RetroforceFAUX! Barry Manilow stole my bike edition

“Copacabana, my ass!”

I glance over and see that it is not, in fact, an island native yelling these words, but Dyson, as he launches off the edge of the deck cannonball-style and splashes in the water. Ah, another day in paradise. I think the pizza roll delivery girl is on the way here.

Oh — games! You want us to talk about them, don’t you? Let me go grab Topher from the thong sunbathing class. It won’t take but a moment.

Chad talks Virtual Console and Summer Vacation burnout

Okay, I can’t take it anymore. I miss doing the podcast. Don’t get me wrong, I love chillin’ on the beach, visiting my dolphin brethren, and seeing Dyson in a rainbow Speedo, but recording RetroforceGO! was such a part of my weekly routine. I am having withdrawals! Only a couple more weeks …

Luckily, two pretty rad games came out for the Virtual Console to hold me over.

First up is Alex Kidd in Miracle World (500 Wii points) for the Sega Master System. I have fond memories of this classic adventure/platformer, and it still holds up today. One thing that has always bothered me about it, though: Alex Kidd is supposed to be a young boy on a journey to find his kidnapped brother. Look at the above screenshot. Seriously, that’s a monkey, not a boy. Am I crazy? Look at those ears! THE EARS!

Next up, we have Burning Fight (800 Wii points) for the Neo Geo. Now, this game looks exactly like Final Fight. In fact, when I first booted it up I thought I was playing Final Fight and got confused. When I didn’t see Cody or Haggar, though, I panicked and threw my Wii Classic Controller across the room. After I finished crying, I picked the controller back up and actually enjoyed Burning Fight very much. It’s a great beat-em-up and totally worth the download!

A pretty solid week for the Virtual Console: four out of five dolphins!

Before I start getting emotional I will say farewell. RFGO! will be back soon!

WiiWare words or, I’m tired of being drunk on the beach

I’m with Chad, which is not a surprise because we often wonder if we were separated at birth — I love me some vacation, but I’m having serious RetroforceGo! withdrawals. It’s just not the same kind of week without pictures of puppies and hot Japanese girls from our wonderful listeners. Ah well, soon enough.

This week’s WiiWare release is Gyrostarr (700 Wii Points), and I was already suspecting that I might enjoy it when I announced the Wii’s virtual lineup Monday. The best part is, I wasn’t disappointed — the game has cool music and fun-to-play levels, and playign it with other people is definitely fun too. If you have any soft spot at all for blowing shit up, I’m going to say this one is well worth it to download. Four out of five Wiimotes awarded!

Topher ate a jellyfish

Topher and Miku, sittin’ in a tree, K-I … wait, what are we talking about? Oh, right.

Happy Tree Friends: False Alarm (800 MS points)

Well, that was unexpected. This title wasn’t on PartnerNet, and I had no idea it was even in development, let alone seeing a release this week. Was it a nice surprise? Kinda, yeah. The game looks pretty good for what it is, and does a decent job of capturing the look and feel of the oft-unlucky animals from the Happy Tree Friends cartoon series. You aim a reticle around the screen, interacting with objects and characters by using one of four abilities assigned to the face buttons. In keeping with the spirit of the cartoon, your little troupe of heroes is prone to all sorts of mangling injury, disfigurement and loss of limb, which means that even if you fail a level, you still sort of win because you get to see all the smiles and squeaks turn abruptly into horror and gore. Anthony would likely enjoy a few rounds with this one, as he tends to relish seeing innocent things punished for being cheerful. Sometimes I enjoy that as well, and this is one of those times. Not to mention that the game itself is actually pretty fun. Check out the demo and see what you think.

Ticket To Ride (Guess the price and win a date with Dale North!)

So yeah, uh … trains. Alright. I can dig trains. Well, normally I can dig trains. I can’t tell you if I dug the trains this time around, because five minutes with this game put me directly to sleep and I missed the part where that stuff was probably supposed to happen. All I know is, some menus came up and said something about making sure there were enough passengers and tickets sold, connecting one city to another and stopping at all the points between, counting stuff, planning, plotting a course, etc. Next thing I know, our cabana had burned down because I’d fallen unconscious and left my 360 running for more than 30 consecutive minutes. If you’ve ever dreamed of uh, managing … train … stuff, this game is right up your alley. Otherwise, you might want to skip it. 

Oh, and by the way — I guessed the price before you did, so I’m totally taking myself up on that date with Dale. Sorry. 

Dyson’s (Not) Download Days of Summer

Hey gang, how’s it going? Good? Awesome. This week’s selection is based on a recommendation from a community member, the one and only Dead Movie Star. (Yes, folks, I take requests.) In a weird twist of fate, he recommended a game that belies my effort of providing you with an easy summer gaming experience. In fact, the game that he suggested, which I spent all week playing, is as hard as (like my mother used to say), a total motherfucker.

Don't let this pic fool you. This game is a total bitch, and I almost threw my DS against a wall several times even while using the goddamn save state and rewind fucntions of my Not emulator. Also, Rev's not the olny guy that can write ALT text, is he?

The game in question is an absolutely devious title by the Irem company called MetalStorm (NES). While it was likened to me as a side-scroller in the vein of Contra (only with the addition of this super awesome gravity mechanic), I found it to be much more difficult than than the aforementioned Konami classic. So difficult, in fact, that I have a hard time believing that this game could have ever been beaten by a person who: A) played it in its original form (Not-Not emulated), or B) didn’t suffer from the acute ADD needed to survive this ridiculously challenging platforming ordeal.

Now, normally, I would shy away from this type of game for our weekly piece, but after (finally) beating it while using the *Not Rewind* option a ho-jillion times (real number!), I feel that this heretofore unsung classic deserves some more time in the limelight, as they say.

In other words, if you want your ass handed to you on a silver platter of old-school retro platforming insanity, then Not download this game ASAP. The gravity flipping mechanic that’s combined with excellent level design, which is all wrapped around the OG concept that one bullet can kill you (unless your weak ass powers up), makes for one hell of a (Not) Download Day recommendation.

And, yeah, when you finally beat the game, it offers you the option of playing it again on a harder level. Good Luck.

The portable Rev Rant

I WANT TO KICK IT IN THE FACE.

—–

Wow, Anthony is fucking mean. I don’t think anything can soothe that guy. Anyway, thanks for tuning in for another week of RetroforceFAUX! We’ll talk to you next week (only a few left before we return to the podcast!!!)

 

 

Colette Bennett