In the Internet equivalent of a gang war, Maxim has responded to Askmen.com’s declaration that David “Kelp Pore Mask” Beckham is 2007’s epitome of masculinity by creating their own list of five people who just so happen to have external genitalia and proclaiming them to be the template upon which their perma-adolescent demographic ought to base their lives. The list ranges from laughable (Robert Rodriguez) to shockingly valid (Lemmy), but the most confusing — and, unless I’m wrong, intentionally provocative — selection has to be the inclusion of Halo’s Master Chief.
I suppose the fictional character represents the same kind of stoic strength traditional masculine role models have always demonstrated, but doesn’t his existence as a complete fabrication sort of nullify their ability to nominate him? Bungie created him specifically to be the definition of that template, and assuming he wasn’t spawned that way specifically to avoid the acquisition of complex character traits (a topic I’m avoiding so as to not upset the Internet bee hive), he must almost be a parody of everything Maxim is claiming he represents.
Then again, maybe I’m just reading too deeply into this. I’m sure the boys at Maxim didn’t contemplate the list longer than it took for their Hot Pockets to warm, so instead of injuring myself trying to read too much into this, I’m instead going to remind you all that breasts are awesome.
Seriously, they really are.