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Don’t fret, The HR Helper is here to make it all right! We’ve collected best practices from around the business world to help you trim the fat from your talent pool; don’t settle for sub-par performance and geeky Joss Whedon references in the break room.
This month’s tip comes to us from World Wide Widgets, Inc. of Philadelphia, PA. Their method for removing pesky controller jockeys from their ranks is efficient, effective, and shrewd. Once we read it, we here at The HR Helper just couldn’t wait to share it with you. We hope the case study below helps you to help those undesirable elements in your workforce to finally reach their kill screen!
MEMORANDUM
Re: Weeding out undesirable gamers from the workforce
To: All_Management
From: Human Resources
In the current state of the economy, the talent acquisition arena continues to be an employer’s market. This presents a golden opportunity for the company to upgrade human capital when positions open up due to attrition. Ideally, this attrition would be comprised of the employees who represent the greatest drag on daily productivity and morale — gamers.
The attitude and effort with which they approach their work is hardly representative of the caliber of employee we wish to cultivate at WWW, so we see a chance in the present conditions to manage as many of these individuals out of the business as possible. Every gamer removed from the rank and file is a space that we can fill with a more dedicated and qualified candidate, or (better still) another friend/family member of someone in upper management with even less experience. We would be remiss not to act on this in a timely fashion.
However, due to their strange obsession with games such as Phoenix Wright, gamers are a highly litigious cultural group, and so we must be prepared to defend our hiring/firing decisions in court. To counter the inevitable objections, we must be prepared to produce documentation which demonstrates the negative impacts of the gamer’s proclivities on the success of the business as a whole.
Below, you will find a series of corrective action forms which were created during the termination process of our most recent gamer firing, S*** ****y. Let this documentation serve as a case study for managers and supervisors company-wide to use as a model when driving the culling of unproductive and disloyal gaming types from our workforce. Please contact your HR Generalist if further clarification or assistance is needed.
Go get ’em!
— Human Resources
This document is to certify that the employee, S*** ****y, has been presented with a Verbal Warning for behavioral issues and/or poor performance. Reciept of this document implies the employee’s understanding that if these concerns are not resolved prior to the next evaluation period, additional corrective action may ensue, up to and including termination.
This Verbal Warning is being issued for the following infraction(s):
Jan. 5th: Absence without medical documentation, coinciding with the release date of Darksiders. Employee stated to supervisor that he felt like “Hell on Earth”.
Jan. 8th: Verbal altercation during team strategy meeting, where the employee became irate when others challenged his view that the current issues with growth logistics could only be resolved by “mining more vespene gas”.
Jan. 13th: After repeatedly being asked to complete his TPS report, the employee eventually produced a document titled “A Comparative Analysis of TPS Cover Mechanics from Gears of War 2 to Uncharted 2“.
Jan. 26th: Absence without medical documentation, coinciding with the release date of Mass Effect 2. Employee informed supervisor upon return to work that he was “back from the dead, and ready to shepherd his workload to completion”.
Jan. 27th: When confronted by his supervisor regarding his lack of commitment to meeting deadlines, the employee suggested that “perhaps you should have completed my loyalty mission”.
Jan. 29th: Employee attempted to manipulate company PTO Policy by claiming bereavement time due to the death of a home console.
This document is to certify that the employee, S*** ****y, has been presented with a Written Warning for behavioral issues and/or poor performance. Reciept of this document implies the employee’s understanding that if these concerns are not resolved prior to the next evaluation period, additional corrective action may ensue, up to and including termination.
This Written Warning is being issued for the following infraction(s):
Feb. 3rd: Among peers, was heard undermining managerial authority by referring to annual performance appraisals as “lame boss fights”.
Feb. 9th: Absence taken for “religious purposes”, coinciding with the release date for Bioshock 2. Co-workers were confused when employee mentioned that he couldn’t wait to “get swept up by the Rapture a second time”.
Feb. 15th: Employee was discovered by the facilities crew wandering around the warehouse after-hours destroying wooden crates and then cursing loudly about there being no gold or cooked chickens inside.
Feb. 23rd: Absence without medical documentation, coinciding with the release date for Heavy Rain. Multiple calls were received by IT Manager Jason Whitlock and Marketing Director Adrienne Shaun from an unlisted number where a male voice screamed over and over.
Feb. 25th: Employee was disruptive during the unveiling of the new company logo, complaining that “the graphics are totally last-gen”.
Feb. 26th: Employee engaged in direct insubordination; reported by supervisor as refusing to take on an important assignment on the grounds that his “quest log” was full.
This document is to certify that the employee, S*** ****y, has been presented with a Final Written Warning for behavioral issues and/or poor performance. Reciept of this document implies the employee’s understanding that if these concerns are not resolved prior to the next evaluation period, additional corrective action may ensue, up to and including termination.
This Final Written Warning is being issued for the following infraction(s):
Mar. 2nd: Employee incurred $279.00 in expenses when ruining a company-issued Blackberry by attempting to force UMDs into the charger slot.
Mar 9th: Unannounced personal day coinciding with the release date for FFXIII; employee stated that the CEO’s speech about WWW needing a paradigm shift inspired him to make some changes to his own plan of attack.
Mar 16th: Absence without medical documentation coinciding with the release date for God of War 3. Employee stated that he was “staying home to play God of War 3“.
Mar. 24th: OSHA Inspector forced to audit the entire warehouse for safety compliance after employee reported hazardous conditions for loading dock staff. When pressed for specifics, employee screamed “ARE YOU BLIND? THERE ARE RED BARRELS EVERYWHERE!” Employee was only calmed after being shown that the red barrels were used to store completed widgets.
Apr. 15th: Employee unsuccessfully attempted to assault a competitor’s employee by climbing the sprinkler pipe in the parking garage and then dropping on them as they passed. Employee missed by a wide margin.
Apr. 16th: Employee submitted a fraudulent worker’s comp claim for injuries sustained after falling from sprinkler pipe in parking garage.
Apr. 21st: Employee was admonished for continuously sending out interns on non-business related errands in order to “max out the Watts” on his Pokewalker.
This document is to certify that the employee, S*** ****y, has been released from service to World Wide Widgets, Inc. for behavioral issues and/or poor performance.
This Termination of Employment is being enacted for the following infraction(s):
May 7th: Unauthorized Sephiroth cosplay on Casual Friday.
May 7th: Unauthorized Sephiroth cosplay during company sponsored Happy Hour Morale Mixer.
May 18th: Employee No Call, No Show, coinciding with the release of Red Dead Redemption. Upon returning to work, employee demonstrated remorse and promised to put his “checkered past behind him”; was later seen straddling the copier and throwing looped extension cords at interns.
May 25th: Unauthorized Sephiroth cosplay when presenting fiscal Q3&Q4 outlook numbers to the public during the quarterly shareholder earnings meeting.
May 27th: After being moved to Accounts Receivable, employee was seen repeatedly slapping and striking a client who was late in remitting payment. After being removed from the premises by security, the employee assured his supervisor that he was acting in the best interests of the company, and that he was merely choosing the Renegade option.
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