With less shirt than ever
It’s not even a slow news day, but someone needs to talk about the rampant shirtlessness that’s going on in Hyrule these days. If someone is even wearing a shirt, it’s very likely that it is only half a shirt. Zelda has long been the series of choice for people who leave the camera lingering on a character’s physique for an inappropriate amount of time, ever since the Great Fairy popped out of Ocarina of Time. This kind of discourse is important, regardless of whether or not it will be forgotten about in a week’s time.
I have carefully analyzed the latest trailer for Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, and through painstaking research and self-reflection, I have deduced the scientifically hottest hotties featured in the trailer.
This is the kind of hard-hitting investigative journalism you expect from a writer with no self-respect.
We’ve seen Link shirtless so often, that the only thing impressive about him anymore is his lack of nipples. He’s boring.
He’s grown his hair out, which could possibly mean that he’s continuing the gender exploration that began with Gerudo Town in Breath of the Wild. It would be good to see Link finally become comfortable with himself and his identity. Hot, even.
4. This Lynel
There will be no further questions.
3. Triceratops person
I really don’t know who this is, but I’m guessing the really tall person who gives Zelda an office-appropriate touch on the shoulder in that one scene. Something about their face just screams power, which is hot. It might be all the horns, but it could also be that look that says, “I just tripped and fell in the mud, but if you tell anyone you saw it, I will reach into your ass and turn you inside out.”
2. Hot Zora that everyone ships with Link
I am so glad that Sidon did not discover clothes in the intervening time between Breath of the Wild and Tears of the Kingdom. His confidence when it comes to walking around in the scaly buff is attractive enough, but his tremendous height is another factor. Points were deducted for having proportionately smaller legs.
1. Sexy, confident Ganondorf
We can probably all agree that Ganondorf has always been a delectable slice of evil incarnate, so it’s great to see that he feels comfortable enough with himself to show off more of his body.
Considering he was basically incorporeal the last time we saw him, he’s looking pretty good. Happy, too. Life must be treating him well. Maybe there’s room in that life for a significant other.