Go away, Tauros
As readers will know, I recently confessed my closet Pokémon fandom and am celebrating my newfound liberation with a selection of Pokémon-themed articles for those who also like to throw hard metal balls at fluffy wild animals.
Although we might not like to admit it, part of what makes Pokémon so appealing is that its namesake creatures are so downright adorable. Many of them are very cute, inventive or just plain cool-looking. However, even back in the days of Red and Blue, the Pokémon designers clearly struggled to create 151 original pocket monsters.
Although it’d be easy to start off with the game’s sequels, where they really jumped the shark, I thought I’d start old-school, with the games you are most familiar with. These thirty Pokémon were handpicked by myself a few years back on Morphine Nation, actually, but I am now sharing with Destructoid the proof of what happens when a group of Japanese artists run out of crack and whiskey and find themselves with thirty more bug-eyed bipedal foxes to draw before the morning.
These are the thirty most rubbish Pokémon from Red and Blue.
Going in alphabetical order, our first rubbish Pokémon is Clefairy, an absolutely moronic-looking thing if ever I saw one. There’s something about this creature that looks more creepy than cute, like there’s an abstract femininity — perhaps even sexuality — to it, which disturbs and unsettles … if you think about these things for as long as I do. I don’t like the tiny little eyes, the shamefully blushing cheeks or the curly hair. I never liked the one fang it seems to have in its mouth, either, betraying the sinister and evil intent behind the fluffy “cute” surface. The little Iguanadon-like thumbclaws and the single toe on each stumpy foot just add to the disgusting display.
I dislike Clefairy. A lot.
Seriously, words cannot express my sheer hatred for Diglett. Look at it, just look at the fucking thing. It’s the pinnacle of lazy goddamn design, like the people in charge of Pokémon drawing that day just didn’t give a fuck. Did they reach 149 and get tired of drawing little fucked up monsters, unable to do just one more?
That must’ve been how this was, like they’d run completely out of ideas so they just said “fuck it, draw a curve and stick three ovals on it, there ya go… yeah kid, it’s a Pokémon, you fucking love it.” How much more boring can you get? It’s like a wad of poo with eyes and a cockhelmet for a nose. It seriously makes me so angry I’m shaking, I’m quivering and shaking and trying to type through the cloudy tears that have welled up in my eyes, droplets threatening to course down my cheeks in rivulets as the only physical means I have to deal with the sheer emotion attempting to escape from my body.
I don’t know if I could ever bring myself to use a Diglett in battle. It’s actually supposed to be a good one to use in the game, but just look at it. Look again at the thing. I’d be ashamed to associate with it as a noble Pokémon trainer. It’s lazy, it’s boring, and it makes me think of fecal matter. Diglett evolves into Dugtrio, which is actually just three Digletts popping out of the same hole in the ground. I chose Diglett over Dugtrio for this because at least there’s three of Dugtrio, so it’s value for money.
Okay, this bastard is included more as part of a personal vendetta than anything else. He’s the third evolutionary stage of the Dragon Pokémon, except he looks more like a cuddly toy than a fearsome firebreathing lizard. Why does the orange fucker have tassles coming out of his motherfucking head!? No, I’m not having that, it’s bullshit. The problem with Dragonite, though, is that the evolutionary states that come before him are so awesome that this stupid fucker just appears terrible in comparison. I’ve included him in the list because he’s nothing but a major disappointment after his superb predeccessors, Dratini and Dragonair:
As you can see, the whole thing seems to go absolutely wrong at stage three. What an utter letdown. My anti-Dragonite agenda doesn’t end there, however. See, I absolutely loved Dragonair; it was often part of my six-member team and I did train it lovingly. I was possibly in love with it. Of course, after many hours of training, Dragonair tried to evolve into Dragonite, and I simply didn’t want that to happen. I kept it unevolved and continued to train it, and every time Dragonair would level up, it would attempt to evolve once more. I figured I’d keep that up until the time I absolutely needed to fill my Pokédex by getting all 150 Pokémon. Of course, I trained Dragonair all the way to level 100, after which time… he stopped trying. He’d peaked and he wasn’t going to evolve anymore. So there. I never did get a Dragonite, because he was God-awful.
More like Dragonshite, actually.
And straight from the Diglett Designer’s workshop comes another insipid example of unimaginative pap. Seriously now, that’s something a fucking child would draw. It doesn’t even have proper eyes, just dots and lines like he’s fallen straight out of the pages of The Dandy or something. A circle with a stupid grin on its face, wow. What a Pokémon. The selling point is that it looks like a Pokéball, but Pokéballs are boring! There’s a reason the game isn’t about capturing wild balls that bounce around the hillside. This is the evolved version — its original incarnation, Voltorb, has slightly more character, despite being pretty damn crap in its own right. Electrode is a bad Pokémon.
Half a dozen eggs. Half a dozen eggs?! Who the fuck came up with that one, and who the fuck sold him the crack? One’s even broken and bleeding. It’s just … not right. It’s also six Pokémon, and that’s cheating. Also, what creep would fight with living eggs anyway? Some kind of fucking idiot would. This thing eventually evolves into a palm tree with legs and three heads, and that’s pretty damn stupid, but it can’t reach the levels of sheer garbage that is six eggs. SIX EGGS! What’s the point, even?
Psychic Pokémon are badass, but when they’re being represented by things like six fucking eggs, the whole side is let down. They’re six eggs. Six fucking eggs. They don’t even look friendly. They look like fuckers. They look like cunts who’ll talk about you behind your back. They probably even discuss the best way to kill you, like sacrificing one of their number by having it dive into your throat to choke you, and you wake up, unable to breathe, looking around at all the murderous eggs, laughing at you as you flail and convulse, panicking when you feel the desperate need for oxygen, consciousness leaving your mind, the laughter of the egg people echoing in your ears, their cruel grins a blur in your tear-stricken eyes. Then it starts to fade, to drift away. So scared, but so peaceful. Come now, my child. The egg people have delivered you.
That’s what they will definitely do. Never let them out of the ball.
If you’ve ever wanted to play a game where you fight unibrowed ducks holding spring onions, then you’re going to be a happy boy. If, however, you’re not FUCKING STUPID, you’ll probably want to tell Farfetch’d to Get Fuck’d. Apparently this Pokémon is based on the story of a duck who goes to get an onion for somebody preparing a meal, only to be thanked for his kindness by being cooked up along with the vegetable he procured. While that’s a great scenario, the Pokémon tribute to this legend is kind of shit. I have no interest in Farfetch’d. He was always pretty lame to play with, too.
A load of shit.
Golbat looks absolutely ridiculous. It barely even qualifies as a bat. His unevolved form, Zubat, at least resembles, y’know, a fukken bat. This thing, however, looks like Pac-Man fucked a Smurf and gave birth to it. Are those things on the bottom meant to be its feet? Watching this beast walk must be a sad, awkward parody of pedestrian travel. I never liked Zubat or Golbat, really, either from an aesthetic or a gameplay point of view. As well as being shitty Pokémon all around, they are fucking annoying as well.
Some of the Pokémon based on real animals were rather decent, but let’s face it, if you’re just going to slap a horn on a goldfish, why even bother? Stupid, dopey expression on its face, half-stoned, half-moronic, there’s nothing good about this thing at all. And how is that fish breathing out of fucking water? It doesn’t make any sense. It’s found in the water, so it clearly must need it in some way. But it never complains; it just flaps about saying its own name like a stupid bitch. It’s not just the fact that it’s a fish with a horn, I can’t stand its horrible face. It looks so smug and self-absorbed, what with its droopy fucking eyelids. Hell, fish don’t even have eyelids. Goldeen loses at being a fish.
I never really liked the Rock type Pokémon; I always thought they were a bit boring, to be honest, and idiotic examples like twattish Graveler here don’t help the case much at all. It’s really horrid-looking. It takes no imagination to draw a face and arms on a boulder, and it’s precisely the reason why rock Pokémon are mostly trash.
You can just do better than shit like this. Yes, it’s a wad of purple jizz that’s comin’ to get ya! It looks like someone tried to smelt down Grimace for the precious minerals contained within his body and got bored halfway through. Grimer’s yet another example of the designers scraping the bottom of the barrel, and I really hope they weren’t paid by the Pokémon, because shit like this isn’t worth one thin dime. What boggles me even more is they gave this thing an evolution, for crying out loud, one that looks almost exactly the fucking same!
Look, this is Muk. It’s Grimer, only sloppier. What’s the point? Who liked Grimer enough to decide the thing needed to evolve? Just leave it as it is, because nobody wants to train a crappy old Grimer.
This is another of those Pokémon made worse by the fact that they’re a disappointing evolution when compared to what they start out as. Hypno is just severely ugly-looking, with its Gonzo nose and nasty, slitty little eyes. I’ve no idea why it’s got an Elizabethan-style ruff around its neck, either. I’m prompted to ask where, exactly, do they find this shit in the wild? How come every single Hypno has a fucking ruff and pendulum? It only gets them after it evolves. Do they grow them out of their body? How does every Farfetch’d find an onion? Pokémon are actually pretty fucked up when you think really long and hard about it.
Regardless, Drowzee here is what a Hypno looks like before it evolves, and despite looking like an aardvark that’s been sitting in a bucket of its own shit for half an hour, I’d say it’s pretty good. But then it turns into that ugly, nasty little thing. It’s a creep is what it is. If ever there were a date rape Pokémon, Hypno would be it. He looks like that’s what he’d use the hypnosis for, and thus I’ve decided that’s what he does. Hypno puts Jigglypuffs to sleep and molests them.
Don’t act like you didn’t know it was fucking coming.
Anybody who has Krabby as their favourite Pokémon should actually be shot, plain and simple. I swear, if I ever met someone who used this dumb thing I would kill them. I really don’t need to explain the problem with this one, do I? It’s an awful pisstake of a crab, and crabs look awesome in real life. Krabby just looks Krappy.
So I got this far and realised I’d forgotten something that needed to be much earlier in the article. This speaks volumes of Ditto, who is now number 15. Totally forgettable, not worth mentioning, a complete waste of brain space. What’s worse is now my alphabetical column is all fucked up thanks to this worthless pink splodge. This thing’s talent is being able to transform itself so that it looks like other Pokémon, but is that really an excuse for making it look this awful? Yet again, no thought went into this one; they just squiggled on a piece of paper and then fucked off to the pub.
A stupid blue git who looks a bit like that lizard from The Magic School Bus; nobody needs to put up with such silliness. I never liked him at all, and because I write on The Internet, my opinions are important and you should all believe what I believe. Fuck Machop. Not literally.
Why does it have an arse on its head? Magmar is one of the more convoluted of the Pokémon and it doesn’t look even slightly decent. A silly fiery duck with a gormless, dumbass expression and an arsehead, Magmar was exclusive to Pokémon Blue and Red. Owners should have been grateful. It looks retarded, like a duck with Down’s syndrome. I don’t want a Pokémon with Down’s syndrome on my team. Magmar should be sat there with crayons and a nurse making sure it doesn’t eat them, drawing pictures of bunnies and stopping to play with itself now and then.
For looking like a windowlicker, I cannot abide Magmar. I play videogames to escape harsh, horrible reality, and reality doesn’t get much worse than the mentally ill and the physically afflicted.
I have to ask how robots can be considered Pokémon, because this is quite clearly a fucking robot. It’s like you can call anything a Pokémon, provided you can fit it into a small, two-tone ball. I reckon I could get a mosquito in one of those things, does that make a mosquito a Pokémon? Nintendo didn’t think this through. You can’t just make a robot and call it a Pokémon; there’s no definition, it’s just insanity. I’m seriously concerned by this. It’s why there are 500 different species now. Pokémon trainers are just gluing bits of wire and cloth to their dogs and claiming it’s a new species. Shit like Magnemite was an early warning of the folly of Pokémon classification, but we just ignored the signs. We buried our heads in the sand and let robotos worm their way into our ranks. Heed the warning! It’s how Skynet happened!
#19: Mr. Mime
As with Jynx, you just knew Mr. Mime would end up in the list. Easily one of the shittiest Pokémon in all of history, this mimey cunt is quite frankly disturbing. I despise the little wanker. For some reason, it reminds me of Richard Simmons as well, and I can’t quite work out why. Whatever the reason, I don’t want to deal with wild animals that make me think about Richard Simmons when I’m trying to face The Elite Four. It puts me off.
This, like Magnemite, makes me suspicious. How do we know someone didn’t just put a midget in an ill-fitting leotard and call it a Pokémon? I wouldn’t put it past Nintendo to pull a stunt like that. You know, there’s probably an entire genre of pornography out there dedicated to midgets dressed up as Pokémon and fucking. I can see it now — some stubby, tubby dwarf in a Squirtle costume, being given a blowjob by Mewtwo. Thanks, Mr. Mime…thanks for making me think about that. I really needed to have that on my mind this evening.
A frankly unsettling Pokémon, Paras resembles some kind of mite that has mushrooms growing off its back. Makes me think of those spores in real life that get into the heads of insects and start to control their mind, before killing them and growing out of their brains. The insect world is messed up beyond belief. Paras really can’t be happy with its standing in life, having fungi stuck to itself. Does it even need that shit? What’d happen if someone just kicked the mushrooms off? And why am I wasting so much time nitpicking what videogame monsters look like? Those mean people on Digg are going to say I’m stupid. Again.
The third evolutionary stage of Poliwag, I’ve always had a particular disdain for this stupid-looking Pokémon. Most of the best Pokémon have some kind of basis in reality, some kind of animalistic attribute that make them believable within the fantastical confines of the game universe. Then you get something like Poliwrath.
For crying out loud, just look at this filth here. You can make Pokémon out of LEGO now, it would seem. Apparently a “man-made” Pokémon (proving you really can just say anything is one), Porygon is a “virtual reality” creature that’s capable of travelling through cyberspace. It’s a piece of crap. Anybody could come up with a stupid bunch of blocks and say it’s a Pokémon. “Oh, oh but it can do Tri Attack,” fuck off, I don’t care. It can wanna fuck me with the biggest, blackest, most beautiful dick in all of existence and I’d tell it go take that swinging dong and cram it up its own ass.
My girlfriend told me to stop at 20 shitty Pokémon and I told her to fuck off. I wish I’d listened, because after about fifteen I started to lose it. You really can’t find thirty inventive ways to say “This looks shitty.”
But sometimes “this looks shitty” is all you need to say.
You know what? FUCK Psyduck. One of the most annoying, irritating lumps of vomit ever invented. Anybody who watched the cartoons as a kid should, by rights, have grown up hating all water fowl, just on the strength of how fucking abysmal this pudgy yellow dickhead is. Seriously, every time I see a duck at the park, I want to run up to it and kick its fucking beak off. I want to stamp on a duck. It’s all thanks to this stupid thing, too, that I’ve become so pathologically predisposed to violence toward amphibious birds. So help me, if I ever find an unattended duck, I’ll break both its legs and chuck it back in the pond and watch as it drifts there, quacking in agony and panic, unable to do a fucking thing about it. I’d grab a duck by the neck and swing it about my head, chanting “Psy! Psy! Psy!” in a twisted parody of the Psyduck.
It’s just a really silly looking Pokermanz, with serial killer eyes and a really dumbass haircut. I’d expect this kind of shit from a French cartoon, not a videogame. Spare me this mockery of duckstice.
It’s not cute, it’s not intimidating, it’s just a purple rat. Just a rat. What can I say? What more can I fucking say? Look. Rat. Rubbish. Do you want to play with that? No, of course you don’t. Because you are not pathetic.
There we go. This is Seel, and it should be pretty clear why I hate it. Some awful cross between a walrus and a seal with a fucking horn on its head — because as we learned with Goldeen, cramming a horn on something instantly makes it better. Of course, to complete the picture, it has to have its tongue lolling out of its mouth so it looks like even more retarded than it might have looked otherwise. Also, why is it presenting its ass up in the air for all to see? What a fucking dirty, nasty slut.
Where do we begin? Do we start with the cold, dead eyes and eery smile that make Slowbro look like one of those mentally retarded child killers? We could start there, couldn’t we? Or maybe we could start with THE SHELL THAT IS EATING ITS FUCKING ASSHOLE! That is NOT acceptable! No wonder he’s got such a distant smile on his face, he’s being rimmed by a giant shell 24/7. For being a proponent of sexual deviancy, and just weirding me out with its soulless gaze, I cannot approve of Slowbro. He’s a horrible, pink, dirty bastard.
Staryu is bullshit. As if starfish couldn’t get even more rubbish, along comes Staryu to prove it’s entirely possible. I can’t see the appeal in this thing at all, it’s just a stupid starfish. Clearly one for the girls, a real rugged manly man like myself has no need for such chicanery. I am such a man. That’s why I’ve wasted a whole day writing about colorful, playful monsters that are mostly pink and fluffy and have big, cute eyes. Starfish aren’t cute, though. They’re fucking nasty, slimy things that just float aimlessly in the sea. If I had my way, I’d have all starfish exterminated for being both useless and creepy. The sea is out of its fucking mind, giving birth to so many idiotic things. A starfish for fuck’s sake, of all the things you could have in the water.
Anyway, Staryu is crap, and like Grimer, it pointlessly evolves, because we need two boring starfish Pokémon, don’t we? Ridiculous.
The Safari Zone has Scyther in it. Scyther is a badass fucking Pokémon. The Safari Zone also has Tauros. Tauros is a bull with three tails. I don’t like Tauros. You don’t like Tauros either.
Let’s tell Tauros to go away.
Go away, Tauros.
Finally, we come to the last of the 30 rubbish Pokémon, with Weedle! Yes, this centipede thing manages to combine both the shitty, lazy facial features of Diglett with the pointless “whack a horn on it” mentality of Goldeen and Seel to create a really rubbishy Pokémon. Someone was actually given money to design that. I could draw ten of those in one minute and not be given a single dime for it. At least its counterpart, Caterpie, looked like a proper caterpillary type creature, but Weedle here? Utterly fucking stupid. Just a joke. A fucking joke.
I’ve had enough. I’m going to go and cut myself for a bit now.