Pokemon Go update to provide players with some goddamn common sense (Fauxclusive)

Clearly they need it

Following a seemingly endless supply of stories about Pokémon Go players hurting themselves, getting into accidents, and wandering into places they shouldn’t be, developer Niantic announced today an update for the popular app that will give players some fucking common sense.

“When we developed Pokémon Go we figured people would be intelligent enough to play it smart and safe,” said company spokesman Brandon Bush. “Boy were we wrong. Clearly, we underestimated just how stupid mankind is. I mean, did you hear about the woman who got stuck in a tree playing this? How the fuck do you do that?”

Bush says the update will revolve around a series of warnings to keep people from doing what basic evolution and quality child-rearing should have kept them from doing in the first place.

“This new feature will remind players to look up from the screen after they’ve taken more than six steps, which is something we’re saddened we have to tell people to do,” Bush explained. “It will also warn you not to play while driving, not to wander into a stranger’s yard, and, if you live in the state of Florida, it will tell you to move out of the state. That’s just for your own safety in general.”

The new, common sense feature will be added just as soon as Niantic finishes updating the map to remove Pokémon Gym and PokéStop locations from the Westboro Baptist Church, a home where sex offenders live, a Hells Angels headquarters, and other places that probably should have been vetted before sending children mindlessly wandering to them.

CJ Andriessen
Editor-at-Large – CJ has been a contributor to Destructoid since 2015, originally writing satirical news pieces before transitioning into general news, features, and other coverage that was less likely to get this website sued.