New Apple TV promises to bring gaming all the way into 2006 (Fauxclusive)

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As predicted for nearly a decade, Tim Cook announced at Apple’s September Event that the next iteration of the Apple TV will be able to play games. With a new motion-sensing controller and titles such as Guitar Hero hitting the system, Apple promises to finally bring gaming into 2006.

“Since Steve Jobs died, many have been saying that Apple hasn’t innovated enough, that we’re just playing catch-up with the competition,” said Apple spokeswoman Nancy Sprawler. “Well, with all of the innovative products revealed at our September Event, like the new Apple TV or our new iPad with keyboard and digital pen accessory, doubters will see Apple isn’t just playing catch-up anymore. Now, we’ve thrown this fucker into reverse.”

Arriving about six years too late, the new Apple TV will be the first to ship with a dedicated App Store. Some of the titles revealed for the system include Transistor, a multiplayer Crossy Road whose unveiling had all the pizzazz of a homeless man falling asleep in the rain, and Wii Sports Beat Sports, a game you need to remember the next time Harmonix asks you to give it some money.

“With the new Apple TV, all your favorite games like Candy Crush and Temple Run will be available to play on the big screen, right in the comfort of your own home. It’ll be like you’re living in a Dave & Buster’s but without the godawful food and general stank of the place. And, with titles like Beat Sports, Apple is finally bringing motion-sensing gaming to the mainstream. I mean who in 2015 doesn’t love being forced to swing their arms to properly play a video game?” Sprawler asked, failing to notice the 500 people behind her raising their hands.

The new Apple TV will ship this October and is expected to sell out because it’s an Apple product. Sprawler said if fans are happy with it, they’ll be stoked when the company unveils its VR-enabled Apple TV about six years after that fad has died out.

In related news, bloggers around the world dusted off their old Apple-will-bring-the-end-of-Nintendo talking points to give them a once-over.


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CJ Andriessen
Editor-at-Large – CJ has been a contributor to Destructoid since 2015, originally writing satirical news pieces before transitioning into general news, features, and other coverage that was less likely to get this website sued.
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