I have been aching to write this article for quite some time, and I finally have a platform to vent. Yes, it is I, the assclown who runs DoubleViking.com and I’m here to share with you some golden memories from my childhood. Take a peek below and let me know how much of a crappy gamer I was. Or admit that I’m right as usual, and own up to your own gaming inadequacies.Ninja Gaiden
– This is perhaps one of the best games ever made for the NES. It combined amazing game play, an amazing story and amazing music. I guess you could summarize the game by calling it simply “amazing”. The game consisted of extra long levels, some of which took me an hour to finish. Throw in enemies that just kept coming back and you have yourself the hardest fucking game ever. It was because of this game, I wore the same ninja costume for Halloween from the ages of 6-12. Take a moment and picture that.
The Adventures of Bayou Billy – One of the worst and hardest games ever made. I can’t remember which was more compelling but I do remember throwing the control pad against my tv in frustration. I’ve never seen a game where retarded NPCs had the same fighting power as you. I’m not even talking about bosses folks. This game was made just to piss everyone off and provide unenjoyable gameplay that was so addicting you cried yourself to sleep. I was so addicted to trying to beat this game I pissed and shat my biker shorts twice in one day from the constant hours of gameply.
Silver Surfer – Let me try to make this as simple as possible. This was a game of legendary proportions. You would die by touching the walls. You would die if someone touched you once. In fact, I think you would die if you paused too many times in between the sweaty convulsions enduced by the game. Needless to say, never play this game. It is absolutely pointless. The only thing more annoying than this game at the time was watching Max Headroom and Pee Wee’s Playhouse on Saturday mornings. My life was never the same.
Battletoads – The game many called “impossible”. I called it fucking annoying. Do not play this game when babies are present in the room. You will punch them. This game can only be played inside of cell block C at your local prison. Buy yourself a straitjacket and prepare to become a member at the local “crazy folks” home. By the time you beat this game you will be eating maple syrup by the gallon, daily. This was the only game in NES’s history that was built for tentacly super-humans. Yes, the game made about as much sense as that last sentence. I have a headache.
Contra – Without the codes, it was pretty fucking hard. 3 continues and 5 lives. The final boss, The Heart of Red Falcon, who’s name I will never forget provided the most difficult final boss battle for me outside of Willow’s Queen Bavmorda. Just so you know when you fought Queen Bavmorda, the ENTIRE stage was on fire folks! She definitely deserves her own article. Okay, now that I’ve gone on a tangent that has helped me forget about my prior suicidal tendacies, I will conclude this by saying Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, SELECT and finally Start. It was that code that helped me pass Contra, 5th grade Mathematics and my holy communion.
