I didn’t think she’d be so darn picky
[Originally published a year ago by one of our readers, an adorable blast from the past! Also, I was cute in 2012 before I turned into captain morgan. -Niero]
Somewhere in deep South Texas, born and raised, on the playground was where she probably spent some time at… is a woman that has been, to me, in several ways, the most important person in my life. She birthed me, she fed me, she protected me, she never judged and always helped out whenever I needed it, and she bought me a lot of awesome video games. Way too many, at that. I even still mooch off of her and she obliges with nary a leering glance. Like any person, she isn’t perfect, but she is still lovely and great and caring. And I love her very much.
This is why I have decided to poll her on the video game world’s sexiest men.
In this slightly awkward interview, I lay out who I believe might catch her fancy as well as some characters who I would be surprised to have her find attractive. I asked her not to take it too seriously in that respect, but, alas, we don’t exactly carry the same sense of humor. Had she, I would have gone reeeeally out there. Prepare for some mostly blunt responses, but I think we’ll have some fun nonetheless.
In no way do my biases work towards convincing her that some characters are better than others. I can assure you of that.
Me: Ever heard of games journalism?
Mom: Uhh… I guess? Yeah.
Me: Well, that’s what I’m about to do some of.
Me: I maintain a somewhat popular blog on Destructoid and I thought it’d be cute, funny, stupid, lighthearted, etc. to poll you on some of video games’ most sexy men. Because I know you like men and stuff.
Mom: (laughs) Ummm…
Me: It’ll be fun! And it won’t be but for a few minutes.
Mom: Uhh, alright.
Geralt (The Witcher)
Me: Since there’s a third game in the Witcher series coming up very soon, in honor of that, what do you think of Geralt?
Mom: …. think of him as far as what?
Me: Well, his physical appearance, his attitude…
Mom: How do I know his attitude?
Me: Well, I’ll tell you!
I don’t wanna describe him as a sleaze when it comes to love, but he’s kind of a… I guess a one-night stand sort of guy.
Me: Kind of a love ’em and leave dude.
Mom: Look-wise, yes. Attitude, no.
If that’s who he is, that’s who he is, but it doesn’t make him a bad person.
Me: Well, no. There’s nothing wrong with a one-night stand as long as it’s consensual.
Trevor (Grand Theft Auto)
Me: Trevor… Trevor’s a reeeeal shitty person.
Mom: Look-wise? … kind of the same deal.
… you mean as far as my tastes?
Me: Yeah. He’s a schizophrenic, he’s…
Mom: Oh yeah, that’s my type! (chuckles)
Me: … he’s a murderer, he’s… (laughs)
Mom: (laughs) No. Not even cute.
Me: Well, you can always go for the “face with personality” card.
Mom: Ehh, no.
Mom: Especially when he’s a schizo-murderer, no.
Me: And he’s an asshole, at that. Even ignoring the murder, he’s a real asshole.
Dante (Devil May Cry)
Me: Gettin’ into some pretty boys, here’s Dante from Devil May Cry.
Me: He’s a demon hunter…
Me: … and he’s a good guy, for the most part. And he’s kind of a “Totally radical!” kind of guy. Cool 90’s bad type.
I was thinking maybe he’d be too young for you.
Mom: Well, yeeeeeah. I didn’t think we’d be going for that part.
Me: Yeah, but physically and attitude…
Me: You wouldn’t be, at all, turned off by his personality?
Mom: Well… I guess not. I don’t think I’d go for someone saying “Totally radical!”, but… (laughs)
Me: Well, he has that kind of persona.
Mom: Somebody my age wouldn’t be saying that!
Me: Like, something he says in Devil May Cry 3 is “This party’s gettin’ crazy! Let’s rock!”
Mom: It might make me laugh, but…
Me: Yeah! He’d make ya laugh.
Me: Now, there was actually a reboot of Devil May Cry in the form of DmC. This is Dante from that. He’s more of a ruffian, rebel-type.
Mom: He’s cute.
Me: This is a prequel to Devil May Cry, but it was also meant to be a reboot somehow and… he’s not an ass, he’s just kind of a flawed character.
Mom: His body looks bigger than his head…
Me: (laughs) It’s probably just the angle. I’ll find a new picture.
Mom: That’s better.
Me: He’s also a one-night stand sort of character. Until he became the Dante you saw before. He cleaned up a tad and just became a cool, fun character.
Anders (Dragon Age)
Me: This is actually somebody I don’t know anything about. I’ve just played the games… sort of. His name is Anders.
Me: Just from looking at his picture, he’s probably very snarky.
So, physically, he’s your type?
Mom: Hmm… yeah, I guess so.
Me: I’m not sure of his sexual preference. Considering the games he’s in, he could be homosexual. So… no chance with him!
Varric (Dragon Age)
Me: How do you feel about short men?
Mom: Nah! They have to be at least my height.
Me: (laughs) Well then, you may not like Varric from Dragon Age.
Mom: Not saying I’m not attracted to ’em, it’s just… no.
Me: Physically, not even?
Mom: Mmm no.
Me: He’s another cool, suave character. Makes ya laugh. He’s a writer!
Kuja (Final Fantasy)
Me: Getting into some Japanese designs, so it may really not be your type, but here’s Kuja from Final Fantasy.
Mom: Mmmm… not really.
Me: Too skinny? Too…
Mom: Too skinny, for one.
Me: Too dismissive looking, too evil…?
Mom: I can’t even see what he looks like! (the picture is rather small)
Me: Well, here’s a cosplay of ’em…
Mom: Too feminine looking.
Me: (laughs) Yeah, that’s pretty much Japanese character design in a nutshell when it comes to younger characters or even the villians.
The mindset behind that, I’m not sure of.
And if it means anything, here’s his “Trance” form where he becomes somewhat of a beastly version of his former self…
Mom: Mmm, no.
I’m not sure if that’s any better.
Squall (Final Fantasy)
Me: Getting into some more Final Fantasy characters, here’s Squall.
Mom: He’s got too much of a little boy face. He looks like he’s about 17.
Me: Yeah. He might actually be more 15 or 16, but sometimes when Japanese games are localized into English, they might bump up the ages to more reflect our idea of what’s legal by making them 17-18.
Mom: His legs are longer than his body!
I’d say no.
Me: So, too young for ya?
Mom: Waaaaaaaaaaay too young.
Nsync (Final Fantasy)
Me: Final Fantasy XV is coming out soon enough and I wanted to get your opinion on, actually, all the main characters at once.
They’re pretty much a boy band fetishist’s dream. The joke around the collective community is that they practically look like a boy band.
Mom: Mmm. That’s what they look like.
Me: Well, from what you can tell from this picture, which do you like? One? All? None?
Mom: (points to the right, first from the middle) He’s cute.
And I assume that guy (points to the right, back from the middle) is too young looking for ya?
Mom: That’s, yeah, er… no. Not with that hair. And the color.
Me: And it’s the hair with this guy too? (points to middle)
Me: There’s a lot of that going around in Japanese character design as well.
Chris Redfield (Resident Evil)
Me: There’s actually two versions of Chris Redfield. Here’s the older one from the classic era.
(throws hands up) I guess!
Me: Well, here’s his Resident Evil 5 and 6 model. On steroids, basically.
Mom: (chuckles) Yeah.
Me: Too big for ya? Not into muscles?
Mom: Not that big! That’s like Arnold Schwarzenagger big!
Me: He’s bigger than Arnold Schwarzenagger!
Mom: Or The Rock. That’s almost too much!
Me: Well, the face. What about the face?
Leon Kennedy (Resident Evil)
Me: Here’s Leon from the same franchise.
Mom: I remember him from the movie!
Me: Did he look like that at all?
Mom: Ehh, kind of.
Me: You like ’em here?
Me: The hair too pretty boyish for ya?
Mom: Yeah, but just as long as it’s not overboard.
Danny (Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party, Starbomb, etc.)
Me: Surprise! This one’s real. His name’s Danny, most famous probably from Game Grumps.
Me: Too young for ya? The hair?
Mom: Well, he’s not ugly.
He’s sort of a whacky, fun dude. Stupid humor can be his thing.
Mom: And personality sometimes makes up for everything.
Me: Of course! Long-standing relationships just about require a good personality.
Mom: Looks don’t always matter.
As your grandma always told me, “You should marry your best friend.”. I thought she was crazy!
Jacob (Mass Effect)
Me: I wanted to find a decent African American character to showcase. Unfortunately, there aren’t many centralized African American, Hispanic, etc. characters in general. But, here’s one. Name’s Jacob from Mass Effect.
Mom: (nods head) Mmhmm!
Me: He’s a very fit dude. A military man. Very stern and to the point. “Hoorah!” and all that.
Mom: That’s okay.
Yeah. Nice lookin’ guy.
Me: To the best of my recollection, most, if not all, these human characters were modeled off actual people. So, it’s not super weird!
Me: With that said…
Thane (Mass Effect)
Me: He’s actually an alien, but he’s… human-esque. Here’s Thane from Mass Effect.
He’s a tragic character. Told to the player that he is potentially to die very soon, he’s now trying to simply do all that he can for the greater good before that time may come. A very sweet, gentle, soft spoken character.
But, well, he’s an alien. Not your type?
Mom: No! (chuckles)
Me: (laughs) Okay!
… couldn’t even maybe get past the alien looks? If he were a nice g-…
Me: Okay, okay!
MaleShep (Mass Effect)
Me: Back to human characters, this is the main male character from Mass Effect. Named Shepard.
Me: Depending on how you play, you can have him be an asshole, a middle ground guy, or a nice guy. So, I suppose his attitude doesn’t really matter at that point.
Purely based off physical appearance…
James Sunderland (Silent Hill)
Me: He’s a broken character.
You wouldn’t care if he were the type of guy to come to you about his problems, maybe cry a bit… just be generally emotional?
Me: You don’t care?
Mom: No, I would care!
I mean, to a point.
Me: He’s just a depressed character. His wife died, then he gets a note from who might be his dead wife, possibly crazy…
Mom: That’s a loooooot of emotional baggage. No.
Troy Baker (everything)
Me: Another actual person.
This is one of the people I met at Comic-Con last year, Troy Baker.
Mom: Hmmm… cute. Pretty boy.
Me: I think he looks better with a beard, so…
Mom: That’s a nice looking guy!
Me: Like ’em better with the beard?
Me: Here is a more cartoon-y character. Name’s Salvador from Borderlands. Another short dude, but he’s not ugly…
Mom: Not for me.
Me: The beard? The hair? Short stature?
Mom: No. He looks like a troll.
Faust (Guilty Gear)
Me: How do you feel about men with bags over their heads?
Ratchet (Ratchet & Clank)
Me: You remember me playing Ratchet & Clank?
Mom: (knows what’s coming) (chuckle) Yeeesss.
Me: How do you feel about anthropomorphic characters? Ratchet!
Mom: … other than being cute…
Mom: I caaaaan’t say.
Me: Some actually find characters like these sexually attractive.
Mom: And, hey, that’s them!
Me: Yeah! (nervous) More power to ’em!
Captain Qwark (Ratchet & Clank)
Me: Okay, fine. Here’s a human from the same series. He’s just a very exaggerated figure. Named Captain Qwark.
Mom: He looks like someone that would probably make me laugh…
Mom: Can’t say it does anything for me. The nothin’!
Me: He’s an egotisical sort of guy, but not straight up evil or even kind of evil. At least, not now he isn’t. He just simply thinks more of himself, trying to be the hero he’s made himself out to be.
So, physically and attitude, not your type?
Mom: (shakes head)
Dr. Nefarious (Ratchet & Clank)
Mom: Oh! I know him!
But… from where?
Me: Probably from Ratchet & Clank, which I played a lot of when I was younger.
Dr. Nefarious is an evil mastermi-… well, not a “mastermind”. He’s sort of a clutz. But, he is evil. (impersonates) Sounds kind of like this! (end) And he thinks he’s great, but he’s not so great. Gets things done, but it always blows up in his face.
Me: Well, just imagine flesh over those robot parts, then maybe… (I forgot to show her his human form)
Peppy Hare (Star Fox)
Me: You sure on the anthro characters? Peppy Hare?
Mom: (minor frustration) They’re cute!
I was hoping you’d surprise me and say “Oh! I’d do that!”.
Mom: Ugh. Nice.
Monkey (Enslaved: Odyssey to the West)
(Note: I could swear Monkey was actually part monkey and had a tail. I realized far too late that I was way off. I even played the game! Agh!)
Me: Well, how about half-animal, half-human characters? Here’s Monkey from Enslaved.
Mom: Got a cute face…
Me: The tail wouldn’t bother ya?
Mom: I guess not.
Me: You can’t imagine that coming into play in the relationship? Ya know…
Adam Jensen (Deus Ex)
Me: Adam Jensen.
Again, he’s the kind of character where you can play good, bad, neutral, so his personality is up in the air.
Mom: Yeah! Cute.
Me: It’s weird what you consider “cute”, I consider more rugged and masculine.
Mom: It’s just what I like!
Me: That just a word you use willy nilly?
Mom: Well, alright, “he’s a good looking guy”.
Me: Alright then!
And he’s augmented. So, he’s got heightened perception, strength, durability, and so on. Might wanna take that into consideration. He’s probably very much your type.
Me: Another real human! His alias is ProJared.
Mom: Ooooooooh no!
Me: Oh no? (chuckle)
He’s got kind of a Steve Buscemi charm about ’em.
Mom: I’m sure that makes him very funny, but as far as looks…
Me: And he is a funny guy! He’s a game reviewer. He’s a pretty funny guy, yeah.
Me: Not even in his best pictures, a liiiiiittle bit?
Mom: Mmm, can’t say that.
Me: Oh, okay.
Mom: No offense to ’em.
Isaac Clarke (Dead Space)
Me: Now, this is somebody you probably want to, emotionally, stay clear of. Name’s Isaac from Dead Space.
Mom: Ehhhhhh… not too bad.
Me: He even looks pretty emotionally distressed in this picture.
Mom: Looks pretty much mental in that picture.
Me: He… he has a reason for being crazy because of what happens in the first game, but yeah. He is crazy.
Me: He wouldn’t kill ya, but he’d probably cry during sex.
Mom: Emotionally unstable?
Me: Oh yeah.
So, again, too much emotional baggage?
Mom: Yep. I’ve got too much of my own stuff to deal with. I don’t need someone else’s.
Me: Well, not to say you wouldn’t at all help out someone, emotionally, if they needed it.
Mom: I didn’t say that!
Me: Alright, alright!
Link (Legend of Zelda)
Me: Nooooow… you may see some child photos…
Mom: (looks dreadfully worried)
Me: … but, we’ll be focusing on adult Link. For obvious reasons.
Me: He is a young, pretty boy. But, he is legal!
Mom: Yeah, I don’t do pretty boys.
See, Janice (mom’s friend) is the pretty boy lover.
Me: That’s what I thought! I thought interviewing her would be a lot more interesting!
Mom: She probably would be.
Me: Yeah!… no offense to you.
Mom: No. Like I said, he’s too much of a pretty boy.
You wouldn’t imagine, maybe, because he’s younger that’d mean he was more agile, energetic, fun to be around…
Me: Fine, geez!
Nathan Drake (Uncharted)
Me: Here’s Nathan Drake from Uncharted.
He’s pretty much a carbon copy of Indiana Jones. He’s a smart alek, suave…
Mom: Mmhmm! Yeah!
Me: … he’s a treasure hunter, raids tombs, ancient secrets and all that.
Mom: Sounds good!
Me: Probably would land you a nice bit of comfort.
Mom: Yeah! Sarcasstic…
Me: You like sarcasstic types?
Mom: That’s all I’ve ever been around is sarcasstic guys! It’s probably half my problem.
Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)
Me: Here’s Solid Snake from Metal Gear Solid.
Well, actually, there’s another form of him around here. This is him pretty darn old.
Me: You’re not into gilf’s?
You know what that stands for?
Me: Grandpa I’d Like to…
Me: Okay! (laughs)
Me: Well, here’s a younger version of him.
Actually, I’m not even sure that this is, canonically, Solid Snake. The story deals with different timelines and clones and whatnot, but, either way, it’s pretty much him physically.
Me: He’s a stern sort of dude. Very intelligent and skillful, but not really the kind of guy who’d go out of his way to make you laugh.
Mom: Nope. Nah.
… not even, as you’d say, “cute” for being a cartoon?
Me: Mustache doesn’t do anything for ya?
Mom: Yeah, no.
Me: The manliner?
Me: Okay, okay!
Me: There’s totally a guy under that armor. Where does your mind go?
Mom: Absolutely not.
The face is a mystery! What does he look like?!
Me: Your mind doesn’t conjure anything?
Mom: Nah uh.
Me: You don’t have an imagination?
Mom: … I’d be afraid to say I did.
It’s a female.
Mom: I was fixin’ to say… if I had to take a bet…
Robert Lutece (Bioshock)
Me: Here’s Robert Lutece from Bioshock. He is one half of a pair of twins.
He’s a very proper character. Classy, upkept…
Mom: Oh. Nope.
Me: He’s humerous, but in an antagonistic fashion.
Mom: He’s got a sourpuss lookin’ face.
Me: Yeah. (chuckle)
Me: Another younger character, but his interesting attire may make up for that. Eikichi from Persona.
Mom: Innnnteresting is to say the least.
(points to the MC) The other one’s cuter. But, he looks like he’s about 15!
Me: He doesn’t look that young!
Mom: Okay, 17.
Me: Right. Canonically, I believe, like most other Persona characters, he’s 17-18.
Me: But, ignoring him being too young for you?
Mom: Mmmm… maybe.
Me: Sort of a Marilyn Manson appeal?
Mom: I’m still laughing about Marilyn Manson being on Sons of Anarchy.
Me: From the same series, here’s Yosuke.
Too pretty boy?
Me: He’s a ditzy, clumsy character, but…
Mom: And he looks like he’s about 14!
Me: (laughs) He’s legal, if not 17.
Mom: He doesn’t look it.
Me: Now, would you date him if you were younger?
Mom: If I were younger, yeah!
Me: What about Kanji?
… no more comments? Just no?
Mom: Just no.
Me: Hansen will not be pleased.
Frank West (Dead Rising)
Mom: He looks like Chris Pine! (laughs)
People say he also looks like… oh, that guy. Ghostbusters?
Mom: … Dan Aykroyd?
Mom: Yeah, I guess, right there he does. His face is long like his.
Yeah! He’s good.
Me: Another funny character. Makes ya laugh.
Me: Adventurous too. Stupid, but still real nice. He’s also very versitile. The name of his game is to use anything at all possible in the environment to clobber his enemies. It can range from hotdogs, to CD’s, to chairs, so that’s something.
Mom: They teach you that in martial arts!
Me: Yeah! You can even learn martial arts in the game. He’s perfect!
JonTron (JonTron, Game Grumps)
Me: Another human being. His name is JonTron, or Jon Jafari.
He’s a veeeeeeeeeeery wacky, funny kind of guy.
Me: … fat?
Me: Not into fatter guys?
Mom: It’s not necessarily the weight, it’s just… no.
Me: (laughs) Okay.
Mom: I’m sure he’s fun as hell and crazy, but…
Me: Oh, he is! You’re just not into especially eccentric types?
Mom: No. That’s just a little bit much.
Me: Again, even physically… no?
Mom: Nah. Not my type.
Niero Gonzalez (Destructoid)
Me: This is the head of Destructoid, Niero Gonzalez.
Mom: He’s cute.
I’m not sure of his personality, but he’s probably a fun guy. He’s responsible for a fun website and all.
Jordan Devore (Destructoid, Saturday Morning Hangover)
Mom: Nuh uh.
Me: Too nerdy lookin’?
Me: Too nerdy?!
Me: The glasses? Red hair? The…
Mom: At least in that picture, yes. Too nerdy lookin’.
Me: That one?
Me: Well, alright.
Dale North (Destructoid)
Me: Here’s Dale North, previously of Destructoid.
Me: Well, he’s pretty well-liked around the community for his looks. I’ll find a better picture of him.
He’s in love with Japanese culture like I am. Also, a thing for corgi’s.
Mom: Mmm no.
Mom: Well, there he’s not too bad lookin’.
Me: Got a nice smile.
Mom: His face is so long!
Me: Such a dog lover.
Me: Doesn’t do anything for ya?
Mom: Nooope. Doesn’t sell it.
Me: What do you like more? Dogs or cats?
Mom: Dogs. (looks to our cat) No offense, Summer.
Steven Hansen (Destructoid)
Mom: (chuckles) No.
Me: Is it the hair… is it…
Mom: Just… doesn’t do anything.
Me: Not ugly, though.
Mom: I didn’t say he was ugly! Just not my type.
Jim Sterling (Destructoid, Podtoid, Jimquisition, Podquisition, Squirty Play, etc.)
Me: Here’s the guy you said sounded a lot like Ricky Gervais from that podcast I showed ya.
Mom: Yeah! He sounded just like ’em!
Me: Physically, not your type?
… uhhhhh. It’s… with all due respect to Sterling, it’s hard to find a picture of him that isn’t intended to be stupid or dramatic.
Mom: Yeah, they all look pretty stupid!
Mom: (glances to Google search) … is that… Willem Dafoe?
Me: Yes! A thing of his, previously, on Podtoid was this idea of Willem Dafoe movie pitches. Go to Hell Monkey Adams, District Dafoe…
Mom: (laughs) I love Willem Dafoe! (laughs)
Me: I’m trying very hard to find a good, legitmate picture of him.
I… guess this is close enough.
Mom: I’m sure he’s funny as hell, but no.
Me: He is! He is hilarious.
Mom: And, yes, he’s sounds like Ricky Gervais.
Chris Carter (Destructoid)
Mom: He’s cute.
He looks like Nick Lachey.
Me: Who’s that?
Mom: He used to be married to Jessica Simpson.
Me: Oh my!
Jonathan Holmes (Destructoid, ‘Sup Holmes, Samus and Sagat, Podtoid, etc.)
Me: Just one more.
Jonathan Holmes! There he is, makin’ a wacky smile.
Mom: I hate the thumbs up pose! I don’t know what it is…
Me: (laughs) You hate thumbs up pictures?
Mom: I don’t get it. I just think they’re so stupid.
Me: Or the dreaded “duck face”.
Mom: Or that too!
Me: Okay, okay. Here’s a more flattering image of him then.
Mom: Maybe it’s that stupid Career Point commercial that really made me hate it.
Me: Not really?!
Me: I think he’s a good lookin’ guy!
Mom: He’s kind of cute there, but… mmm.
Me: Is it his baldness?
Mom: No! ‘Cause I like bald guys, and he’s not really bald.
Me: You find almost-bald awkward or what?
Mom: He’s just losing his hair. He can’t help it!
Me: He’s also pretty well-built.
(massages the point around his stomach) He’s… sort of lost it with his age.
Me: That second picture was probably the best you can find of him from these days.
However, back in his 20’s…
Mom: (looks impressed) He’s pretty ripped!
He’s changed quite a bit.
I didn’t think she’d be so darn picky! I like most of these guys! I expected most of the younger dudes to turn her off, but I’m surprised at the lack of affection for Varric or Monkey. And no Holmes?! Oh well. I’d definitely take them all to bed and let them do all the work. Oh yeah!
What’s your take on some of these guys? All of them?! Whoa! Slow down!