimed industry darling Dino Crisis is finally getting the attention it deserves?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Chariot, Reversed – lack of control, aggression – NO
8-Ball: “Better not tell you now” (I will drain out your blue dye and drink it in front of you one day) “It is decidedly so” – YES
Is it true that Project Beast is actually an elaborate red herring to distract us from From Software’s true reveal: Metal Wolf Chaos 2?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: Sun, Reversed – temporary depression, lack of success – NO
8-Ball: “Most likely” – YES
Will Capcom announce a new Mega Ma-ahahahaha, ahhh, sorry sorry *ahem*. Will Capcom announce a new Mega Man? *snicker*
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Wheel of Fortune, Upright – Good luck, destiny, turning point – YES
8-Ball: “It is certain” – YES
They’ve been stringing us along for ages — after months of teasers and subtle hints could we be on the verge of finally getting our first look at Tractor Simulator 2015?
Coin: Tails – NO
Tarot: Lovers, Upright – love, union – YES
8-Ball: “Very doubtful” – NO
Will Capcom announce Devil May Cry 5 followed by one whole minute of deep apology bowing?
Coin: Heads – YES
Tarot: The Fool, Upright – beginnings, innocence, spontaneity – YES
8-Ball: “Don’t count on it” – NO
———-
So there we have it! Who will reign supreme? The clairvoyant Coin? The telepathic Tarot? The STUPID JERK-FACE 8-Ball? Do you have your own questions for the contestants? Will I remember to check the answers after E3 and declare a winner? Only time will tell…
