New Vita update physically attacks anyone who tries to play with it (Fauxclusive)

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You may want to wait for update 3.59

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In its continuing efforts to convince fans to finally let go of the PlayStation Vita, Sony released an update for the device earlier this week that caused a wide variety of problems, including making it nearly impossible to connect to the PlayStation Store and rapidly draining the battery. With many people still plugging away at the system, Sony released a new update this morning that will physically assault anyone who tries to play with the handheld.

Update 3.58 introduces a host of new anti-gaming measures aimed at getting people to just throw their Vita away. When you download the new update, all of your saved data is instantly deleted and the screen goes black with the exception of giant middle finger pointed directly at you. If you try to move on past that screen, the buttons on the system will begin to electrocute you.

“With this update we’re doing everything we can to get Sony fans to finally give up on the Vita like we did three years ago,” explained Sony spokesman Todd Gilbert. “In addition to the buttons that shock you, this update will also cause the battery to leak directly into your crotch, make it unplayable if it’s not plugged in and, if you try to use it for more than an hour, the device will just blow up in your face.”

Despite these aggressive anti-consumer measures, Vita fans say they still love the little system and want to continue to support it. That’s something that doesn’t sit well with Sony. 

“What do we have to do to get you people to just let this thing die?” Gilbert asked as he smashed dozens of unsold Vitas with a baseball bat. “We stopped making games for it. We stopped advertising it. We called it a legacy platform which makes no goddamn sense. When will you people get it through your thick skulls that we don’t want this thing anymore?”

It is unclear if there will be any future updates after this one; however, experts agree that one thing that is clear: these issues will have no effect on Vita sales outside of Japan.

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CJ Andriessen
Editor-at-Large – CJ has been a contributor to Destructoid since 2015, originally writing satirical news pieces before transitioning into general news, features, and other coverage that was less likely to get this website sued.