The Ballad of ASSBUTT; Or, Times We’ve Abused the Option to Name Our Own Characters

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It happens every single time. I boot up a Pokémon game for my triennial let’s-try-to-do-something-other-than-power-level-Magikarp-for-twenty-five-hours-before-quitting-again routine. I play the first several tense minutes where your mom tells you to get the hell out so she can watch her stories. I mosey over to Professor Oak/Elm/Xavier to learn the horrors of Pokémon cruelty that would make Barnum and Bailey blush. Then I run into my rival. That little shit. I don’t know why he’s my rival; all I know is that we hate each other, and the next two hundred hours it’ll take to get from the opening screen to the final gym will be spent chasing and battling him.

If the designers were smart, they’d give him a name worthy of hate, like Chad or Skylar or Ajit Pai. But alas, they instead chose the Dark path, the path that allows me to name my rival. And me, being the 30-going-on-12 adult that I am, do the responsible adult thing each and every time.

I name him ASSBUTT.

Call it immature, but I get filled with a childlike glee every time I boot up the game and get to name my characters elementary-school-level naughty words. Tell me you’re not giggling thinking of ASSBUTT’s Weezing as he stares you down in serious battle.

Though the Pokémon games are my favorite example, I must note that they’re not an isolated incident by any measure. I’ve restarted Skyrim about seventeen times across the four times I’ve bought the game in some form or another (a fifth purchase is imminent once the Switch version drops in price, because as much as I want to shout on the shitter, $60 is a bit steep for that privilege).

Each time I try to outdo myself with a more stupid name for my Khajiit, because I always wind up picking that race. I try to use as much punctuation as possible, because fantasy names are confirmed to be the dumbest names throughout the various realms of nerddom. So next time you’re exploring Skyrim and hear the legend of the alchemist cat-thief-wizard Dho’kajnaa-A1yaa, please keep your ol’ pal Wes in your thoughts.

So tell us, Dtoid Community – do you also like abusing naming systems in games for your own sick pleasure? Do you have any recurring names you just can’t shake? Tell us in the comments below!

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Wes Tacos
Contest Baboon, part-time Mod, full-time dick joke specialist. Destructoid's official Hot Biscuits. I've personally backed exactly one KickStarter/crowdfunding project: Sony's PlayStation, by Dtoid community member darrenhupke.