The lump of coal in your heart
Destructoid’s Game of the Year awards are upon us. It’s a time to celebrate another year of excellent video games, share what surprised us, and evangelize the forgotten gems and stealth hits that may have gone unnoticed.
It’s also time to shit on everyone else’s favorites.
Let’s face it, half the fun of GOTY lists are explaining why they are deeply, deeply wrong to every other simpleton in the comments section. ‘Tis the season to dump on your fellow man’s bad taste, to perform your public duty to explain to someone why their favorite game of the year is something only a moronic ape (nothing personal) would love. But with so many games released this year — and with so many of them being frustratingly good — it can be hard to come up with convincing arguments for why they all secretly suck.
Don’t worry, though. I’ve got you covered. With this haters guide, you’ll never be caught short without a snarky word or bad faith insult to fling when someone has the nerve to saunter up and tell you, with a straight face, that Tales from the Borderlands was the best game of 2015.
Bloodborne
Bloodborne is a thrilling action-adventure game set in a dark gothic world. Blending monster-mash aesthetics, eldritch terror, and From Software’s uniquely brutal flavor, Bloodborne is a masterful return to form for director Hidetaka Miyazaki.
Why it secretly sucks: Wow, the story is “there is no story?” What a fucking concept. Here, take a look at this blank page I just pulled out of my ass. Am I a master storyteller too? How many times are we going to recycle this formula anyway? We get it From Software: you hate gamers and want to punish them. Take off the gimp mask already.
The Witcher 3
The Witcher 3 is the biggest and most ambitious entry in The Witcher series. An open-world role-playing game done right, you can easily lose yourself in the world of the Northern Kingdoms and Geralt’s thankless job as a slayer of monsters. Deep but accessible combat and a murky world of moral greys made this game stand out in a year where it seemed like another open-world game came out every other week.
Why it secretly sucks: Sure, The Witcher 3 got to be a good game, eventually. Gotta love a developer that “supports” its game right? Especially when “support” means “fix everything that was broken at launch.” No thanks. When I spend $60 on a game, I expect it to work on day one, not day 76. BT-DUBS, I still think Geralt moves like he has potion bottle up his ass.
Heroes of the Storm
A MOBA by the brain trust at Blizzard, this objective-based action bacchanal takes all of your favorite Wolrd of Warcraft, Diablo, and Starcraft characters (along with a few others) and throws them into a mercifully fresh take on the MOBA genre. Easy to jump into, but with as much depth as any other MOBA, Heroes of the Storm is quickly positioning itself as a serious alternative to League of Legends and Dota 2.
Why it secretly sucks: Don’t you get it? MOBAs are intentionally designed to be inscrutable to screen out the riff-raff. Why the hell would I want to play with a bunch of filthy casuals? Also, I can’t communicate with the enemy team at all? How the hell am I supposed to tell them how much I appreciate their mother on a nightly basis?
Rocket League
A breakout indie hit, many people got their first taste of Rocket League for free on the PlayStation Plus program, but it quickly established itself as a game people would pay good money for on PC and soon Xbox One. A video game ass video game, Rocket League is a smart, lean, competitive team game that’s easy to jump into but has a seemingly endless skill ceiling.
Why it secretly sucks: Well, it, you know… Cars are stupid.
Metal Gear Solid V
The swansong of series director Hideo Kojima. The drama surrounding Metal Gear Solid V’s development might have overshadowed a lesser game, but The Phantom Pain proved it could speak on its own. Trading the carefully manicured set-pieces and lengthy cinematics of the series’ previous titles for open-world espionage sandbox and a focus on uninterrupted gameplay, MGSV feels one part wild experiment, one part perfection of an established formula.
Why it secretly sucks: Remember everything I said about The Witcher 3? Now say it in reverse. MGSV might have been an awesome game when it came out, but ever since then Konami’s been working it over with a crowbar and a pair of pliers. Look at it, all broken with microtransactions and marred by economy rebalances. Who would want it now? If we held the GOTY’s in September, maybe it would have had a chance, but if I got this turd under my tree now I’d want to do a little wet work on Santa. Also, Kiefer Sutherland blows.
Fallout 4
Long awaited and much hyped, Fallout 4 is Bethesda’s follow up to both the beloved Fallout 3, and the mega-successful Skyrim. Set in a more colorful take on the post-apocalyptic world of Fallout we saw in the Capital Wasteland or desolate New Vegas dunes, Fallout 4 is a behemoth of a game with an unbelievable amount of side missions to unearth, companions to meet, and odd little slices of life from the end of the world to stumble upon.
Why it secretly sucks: My dog got stuck in an elevator’s doors and I never saw him again. 0/10.
Rise of the Tomb Raider
Rise of the Tomb Raider is Lara Croft’s second post-reboot adventure, and by far her best. While 2013’s Tomb Raider felt like a functional (if weirdly torture-porny) re-imagining of what the series used to be about, this one feels like Lara’s back for real. A focus on tomb exploration and puzzles while still hitting hard with jaw-dropping action showpieces, Rise of the Tomb Raider might just be the series high point.
Why it secretly sucks: We consider GOTY’s for dead systems? Maybe you could say this is the best game nobody played. How many copies have they sold now, like 30? Nice job on that exclusive deal guys, really worked out. Call me when the PC version is ready.
Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate
Massive beasts? Brutal difficulty? Impenetrable mechanics? We’re not talking about another Souls game, we’re talking about the other red meat – Monster Hunter 4 Ultimate. The juggernaut of a series continues to find impressive new ways to go over the over-the-top action of previous installments.
Why it secretly sucks: Sorry, I don’t live in Japan.
Batman: Arkham Knight
Supposedly Rocksteady’s last entry in the Arkham series, they didn’t leave anything on the table with Batman: Arkham Knight. Set in a positively gorgeous vision of Gotham City under siege, Batman faces down his greatest foes (and greatest failures) in this final adventure.
Why it secretly sucks: The Batmobile, the Batmobile, the Batmobile. How could they have thought that forcing the Goddamn Batman to fuss around with a bunch of fiddly puzzles in his car was a good idea? It’s a little difficult to “be the Batman” when you’ve flipped your whip over trying to navigate a stupid little ramp the Riddler set up to collect a meaningless trophy (which you need if you want to see the real ending). Also, shout-out to all you PC players! Keep chasing that dream.
Evolve
A cooperative/competitive five-player monster hunt from the team behind Left 4 Dead. A game that demands smart teamplay and clever mind games from every player involved, Evolve could be a gaming heaven or hell depending on who you played with.
Why it secretly sucks: *Continuous, mean-spirited laughter until they leave the room*
