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As a wise man once said, anything can be made to sound sexual. Whether it’s a nice “that’s what she said” joke, or a strategic use of “your mom,” sexual humor can be found anywhere. Games are no exception.
Sometimes, there’s really just no excuse. In other cases, you have to stretch a little to make it work. But the sheer number of games that include sexual content without realizing it surely numbers in the hundreds: a fact that would make the ESRB quiver and bite its collective lip. Calling out all of these games would not only be detrimental to retailers everywhere, but it would also be humanly impossible.
So, instead, I offer but a warm taste of the total load: just enough to leave you curling your toes.
Sturdy bone: Final Fantasy XIII
We gamers aren’t above a little toilet humor. If you’re anything like me, no dick joke is too much of a stretch to make. Thus, we have sturdy bone. It’s a bone. And it is sturdy. What more do you need to know?
Thankfully, Final Fantasy XIII makes it easy for us with a few of its items, sturdy bone being my favorite. After all, who wants a hollow bone, or a bone fragment? All bones must, by definition, be sturdy.
Also see beef bone in Dragon Age: Origins. I gave my beef bone to Morrigan. She didn’t like it.
Sticky white stuff: Demon’s Souls
Really, Demon’s Souls? Sticky white stuff? There wasn’t a single alarm raised at that name? I can only imagine the process that led to this stunning decision.
“So, we need a name for an item that grants magical properties to the right hand weapon.”
“How about enchantment coating?”
“That’s a terrible name. I think we should go with sticky white stuff.”
“Perfect. It describes the purpose of the item completely without any room for misunderstanding.”
QA must have been a blast, too.
Tactical insertion: Modern Warfare 2
You might think that a war-time FPS like Modern Warfare 2 would be devoid of sexuality. But besides the highly sexual character Ghost, there’s tactical insertion.
When you’re in a sticky situation and you need to get in quickly, tactical insertion is your best bet. Just take out your glowing stick where no one can see it, and thrust yourself into the fray. If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to get in and out without being detected. Now that’s tactical.
Plumbob: The Sims
Now, I am not a Sims player, but everyone knows about the floating green diamond thing that accompanies the player character. What many may not know, however, is that this impressive object is known as a plumbob.
Males and females alike can have some pretty nice plumbobs. They’re rather large, actually, often overwhelming the characters themselves in sheer size. Best of all, they’re always visible, so fans of the series can constantly compare the plumbob sizes of their characters. Just don’t forget your ruler.
Show me that plumbob, baby.
DumbleDang Pod: Star Fox Adventures
The only name dumber than Dumbledore is DumbleDang. I don’t know who DumbleDang is, but I do know one thing: Fox McCloud thinks his pod is delicious.
When the inhabitants of the planet Sauria need a quick boost, they always look for a nice, plump DumbleDang Pod. They’re not always easy to find; you may have to whip out Krystal’s Staff and whack it around for a while to get some DumbleDang pods to appear. But once you do, you’ll learn a simple fact: the DumbleDang Pod always leaves you satisfied and smiling.
Enigmatic Fluid: Final Fantasy XIII
Spoiler alert: Final Fantasy XIII has a lot of floating balls. They are essentially the chests of Final Fantasy XIII’s world, and they contain a wide variety of items.
But any time I open a floating ball, I always hope to see one thing: enigmatic fluid. There’s so much to ask about it. Where does enigmatic fluid come from? How does one go about storing enigmatic fluid? Why is enigmatic fluid so enigmatic?
It’s an enigma. Wrapped in a ball. But there’s one thing I do know: slather it all over your items, and you won’t be disappointed in the result.
Horse Wiener: Disgaea
This is an actual excerpt of spoken dialogue from Disgaea, referring to the creation of a zombie.
“That is my masterpiece! The fists of a Dark Karate master! The legs of the fastest demon in the Netherworld! The brain of Mahogany, a famous sorcerer! The iron body of Hercules!
“And a horse wiener!”
Yeah. I…there’s…yeah.
“What did you say? A horse wiener? Now that’s dangerous.”
You’re telling me. The horse wiener is actually an equippable accessory. A very powerful equippable accessory. Still, no thanks dude. Give me death; you keep the horse wiener.
Rubber Chicken with a Pulley in the Middle: The Secret of Monkey Island
Come on, when you first encountered the rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle, you tried to make Guybrush have sex with it. Don’t lie.
The Druid Plow: Brutal Legend
You haven’t lived until you’ve plowed a druid. But before you get to plowing druids, you need a tool. That tool is the Druid Plow.
The Druid Plow is a hot rod which the main character in the game uses to, well, drive. I’m not sure that any actual druids are plowed. But that’s beside the point.
What isn’t beside the point is the fact that it is called The Deuce for short. And summoning it is called dropping a deuce. And as we all know, dropping a deuce is always sexual.
Dildo: Dead Rising 2
This strange object is just silly. It makes a fantastic weapon in games like Dead Rising 2 and the Grand Theft Auto series, both as a sort of club and as a projectile.
But I can’t help thinking that there’s more to it than that. It — I don’t know — resembles something.
Hmm…
Honorable Mentions:
The Midge Mallet — Secret of Mana
Mega Buster — Mega Man Series
Epee Rapier — Demon’s Souls
Ostrich Hammer — Red Faction: Guerrilla
Bill Blaster — Super Mario series
Ghastly Gibus — Team Fortress 2
Shagohod — Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater
Monster Box — Pac-Man
Head on a Pike — Doom
Lincoln’s Repeater — Fallout 3
Glory Device — Star Control
Clawdovic Cacadoos Vulgaris — Serious Sam 2
