That’s right, your mind is about to get blown.
This morning–and by this morning, I surely mean this afternoon–I awoke with a slight ache of the head. I assume this is because my body is lacking water, and in a last-ditch effort, my body is seizing it from my brain, which is shrinking my brain, which pulls on the membranes attached to my skull, and thus gives me a headache. I know this because Tyler knows this.
It occurs to me that this is probably one of them hangovers you kids go on about. I mutter something about vitamin water, wipe the drool off my face, and crawl to the computer.
Deciding that I do not deserve this headache, I come to the conclusion that I have to share it with the world. Enter this mind-f*cking edition of Sunday Sidequests, in which I will supply you with an arsenal of time rifles, so you can shoot all that boredom right in the face.
Brainjobs after the break, sirs and ladies. (Ed’s note: This was written Sunday. I f*cked up and deleted the rest of the post, and decided to just redo it today. Sorry.)
All Lights – This game drives me bat shit.
Stumble Upon is a valuable internet tool that is solely responsible for the creation of Sunday Sidequests. Often times I would hit stumble repeatedly, until, by complete stroke of luck, a little browser game would pop up. I’d pause and play and bookmark. Today’s stroke of luck was All Lights. I haven’t stopped playing it yet.
I consider myself a brilliant, amazing, awesome, dashing, modest person. That said, All Lights kicks my ass. This game is Satan reincarnated into 25 squares that you need to turn yellow by way of mathematically contrived clicks… I don’t know what the hell is going on. As far as time-wasters go, out of any game on the internet, this has wasted the most of my time. And I still haven’t beaten it. UGH.
Petals Around the Rose – This took me 5 minutes, and that’s considered good.
“I can tell you only three things. One, I can tell you the answer to any roll. Two, the answer will always be either zero or an even number. Three, the name of the game is Petals Around the Rose and the name of the game is very important.”
This is what I’d repeat over and over whenever there was a break in D&D (how cool am I?), dice falling from my hands as I smiled, eyes scanning the room at my clueless friends. The purpose of the game is to figure out how to play the game, and after that it’s pretty much boring. But try and figure it out , don’t google the answer. Remember, there are only three things I can tell you…
The Crimson Room – All the fun of being trapped in a room, now on your tubes.
Ah, Crimson Room. Whereas my previous two “games,” were beautifully obfuscating in their simplicity (a sentence that sounds just as good on the SATs), this game is rich with depth and redness. It is the simplest of symbolism, really. Red Room. Blood. Oh noes.
Despite this cliché monicker, I do love this game. As a matter of fact, beating it was one of the happiest moments of my e-life, right up there with being an e-bully on our forum (say anything ever again, Napuja, and I will lock you). Give it a try, get frustrated, toss your mouse across the room, sabotage your computer, get a Mac, replay it, and own that shit. In that order. Don’t skip steps.
Lightning Round – Oh, that’s where he hid the entertaining flash games.
Reaction Time – Does this even need a describing sentence?
Reaction Time (sheep) – Like the ones above, except more science-y.
Tower Blaster – Math and vikings and towers and whatnot.
Double Wires – My spider sense told me to put this up.
Nanaca Crash – My record is 4709.56m.
Anyway, that’s it for this week’s late edition of Sunday Sidequests! Remember, you can always send me submissions, comments, ideas or love notes at [email protected]. Until next time, I’ll be playing All Lights!
