Upcoming PhysX update introduces state of the art dick physics (Fauxclusive)

Schlong live the new era of gaming

Game developers around the world will soon be able to create the most naturalistic penises ever when NVIDIA releases the next update for its popular PhysX SDK.

Codenamed “Woody Womb Pecker,” the update is being called a game-changer for developers who want to weird out their hyper-heterosexual male fanbase by casually throwing a penis on screen. The PhysX 9.15 update means programmers will no longer have to work long and hard to create flaccid genitalia with no personality. Now development teams will be able to easily make true to life penises in a variety of different sizes, from the Michael Fassbender to the wet Jude Law.

“We’ve had a team of coders dedicate themselves over the past 12 months to nothing but dick,” explained engineer Michael Brandon. “For them, it’s been breakfast? Dick. Lunch? Dick. Dinner? Dick. They have lived and breathed dick every moment since they started on the project; and thanks to their dedication we can now create an impressive member that will automatically shrink when it’s hit by a slight breeze and grow when an attractive female character walks on screen. It will also grow just for the hell of it, because you know that’s what dicks do. We have no control over these things and now, neither will your game characters.”

Sadly, Brandon says for now the team can only create heterosexual penises as homosexual penises act in ways that science, logic, and religion can’t yet explain.

CJ Andriessen
Just what the internet needs: yet another white guy writing about video games.