Tips for getting the most out of the Destructoid Cockeyes VR Helmet

What you need to know before you play

As you’ve no doubt already heard, the Destructoid Cockeyes VR Helmet aims to be the most immersive virtual reality bucket on the market. With its patented TruVue 360 bucket fidelity, the Destructoid Cockeyes will bring all the fun and excitement of having your head stuck in a vice directly into your home. We at Destructoid have already got our hands on this game-changing device, and those of us who survived can’t wait to share it with you.

If you’ve already set aside six paychecks to cover the 10 percent down payment you need to get on the pre-order waiting list for this state-of-the-art piece of technology, then the following tips for getting the most out of this revolutionary VR headset are for you.

  • Invite several friends over to help you throw away all of your furniture to create the 15′ x 15′ clear space needed to enjoy Destructoid Cockeyes. If you don’t have a clear 15′ x 15′ space, simply buy a new house.
  • Remember to clean out the vomit trap before use. If you forget and feel like you’re going to throw up due to motion sickness, remove the helmet and vomit onto a lesser piece of technology, such as a VCR or Amazon Fire TV.
  • Keep a box of tissues nearby for any blood that may begin to pour out of your eyes.
  • The Cockeyes requires a powerful PC to properly run its 16-bit graphics. To keep your computer from overheating, place it directly next to an air conditioner set to 37 degrees. If the air conditioner is too loud, turn the volume in your headset up until the ringing in your ears drowns out the a/c.
  • Wait at least an hour after swimming to use Destructoid Cockeyes.
  • Wearing the Destructoid Cockeyes in public will give you the Axe effect, ensuring you’ll be mobbed by bikini-clad supermodels and Hooters waitresses without having to do something as disgusting as spraying yourself will Axe.
  • Destructoid Cockeyes is currently unable to recognize black heads. Don’t worry, that’ll probably be fixed in version 2.0.
  • If you have a history of seizures, that sucks.
  • Doctors suggest limiting yourself to no more than 30 minutes of VR in a six-hour period, but we’d like to tell you that doctors are pussies.
  • If you think the Destructoid Cockeyes helmet could be used as some type of portable toilet, you’re technically correct.
  • When you’re fully immersed in virtual reality, you might lose track of what’s going on around you. Destructoid Cockeyes promises that when you’re using its product, it won’t notify nearby criminals that you’d be hilariously easy to rob right now and it’s the only VR headset on the market to make that promise.
  • If you find yourself slowly going mad as you’re unable to discern virtual reality from the real world, its job is done.
CJ Andriessen
Just what the internet needs: yet another white guy writing about video games.