The Non-Newsround #4: Bored of Mana

Since starting a weekly round up of news tips that aren’t good enough to grace Destructoid with their own posts, the biggest challenge to become evident is finding entertaining ways to write from sources that, at heart, range from unexceptional to simply dull. So far I’ve gotten away with it, but today’s edition may very well be the ultimate test of my writing ability, since I almost decided it just wasn’t worth it this week.

Join me after the jump for this Sunday’s Non-Newsround, as BlindsideDork shows us his box, I urge suicide among the masses, there is a magnificent hat and also, a giant NES controller.

[This week’s non-newsrounders are BlindsideDork, Ry C and Santos Gonzales]

BlindsideDork has a metal box

Super fast shipping, it said I ordered it June 1st, I got it first thing this
morning…Hong Kong to Washington, DC in a weekend!

I was going to send you 2 ninja pics but I figured the load was already big
as is….another time, another place I suppose.

Do what you want with them.

BlindsideDork

A few weeks ago, tipster king BlindsideDork passed on news about an Umbrella Chronicles special edition that turned out to actually not be a special edition at all, but rather a mere DVD carrying box. Well, not content to let the embarrassment of the situation die, the Dorkster went ahead and ordered the box and sent me photographs of it to prove so. Why am I sharing this with the world? I don’t know, I honestly don’t know.


Behold the cardboard glory!
The production values on this thing are pretty impressive, although I’m skeptical of the existence of mail order staff dedicated enough to write consumer addresses in their own blood.
I have nothing to say about this picture.
This really is the sweetest DVD box I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen one.

Holy crap, you get fingers with this thing!? DO WANT!
“Hello? Hello? Send paramedics, my DVDS ARE LEAKING!”
That’s more Resident Evil than is sensible, by the way.

Be a pretentious ass and ‘watch’ a concert in Second Life


Like all stories in the NNR, this one was roundly ignored by the other Destructoid editors and I really don’t blame them. If anybody’s at fault, it’s me for bothering to waste everyone’s time writing about what is not only a boring pile of rubbish, but what is, at the time of writing, obsolete news. Basically, on June 7th, some bands I’ve never heard of played music in some game I’ll never play.

Groups like Uncle Seth (who?), Valery Gore (what?) and Nadine Medawar (huh?) provided what is pretentiously labelled a ‘simulcast’ with NXNE’s C’est concert, simultaneously (hence the name, HOW CLEVER) pumped their tunes through digital avatars in Second Life for no other reason than that’s apparently the trendy thing to do now. Duran Duran did it, you know.

And now we reach the real reason for my bothering to write this much on such a worthless subject. I’d just like to use this platform to urge anybody who ‘watched’ this thing through Second Life to kill themselves. Just step on a wine glass and swallow the shards, looking into a mirror and gurgling “I deserve this,” through the blood in your sliced open oesophagus. Honestly, what kind of remedial subhuman sits there in front of their computers and actually watches low quality, primitive representations of musical events in lieu of actually going out and experiencing it live? Probably the same duncebreeds who use words such as ‘simulcast’.

It’s just the next level of trendy, Myspace-generation stupidiocy and it makes me want to vomit into a shoe and hurl it into a bush with the most erotic fury imagined. What next? Will they simulcast WWE shows, with a sub-par Second Life simulcast of Shawn Michaels simulcasting Sweet Chin Music in John Cena’s simulcast face for a simulcast title belt? Perhaps serial killers will be able to go on a simulspree while Osama Bin Laden experiments in simulterrorism. Or maybe everybody will just simuldrop simuldead, but that’s the best case simulscenario.

 

Live the dream and pretend to be Parappa The Rappa with an awesome hat


This may be the coolest videogame related piece of headwear that ever existed. The folks at Thebbps.com reported on this swanky bit of kit, custom made by Bear Hats, which is guaranteed to make any drooling simpleton feel like punching and kicking, all in the mind. You know you want it. You’re gagging for it, you kinky little tarts.


Seriously … greatest hat ever.

Excessively sized NES controllers for the win!


When I saw this on Kotaku , I was very, very close to giving it its own post, not because it deserves it, but because I’m simply that pathetic and desperate for things to do with my life. Thankfully, I have this feature to keep me distracted so I don’t go out and hurt women. Gaze upon it then, a ridiculously sized NES controller that actually works. Proudly postured before you at five feet long, it was fashioned for the Maker Faire 2007 by three artists and requires two people to use it. Or an ogre of some decription.

And that about wraps it up (thank the love of the Christchild) for another week. Wow, four weeks already. How time flies when you’re having something that is not fun. I leave you with yet another ending on a random video feature, a little song from one of the greatest bands of all time, Sparks:

James Stephanie Sterling