Pay tribute to the Theron Guard on Theron Thunday!

It has long been established that the Theron Guards from Gears of War are pretty much the most badass enemies in all of videogame history. I’ve come to the conclusion, however, that they are incredibly under-appreciated — so I have decided that today is Theron Thunday

Here is why Theron Guards kick ass and could beat up your dad:

  • They sound like nightmares: Even when screwing up a reload, hissing “Uselesssssss” in a sibilant way that would make Cradle of Filth jealous oozes awesomeness. Only Therons make mistakes sound like threats. 
  • They dress like futuristic pimps: Those evil-chic leather jackets are straight boiler, son. 
  • The use bows that shoot dynamite arrows: The torque bow is a bow that makes people explode, and the Theron Guards use them. Obviously this makes them better than other things.
  • They don’t need eyes to see: Some Therons wear helmets that cover their eyes up, yet they are still able to shoot accurately. That makes them better than Stevie Wonder and, by extension, better than the entire human race (for Stevie Wonder is the pinnacle of human endeavor). 

I could go on forever, but I don’t need to, because Theron Guards are obviously awesome. On this inaugural Theron Thunday, please post your tribute to everybody’s favorite Locust.

Jim Sterling