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Looking through the massive number of videogame cases and cartridges in my 1993 official Nintendo glass lock cabinet, I realize just how many games actually DON’T have reference to sex in them. Yeah, there’s games like The Sims or God of War 2, but who the hell plays stupid games like those anyway? I’m a REAL gamer, and REAL gamers like me are more concerned about the HARDCORE games that have “teh dirtyness” invading our innocent virtual thrill seeking lifestyle.
By that I of course mean Harvest Moon.
Can you name a game that puts more emphasis on SEX than the Harvest Moon games and spin offs? You are a kid, a freakin’ kid. Like 18-years-old, fresh out of high school (maybe younger, I’m not familiar with Japanese real estate laws.) Your dead grandpa or amnesia grant you a piece of sh*t wasteland with a shack on it that you are supposed to turn around and make money off of. So what’s the first thing that you do? Clean up the sticks and rocks scattered around your plowing areas? NO! You spend 3 HOURS wandering the streets and meeting every hot chick in town only to find out that they all want your balls!
Yes, every single one of them, even the married ones, they all flirt with you. Even some of the guys flirt with you. So you’ve gotta be thinking “Damn, this game is all about hooking up with all these chicks in this tiny shack and just having a good time!”
WRONG!
They don’t put out unless you spend like, fifty million dollars on them and then buy them an expensive feather (apparently that’s the aphrodisiac in Harvest Moon). And you can only pick one, because they are damn monogamous, even if they don’t really want to be, they are very strict about that (trust me, I know). And even THAT is covertly tantalizing, because you have to go back to each of them several times, get a feel for their… *erhem*… “personality”… maybe wait till the summer time to meet them at the beach when more of their… *erhem*… “personality” comes out.
So you end up having to spend month after sexually repressed month, watching your youthful stamina go to waste on fertilizing cucumbers and watermelons just so you can get laid EVEN ONCE with one of these fine women who do nothing but talk you out of your overalls whenever you decide to pop by and purchase a sheep or a tall glass of BODIGIZER XL only to hear them tell you that its closing time and that you should probably put your clothes back on and feed your chickens before they die.
WHAT
THE
FUCK?
So lets say you get to the point where you have a freakin’ tycoon of a ranch going on and you can afford to buy the sex of the woman of your dreams (always the bar chick, or the librarian in Rune Factory) and you finally propose… and she says no. What’s her reason?!?!
“Your bed isn’t big enough”
WOW, what am I supposed to take away from that?!? So, you’re saying that you want me, but you aren’t happy with the size of my bed? I will gladly up-size, but what kind of freaky-ass-shit are we going to be doing in there that requires me to multiply the mattress space of my room by 3? All of these questions tug at your already blue balls created from the many hours of sexual tension.
So you gotta rush to make enough money to buy the bed on some lame TV shopping network AFTER needing to expand your house for the elephant sized bed, and then VOILA.
You propose again, she says yes, the other girls get pissed at you, and then wedding ensues. Depending on what version you’re playing, it’ll cut right to the baby sitting in your living room like a fucking Mini-Houdini, or you’ll get a nice black screen with some satisfied sighs emitting themselves slowly from your televisions speaker, OR THE CREDITS WILL ROLL. SO HOT!
All, somewhat satisfying, I mean, you know you boned her, but still totally like “WTF, I didn’t get to see anything.” Either way, you gotta go masturbate because the thought is in your head and the boner in your pants is trying to fight its way through the teeth of your zipper and dammit, it hurts!
Point of the story kids, Harvest Moon teaches us that the only way to get some is by working your ass off and spending lots of money, and that the reward isn’t even worth it cause you gotta rub one out in the end anyway. But in all honesty, life is a hell of a lot more like the not-so-mainstream Fable II where all you need to do to get laid is dance around like a retard for 6 minutes and then take your woman of choice to any nearby bed and bang one out. YAY REALITY!
