Tetris movie is a trilogy because the story is too big for one film

I wish someone would give me $80 million to stroke my own cock

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I half-watched Jurassic Park over the weekend for the 289th time and Jeff Goldblum’s exposed-chest reprimand feels more prescient than ever in a world where an app that fucks over its drivers and undercuts our dire need for rebuilt (and often newly built) public transit infrastructure is valued at $68 billion. And eventually the meager jobs it does produce for the working class — jobs without benefits, with decreasing profit margins, with the ability to be fired whenever — will all be replaced by self-driving cars anyways. 

Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Remember: someone is making a Tetris movie. It wouldn’t even be too big of a joke — there’s already a movie based on the children’s game Battleship — except for the insane fact that this flimsy shit is already planned to be a fucking trilogy. Three sci-fi Tetris films! Tens of millions of dollars wasted on this.

Larry Kasanoff tells Empire it’s a trilogy, “purely because the story we conceived is so big. This isn’t us splitting the last one of our eight movies in two to wring blood out of the stone. It’s just a big story.” The fucking balls! You know all those great movies that are just one film you can watch? Well, we have higher aspirations than that, sorry!

“It’s a big science-fiction movie,” Kasanoff said. “I came up with the idea as I was thinking about Tetris and the theme of creating order out of chaos.” Ooooh, there’s even a theme you say!? YOU’RE MAKING A FUCKING TETRIS TRILOGY.

“We’re not going to have blocks with feet running around the movie, but it’s great that people think so. It sets the bar rather low!”

That would be better than any movie you’re going to make.

Exclusive: the Tetris movie will be the first part of a sci-fi trilogy [Empire]

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